Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feel frozen out by a friend

(26 Posts)
Rubylee87 Fri 10-Jul-15 18:18:00

I'm feeling frozen out by someone I thought was a good friend and I'm not sure what to do.

We've been friends for about a year. We met through a shared hobby and although I've not known her for as long as some of my other friends, we seemed to click instantly. She moved here a few years ago from another country and she said she'd found it hard to make new friends. We talked every day and met up regularly for dinner, drinks and shopping trips.

I also gave her a lot of support during a rocky period with her husband. They were buying a house together and they were stressed, often arguing and I would listen to her and try to help her work it out.

Since they've moved into their new home, she's been very distant. She never contacts me first, doesn't seem interested in meeting up with me and I assumed she was busy settling in. However, I've noticed from posts on her social media accounts that she's been inviting her other female friends and their partners over for 'couples' dinners'. I am single after a difficult break up last year and so she hasn't been inviting me. I don't like the fact that she's seemingly excluded me because I don't have a partner. It's like she doesn't see why she should make the effort to see me now she has these new friends (I think she's recently met them through work.)

I feel a bit hurt and ignored. Whenever I try to speak to her, she seems uninterested and I think the friendship is falling apart. Should I mention it to her or just distance myself?

Buddy80 Fri 10-Jul-15 18:29:38

I would distance yourself. It seems that she may want to leave that part of her life behind. It is a shame for you and It is very probable that the connection you shared was genuine.

She may come back to you at a later stage. Then it is up to you.

Some people are very good at seeing how things fit in with them.

Buddy80 Fri 10-Jul-15 18:33:56

She could make the effort or reciprocate if she wanted to. The bit about couples dinners is only one part of it. Now that her and her husband are getting on better, she probably wants to put all evidence of their past problems behind her. I could be wrong.

I would keep your dignity. You have made enough effort. Let her miss you and then see.

Rubylee87 Fri 10-Jul-15 18:37:45

Thanks. I can see that she probably wants to forget the past marriage problems as she's very gushy about her marriage in public and is always posting lovey dovey things online about her husband. She knows she's distanced herself though. It was my birthday recently and she texted 'happy birthday stranger.' It's like she's getting power from doing it confused

Joysmum Fri 10-Jul-15 18:44:55

I'd ise the happy birthday stranger message as the catalyst for one last attempt.

You can ring her and say it hit you after reading her message how little you see of each other of late and that you would like to work out a concrete date to get together and catch up. If she brushed you off you have your answer for sure and should just drop it.

VerityWaves Fri 10-Jul-15 18:53:27

It's awful when this happens. Try not to second guess it anymore although that must be v hard!
I would distance now, delete her number and stop looking on social media as it just feeds insecurity. Block her if need be!
I think she's been pretty selfish but I wouldn't say a thing personally..

oabiti Fri 10-Jul-15 22:35:40

She knows she has distanced herself & she doesn't seem to want to rectify it. It's her loss, op. She'll come back when she needs that emotional support again.

molyholy Fri 10-Jul-15 23:03:12

I think maybe she thinks she told you too much of her marriage problems and would prefer to forget it. She may come back to you at a later date flowers

Givenchy Fri 10-Jul-15 23:10:32

She may just be busy with all her new friends. Her text, implying that you had not seen each other for ages, surely means that she still wants to see her. Ask her!

Rubylee87 Fri 10-Jul-15 23:24:35

I took the happy birthday message as an opportunity to try to chat to her and arrange a date to meet up again but she was very vague. Kind of like 'yeah we should meet up soon' but never actually committing to anything. Conversations with her nowadays tend to fizzle out very fast.

It's sad because I felt like we had a genuine friendship but I'm doubting that now. I'm not someone who has a huge group of friends so I value the few close friends I have. I feel a bit stupid for spending hours listening to her marriage problems and offering her a place to come to when she couldn't face going home after work. She never took it up but the support was there.

Lifecanonlygetbetter Sat 11-Jul-15 00:20:53

As someone who finds it difficult to make friends, I was very happy when I clicked with someone, and we were very close for a period of time. She then began to distance herself, and I was devastated. She had also done this to another friend of ours, although that friend had taken advantage of her. I then realised that she has a habit of being inseparable with someone before moving on to another 'best friend'. I look back on it as a good time, but have accepted that our relationship has effectively ended.
You were a true friend, you listened to all her problems and gave her support. She doesn't deserve you, especially if she knows that you have had some problems as well. It is probably time to move on....

