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I feel like I am getting dating very wrong and putting men off me

(46 Posts)
heartofascorpio Fri 10-Jul-15 10:52:05

I have absolutely no problem attracting men but I seem to be in a cycle with dating which goes alone these lines...

We meet (usually through online dating or at the pub or something) and he likes me, is very full on, very much pestering me for a date. He's texting daily..."good morning" and "goodnight" and wanting to know everything about me, wanting to bend over backwards to meet me, talk to me etc.

I am always reluctant at first because I am not great with strangers. So I take a little while to get to know them. Sometimes over a few dates, sometimes over phonecalls. As I get to know them sometimes my interest in them grows and so a reciprocal attraction slowly begins.

After the first date they almost always want to see me again, and quite quickly, and they continue being very much smitten and I quite enjoy that bit obviously. If the feeling is mutual, then I become genuinely interested in them too.

The very moment this happens, usually after 2 - 3 dates and a lot of chat where I feel some sense of intimacy developing, they suddenly cool off like the ice freezer has been switched on. I suddenly notice they are logging onto their dating profile to keep their options open again. I notice the messages dwindle off. I'm not having sex with them, so it's not that.

They generally still want to see me, but suddenly have less time, and I very much feel the cooling off and this by turn puts me right off and I feel rejected and depressed.

I'm mid thirties, and dating in my teens and twenties was nothing like this. Back then, you liked each other, no one blew hot or cold you just saw each other and it was straight forward.

I find myself feeling like I am doing something wrong here, and I probably am by not following the "rules", but I also feel like my self esteem is getting a bit batterred and I am not feeling like a strong and confident woman.

I have been single a while now...heaps of dates and a few short term relationships but 18 months properly "single" and I really miss intimacy, cuddles, sex.

I am attractive, well educated, have plenty of friends and an amazing life but none of these men really want to be with me. I am not sure if I am not palying hard enough to get, if they are all just a band of ass clowns or if I am walking away too quickly before giving them a chance to get to know me.

I am in a situation with a current man. Just had third date and a lot of chat and getting to know each other and suddenly the frost is on. Our date at the weekend he "hasnt thought about yet", he's texting good morning at 10am instead of 7am, after checking his OLD profile! and I am sitting there thinking...why the fuck do I want to date someone who does that?

Am I expecting too much?

I really want to know if this is me so I can fix it please.

I am usually quite a confident person and have never had any issues with men but the last year with OLD has really knocked the sauce out of me.

quirkycutekitch Fri 10-Jul-15 11:00:45

The only thing I can say is the right guy won't play games. The reason this is happening perhaps is because you are not sleeping with them - which is a good thing because you're weeding out the ones that are only after one thing.

Dating is hard work but worth it when the right one comes along!

Firsttimer7259 Fri 10-Jul-15 11:09:32

Maybe wrong dating site - one that has lots of serial daters?
Also they like you etc but do you have much in common and do they want to introduce you to their friends? Do they suggest things for a date that indicate they want to share who they are with you - like an activity (a walk, exhibition, place) or a type of movie ( plus obviously within that are they thinking about.whether you might like that?) if it's mainly pub/club/dinner in generic place I'd suspect they are just going through the necessary steps to get into your pants and that if.that isn't happening by date 3 they decide she's too much effort. Which is no bad thing for weeding.out guys that aren't up for a relationship (assuming you want a relationship) but you might need to try different site or change your profile to attract different type.of guy.

But I haven't been out there in a while so maybe I'm spouting bollocks

KatieScarlettreregged Fri 10-Jul-15 11:12:08

I think you are doing fine.
They are bored that you haven't shagged them and CBA to pretend they are interested on anything else.
Better weeding out these chancres early, I'd say.

heartofascorpio Fri 10-Jul-15 11:13:18

At first when it happenned what I did was to feel confused and like I had done something wrong, so I started acting like an idiot and trying to get them to like me as much again. The only thing that actually makes them like me as much again is if I walk off and lose interest.

I have stopped playing the "I'm great, please like me again!" dance and have now just started to instantly lose interest at the very first whiff of blowing even slightly cold on me.

Is that taking it too far? Am thinking of not seeing this guy again because he's gone cold on me, and less than 24 hours of me not answering his messages and he's texting me every 5 minutes and obviously panicking that he's lost my interest.

It shouldn't be like this...should it?

Maybe I am making it too easy?

I just really want to be able to be me. To show it if I like someone and not have to play these silly games of fakery and subterfuge.

