Hiya I would really appreaciate some advice. I'm at a really low point and very confused. My husband and I have been together 14 years. We had a wonderful happy relationship until 2009 when he had an " emotional affair" for 7 months. I don't believe it was an emotional affair because he spend time with the woman and I was told otherwise but he denied it. The affair came completely out of the blue. We spent many months going back and forth he would come home then change his mind and leave again and I was emotionally spent. Our done was 2 at the time. He loved out after a few months but would still come and go as he pleased treating me awfully and refusing to commit to come home. After a yr and he wouldn't come home I decided for my own sanity to move out. He continued his lifestyle of going out drinking etc but then decided he wanted me back. I said his words were empty and it needed some actions from him. After a couple of years we got back together with him making a lot of promises after admitting he got mixed up with the wrong people and that he wanted his family back. He appeared to be back to himself and after moving back in together in march 2013 we were very happy and our second son was born in July 2014. This was a much wanted baby by him and he was very keen to have another baby. Before he was born my husband became very distant and I tried talking to him to no avail. After his birth he was never home, out on work events or football most nights of the week and wknds or when he was home he showed no interest towards any of us and was very cold towards me. There was no intimacy between us and despite me crying myself to sleep he didn't seem to care. He wouldn't spend anytime with me or the children and was always working or out socialising. I felt like he was with someone else again as his behaviour was as before but he denied this. Following an argument in November he packed his stuff and moved out without any discussion. Our don was 3 months old and the eldest 7 yrs. I repeatedly asked him to come home but he refused with no real explanation. Whilst away he continued going out all the time but wouldn't spend anytime with me. We went to counselling which proved pretty pointless as he didn't really talk and wanted to play a blame game. I'm April 15 I found out he is seeing a 25 yr old at work (he is 39). I found a hotel booking and asked if he was there and they confirmed he was a guest. He of course denies this but admitted he has been going out for drinks with her. He never showed any remorse when I found out and as before blamed it on me. Now I have filed for divorce and he now wants to come home? He says he can't explain why he's done it all again and that he wants us to be happy again. I said we were it was him that changed again. He has also been gambling a lot again I only found this out be guessing a password as he keeps everything financial or personal away from me. My family and friends hate him for putting me through all of this again and I hate what he's done but I still love him and suppose just hope that the man I knew would come back. I'm so hurt that he has invested time and kindness in another woman when that's all I wanted from him. I put no pressure on him or made no demands I just wanted us to have time together. I feel sad that he now wants to come back and had nothing but then he hadn't cared about me. I have fine slot of reading and read an article on narcissism and that could be my life. But he won't leave me alone and my head is so muffled that I hold onto the slightest bit of niceness and normality he gives. Please help xxxx
I might not be of any help but didn't want to read and run. It might be easy for me to say don't let him back but for you it's not that simple as its your feelings for him that are stopping you doing what's right. I would write two lists, one for the pros, one for the cons, and be brutally honest whilst doing it. I'm getting the feeling that the list will have more cons from what you have put. Think about what happened before, you forgave once and gave him a second chance now the same thing is happening again. You filed for divorce now suddenly wants to make a go of it. This pattern will no doubt continue if you do decide to stay together, what will this do to you if things go roundabout again,what's the damage to your DCs long term? Are you worried about finances if divorced or is he worried about his finances if you divorce? You probably know exactly what you should do, which I'm thinking is , divorce, but, feelings are getting in the way of your decision. I have known a few people in your situation that have gone round in circles like you're doing now and from what I've seen, it's ended eventually anyway. Save yourself / DCs from further emotional roller coasters and most of all, in the end, think about your future happiness, we're only here once, what's the point in spending the whole time unhappy when you may be unhappy short term if you split for good. Hope this helps. Here's some to cheer you up.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You are so right and it just helps to hear from someone who's not so close to the situation. I think I just trusted him so much after what he put me through the first time I'm just do hurt. Finances Arnt a worry in that respect I work and fully supported myself when we separated last time do he knows I don't need him as I've done it all by myself. I just loved him south, he was my first real boyfriend and my whole adult life I've been with him. I think because my youngest is do young is even worse. I don't want to be with someone like him and more so I don't want my boys to think it's the right way to treat a woman but he's very manipulative and knows how to get in my head and make me doubt myself. He said he thought I would just always be there but I've told him I'm not his mother. It's a horrible time and I just want to be happy again and not spend my life crying over him. Thank you again so much xx
You sound completely distraught, but despite that there is so much strength apparent in what you're writing. You know you deserve better, you know it's right to let him go & move on. It hurts, but it'll get better. I think you're halfway there x
Good luck with your decision, mn is always here for down to earth advice.
You know he is manioulating you so you have more conteol than you think
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