Fromparistoberlin73 Sat 11-Jul-15 00:49:34

Ah op

I would say screw her . Sounds like she regrets over sharing about her DH and now has moved on

Please retain your dignity / unfollow her and delete number for now

If she (and she might ) come back consider very carefully if she deserved you x

blankblink Sat 11-Jul-15 02:27:23

She may think you know too much and if she invites you over you may let something slip in front of her DH or other friends, so for her own safety she's keeping you at arms length.

winkywinkola Sat 11-Jul-15 03:03:06

I have met a few people like this. They bond and fixate on one friend very intensely. It doesn't last and they move on to the same type of friendship with someone else.

Step back. Don't bother contacting her. It hurts when you think you've made a good friend but you have keep your dignity now.

Buddy80 Sat 11-Jul-15 08:31:04

I feel for you OP but maybe you need to look at it another way. You had a friendship that lasted for a time. That is great.

I think she does want to keep you, but completly on her terms. Screw that! Take back some of the power in this "friendship" and do not make anymore effort. You have done enough.

Her small efforts of the odd text is probably just to maintain things whilst it suits her. So she can come back at a later date.

You have given enough. Move on. Better friends are out there.

Next time she contacts you, ignore it. Trust me, if she has any interest in you and it get ignored it may well enable her to respect you rather than you being so availble to her.

buttonmoonboots Mon 13-Jul-15 10:41:48

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but most people don't want or need to talk every day. It sounds like it was intense and has settled down to a more normal level...

Rubylee87 Mon 13-Jul-15 10:52:18

No I totally understand that, I don't want her to talk to me every day. It was mainly her that initiated those daily conversations. It's just gone from regular communication to nothing at all. She never seems to want to chat to me at all now.

Anyway, the situation hasn't improved so I've scaled back and am going to focus on other things.

scarletforya Mon 13-Jul-15 10:56:08

Don't crawl to her OP. When someone gives you the hint, take it. Don't fluff her ego any more by chasing her.

Hellionsitem2 Mon 13-Jul-15 11:04:13

I would probably give her a bit of space. It sounds to me like she's a bit of a user though. Takes your support when she needs it but unable to support you now

Jan45 Mon 13-Jul-15 11:32:36

She's not a friend, she is a user, makes no difference if you are single. From what you say, she is trying to tell you she is not interested so do the right thing and back off, forget about her, she's not even worth the head space.

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 13-Jul-15 14:58:22

I have had this issue but with someone not including my child rather than me, I spoke with her and we seemed to have resolved the issue.
Sometimes you just have to be brave and confront if you think it's a friendship worth saving. If she is a true friend she will apologise for the behaviour.

jesy Mon 13-Jul-15 15:15:31

I'd be wary if she did come back , I had same issue and all of a sudden she texting me liking pics on fb ect , even asked me round for coffee .
But I'm so wary she used me n hurt me , and the way I am at the moment I couldn't cope .

saturnvista Mon 13-Jul-15 19:56:58

I feel for you because this sounds painful. At the end of the day, some people are good friends while it lasts - and the connection can be real - but ultimately are too self-absorbed to give anything of themselves long-term to another human being. It hurts but if she is this selfish, it was always going to happen. I can understand that you know too much although it must feel terribly unfair when you have put so much into supporting her. In your shoes, I would no longer wish to have this friendship anyway.

SoleBizzzz Sun 26-Jul-15 12:19:15

I have had this happen to me very recently. She is a user, although we are both single. Friend was very intense for almost three years and now nothing! Her loss. I'll maintain my dignity and never contact or speak to her again. I listened to her life problems for years and have felt used as I rarely got anything back. I must be a daft, soft mug.

aeon456 Sun 26-Jul-15 15:41:53

I've had this kind of thing happen a number of times with both men & women - a person who wants to know you just so you can listen to their tales of woe in intricate detail for weeks on end and help get them back on their feet - then they disappear.

I wouldn't want to remain in contact long term with them as they are far too intense, needy and shallow. It's all about them all the time.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now