Thenapoleonofcrime Fri 10-Jul-15 11:13:58

I agree that these type of games are just ridiculous. Saying 'I haven't thought about it yet' is just an insult, I'd text getting rid straight away. Why would you want to date someone who isn't even bothering to set up a date for the weekend. When they did text, I would be busy. The Rules were not wrong about that!

I have also noticed this pattern with OD with a friend of mine, I think it's very common, it seemed like guys were always chasing the new girl, the new experience, and once it became obvious they were interested, they backed off/started doing booty calls etc. I think OD brings this out worse than normal dating. All I can suggest is what I suggested to her, is that she spot the bad 'un's much quicker, as what she would do is see someone a few time, start to fall for them, and even though they would be saying things like 'I'm busy/hung up on ex/booty calls only' she would persist trying to make it into a better relationship. I posted her 'He's just not that into you' which helped her a lot see that once you hear an excuse of this nature, the best thing to do is to just move on yourself, otherwise you are wasting time.

I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince, I didn't do OD thank goodness. I also advised my friend to take a couple of months out every now and again as she used to end up emotionally battered and bruised by all the keenness/rejection cycle.

I honestly don't think it is you, it's too common a tale!

LineRunner Fri 10-Jul-15 11:15:31

I think that pp^^ may be right that you are inadvertently doing a good job of weeding.

Thenapoleonofcrime Fri 10-Jul-15 11:15:58

I also think texting is the work of the devil in dating, because it creates a false sense of intimacy- so texting at 7am when you barely know the person. I wouldn't dump someone for not responding in a given time frame, that's ridiculous but I would find something else to do this weekend that's more interesting than sitting in waiting to be commanded to go out by some random. If they are flaky, definitely move on.

heartofascorpio Fri 10-Jul-15 11:16:23

Firsttimer...I suppose no, it's not getting to the stage of meeting their friends. I am feeling a bit used. I am not sure what it is because I'm quite clear about what I am looking for on my profile.

I guess in truth none of them have liked me enough. But that makes me feel like shit!

Like they like the look of me, but not the me that they get to know confused

Thenapoleonofcrime Fri 10-Jul-15 11:21:17

heart you are completely wrong, they are just not interested in settling down with anyone, it's not you! Honestly, my poor friend must have gone on so many dates like this, with her wailing down the phone 'why doesn't he like me' and to be honest, she was a real catch so it was a mystery. I came to the conclusion that OD brings out the worst, particularly in a certain type of 30-40 year old in the big cities, where they feel like a kid in a sweet shop, just hopping from date to date, and always feeling there might be someone 'better' out there (there isnt' because they don't stop long enough to build a real connection). Talking of crap dating books, Men are from Mars used to advise men to date one woman exclusively quite a few times for this reason rather than hop about, and despite the stereotyped bollocks in some of that book, that was good advice.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, but get alert to the signs of flakiness and hopping about, take a break when you are fed up and do some nice stuff with nice friends which isn't OD. It's so relentless.

quirkycutekitch Fri 10-Jul-15 11:24:56

It's hard not to take it personally- but it really is them not you.

KatieScarlettreregged Fri 10-Jul-15 11:27:29

It has nothing to do with your personality.
They want uncomplicated sex, not a relationship (they will claim differently), you are attractive enough for them to pretend for a while they are interested in more. But eventually they will fuck of to someone more gullible.
It's not you. It's them.

heartofascorpio Fri 10-Jul-15 11:29:50

So when the right man comes along he won't make me feel like this or question anything or wonder why I've not had a call that day? Is it just that simple and i need to keep weeding ruthlessly?

suzannecanthecan Fri 10-Jul-15 11:30:33

weeding out the players
they all think that they can win with that strategy these dayshmm

quirkycutekitch Fri 10-Jul-15 11:31:21

That was my experience - it feels right - I know sounds a bit corny grin

KatieScarlettreregged Fri 10-Jul-15 11:32:18

Yes, it is very much that simple grin

Rummikub Fri 10-Jul-15 11:40:42

I've been having this exact conversation with my friends. The men say and do all the right things. As soon as I feel this has got potential then they go a bit cooler. Frustrating. I've gone through the phase of thinking its me, I'm not good enough, I'm doing something to put them off. But I've now come to the conclusion its them. But I still dont know why!

FinallyHere Fri 10-Jul-15 11:47:12

Just wanted to add my voice to the people saying, it's really not you and you are doing a great job of weeding out the ones who only want to get into you pants and then drop you. Sigh.

