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husband says he has never loved me

(33 Posts)
apollo59 Fri 10-Jul-15 02:19:32

All new to me. My husband and I have been together 20 years. He says he has always had doubts about our relationship. We have been going to counselling where he says he is struggling to stay in our marriage. He had a flirtation with someone about 10 years ago and last year he had an affair with someone I know. I love him still, but don't know what to do. We have 2 boys 17 and 15. They are both doing or in the middle of exams.

mrsg1888 Fri 10-Jul-15 02:27:29

I would keep amicable but part ways. I wouldn't stand for being treated that way. It shouldn't be a one way street. If he's not sure he loves you find someone who does.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 10-Jul-15 02:29:16

He's still with the woman he had the affair with or has found another.

Get yourself a shit hot lawyer.

Bogeyface Fri 10-Jul-15 02:43:18

He had doubts of his love for you yet somehow managed to put up with it for 20 years?

BULL.SHIT.

Get rid, he is using you until his roving eye finds someone poor cow who will take him on. Yes it will be hard on your sons, but far harder for them to live through the next 3 years with the atmosphere that will be there if you let this continue.

Bogeyface Fri 10-Jul-15 02:46:01

Just wondering, given that he now at "rewriting history", presumably he has already been through "depression" and "alienation"?

Bogeyface Fri 10-Jul-15 02:46:35

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-Crisis-a-guide-how-to-hurt-people

apollo59 Fri 10-Jul-15 03:12:09

Thanks to all of you. We have our last counselling session on Saturday. He says he isn't in contact with OW, but I wouldn't know as he is away during the week. I am around 10 years older than him and I think he just wants to trade up as it were. His father did the same thing and don't want my beautiful boys to do that.

apollo59 Fri 10-Jul-15 03:12:09

Thanks to all of you. We have our last counselling session on Saturday. He says he isn't in contact with OW, but I wouldn't know as he is away during the week. I am around 10 years older than him and I think he just wants to trade up as it were. His father did the same thing and don't want my beautiful boys to do that.

mathanxiety Fri 10-Jul-15 03:42:12

Ask him when he will be moving out, this weekend or next, and putting an end to his dreadful suffering.

He has found someone else. He has written a script about your relationship to justify his new attachment. Dump him and let your boys know what a piece of scum he is.

textfan Fri 10-Jul-15 03:57:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 10-Jul-15 05:37:55

After you've sourced the services of a SHL, tell him you can't bear to see him struggling - and cut the lying cheating scumbag loose without a lifebelt.

O jeez, honey, in his case the apple didn't fall far from the tree but, with your loving guidance, your dc won't cause history to repeat itself.

'Always had doubts' for the past 20 years? He's clearly not an original thinker as he's using the same old hackneyed script so beloved by tossers the world over.

TheStoic Fri 10-Jul-15 05:59:10

*He's still with the woman he had the affair with or has found another.

Get yourself a shit hot lawyer.*

Yep. Tell him you are putting him out of his misery, by setting him free.

Greenrememberedhills Fri 10-Jul-15 06:37:48

I agree with everyone else. He's lying, and in more ways than one.

CateCadiz Fri 10-Jul-15 06:42:06

" Tell him you are putting him out of his misery, by setting him free".....or better still that you are putting you out of your misery, and taking back your self respect.

CamelHump Fri 10-Jul-15 06:48:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrstweefromtweesville Fri 10-Jul-15 07:04:45

After you've sourced the services of a SHL, tell him you can't bear to see him struggling - and cut the lying cheating scumbag loose without a lifebelt
Do this.
If your sons ask about his behaviour, respond with 'Do you think this is a good way for a man to treat his wife?' Let them work it out.

bigoldbird Fri 10-Jul-15 07:17:53

I am sorry to hear this. I went to couple counselling with my ex husband and he said exactly the same. It is rubbish. He has someone else I am afraid.

The pain I felt when he said he had never loved me was intense. However, it was the push I needed to kick him out. I have never looked back, have a wonderful DH now and a fabulously happy life.

Ex DH got what he wanted, is married to the other woman and is miserable as sin and always harping on about what a lovely life we had together and how much he regrets his actions whenever I see him (which thankfully isn't very often).

I would suggest you put yourself first, get shot of him (it hurts like buggery) and do what makes you happy. Put yourself and your children first.

Never bad mouth him to the children. They will work it out for themselves at some point (if they haven't already).

Good luck.

Reginafalangie Fri 10-Jul-15 07:22:04

Its is the same script they all read from.

"It's not you its me"
"I never really loved you"

There is always an OW, either an active affair or his head has been turned.

He will try to minimise his part in this and probably try to blame you for the affair because.....you have changed....you're not affectionate anymore......he has grown/changed and you haven't moved with him.

I am sorry but your marriage is over and it isn't because of you. He chose to betray you twice.

Please take the advice on this thread.

Gather all the documents you need.
Open your own bank account if you don't have one.
Find a good lawyer.
Ask him to leave.

You cannot rely on him for anything anymore practically or emotionally.

Good luck OP flowers

Joysmum Fri 10-Jul-15 07:28:10

Ask him what this say about him that he allowed you to waste the best years of your life with him because he lied when you could have found somebody that truly loved you and deserved your love.

At least you got your sons from this. flowers

apollo59 Fri 10-Jul-15 08:24:05

I can totally see that you all make sense, but have had emails where he says that he has had/does have loving feelings toward me. Don't want to tell him to leave as it is up to him to go otherwise he'll be able to say it was me. I don't see him during the week except for a wednesday.

apollo59 Fri 10-Jul-15 08:24:06

I can totally see that you all make sense, but have had emails where he says that he has had/does have loving feelings toward me. Don't want to tell him to leave as it is up to him to go otherwise he'll be able to say it was me. I don't see him during the week except for a wednesday.

SweetAndFullOfGrace Fri 10-Jul-15 08:27:38

It's entirely possible for him to have had loving feelings towards you and still treat you with complete disrespect. He is telling you who he is and what he wants. Listen to him.

DrElizabethPlimpton Fri 10-Jul-15 08:33:21

Telling him to leave doesn't make it your fault the marriage ended. It is his behaviour that has done that.

Please don't carry on like this. You will be miserable for ever. It is a huge step, but it isn't as bad as staying with a bastard!

flowers

hellsbellsmelons Fri 10-Jul-15 08:39:25

How can it be you?
You didn't have an affair.
So that is you making excuses to stay.
You are allowed to stay and try to make it work.
You don't have to finish it over him having affairs.
When my Ex had an affair I just couldn't forget or forgive, but we are all different.

ilovelamp82 Fri 10-Jul-15 08:45:24

Nothing you could do now could make it your fault. The man has told you he doesn't love you.

You have 2 options. Stay with a man that doesn't love you (is probably cheating) and lose all your self esteem and show your dc that this is acceptable.

Or tell him to leave (as this is his doing) so he doesn't get to walk all over you anymore and you can regain some self respect and self esteem.

Staying in a relationship with someone who tells you that they love you but acts differently is so incredibly emotionally damaging. Being with someone who treats you badly and tells you they don't love you is madness.

I know you have been with him a long time and you think this is going to badly affect the dc but this is not your doing and showing your dc a bad relationship is as damaging long term.

Kick him out. Stay strong. It's your only option. thanks wine

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