For myself, I find it impossible to 'date' people: the whole baggage of trying to find out what someone is really like while they put their best foot forward is too pressurised an environment for me to blossom & flourish. I wouldn't suggest that you stop dating, but that you stop looking for 'the one' and enjoy a series of 'events' , while continuing to drop any who start to blow cold or even hot & cold.

When I was looking, I did some 'dates' all of which were horrendous but gave me good material for funny anecdotes. I ended up married to the friend I knew from badminton, the only person in real life I had ever told about my adventurers. It took a long time, and he got divorced in the time we were getting to know each other and had some stories to tell himself about people who knew he was divorced setting him up in blind dates.

There were times when I would find myself in traffic jams, look around at the other drivers and think, surely with so many people, there must be one for me. There was one, sitting in the safe place I had kept from dating and where I least expected to find someone.

Hope it works out for you, too.

Threefishys Fri 10-Jul-15 11:54:04

Firstly. Intimacy takes longer than three dates surely. Secondly why would a virtual stranger text you everyday at 7am let alone 10am? Why does it matter what time?? Keep texting to arranging dates and when there is something to say. Good morning and goodnight texts are just pointless after a while? I've been with my DP 9 months , met on Tinder all going well. My advice. Chill out and don't take it too seriously, dating is relationship try outs - some you win some you lose. I would say there is nothing wrong with you or them. When you click with the right one these questions will become completely moot

Wrapdress Fri 10-Jul-15 12:02:33

It's not you. You are a live woman and that's all that matters. They chase and pursue and then they "win" and they are done and on to the next one. Thank goodness you are not having sex during this process. If you did have sex, the cycle would be shorter and end upon the man "winning" the sex.

Texting is pointless. I agree with the above poster in that it creates a false sense of intimacy. I had one guy who texted me every day for 2 weeks - didn't ask me out - and one day he texted me the 1st of the daily texts and I said to myself - No More - and tossed my phone aside, no response. He never texted again. So one text to me that goes unanswered and he's done. It was all so pointless.

Twinklestein Fri 10-Jul-15 12:13:12

It's not you. It sounds like they're just looking for sex, when there's no sign of it after a few dates they go back online to find other sources.

Not saying all guys do this, some guys are genuinely looking for a serious relationship, but these ones clearly aren't.

The net is a very useful tool for guys who want quick flings.

Spell99 Fri 10-Jul-15 12:45:39

I don't think its possible to keep up that level of textual intimacy for very long. After the first flurry it always settles into a more natural contact regime. This isn't to say they are not going cold on you, I just wouldn't read much into text frequency. Once you have dated once texts should not be the primary source of communication.

heartofascorpio Fri 10-Jul-15 13:42:25

I'm not timing texts or anything, but you feel the cool breeze, then you ignore for 1 day and you feel the red hot lava flow again. It just doesn't feel very nice and under those circumsances you're not really able to gain any real intimacy so there's no point anyway.

I know texts die down a bit but you don't expect them to be suddenly back on POF before they text you in the morning and all that stuff. I know it's a bit silly and a bit like spying but it just puts me right off! I don't want to feel like a hedged bet!

I told the one for this weekend that something else had come up, and he did seem quite miffed. "what time does it finish, maybe I can meet you after" and then "really dissappointed as I wanted to see you". I just lost enthusiasm because it IS insulting to say he'd not thought about what we were doing. I know that I had been thinking about it, so it's hard to feel special and wanted by the other person when the CBF to even think about it.

The push and pull that makes you feel off kilter and you don't want to be weepy or needy but unless you're skin's made of leather it does make you feel so crap and down on yourself.

I just want someone to treat me like they think I'm amazing and me not hve to sit there wondering why the phone hasn't run or whatever. I have started looking at everyone with a husband wondering what it is that mae them amazing to someone and not me. Really stupid, I know, but I feel faulty!

VaviaVive Fri 10-Jul-15 13:47:21

I've been reading a lot of PUA sites and Red Pill stuff to figure out what men want, and it is this: they want to sex by AT LEAST the 2nd date, then they'll decide whether to continue seeinh you or not. They're told that the more dates it takes to get sex, the less likely they will get it. So they're giving up on you. HTH

SirVixofVixHall Fri 10-Jul-15 13:50:45

I would stop worrying whether any of these men like you or not. And only consider whether or not you like them.

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