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Any counsellors out there? Question about "The Script"

(31 Posts)
purplesprings Thu 09-Jul-15 22:44:11

Amongst counselling professionals is "The Script " recognized and accepted? If so how do you work with someone who is seeking counselling as a result of unknowingly being on the receiving end of it? What happens if a couple come in and one of them doesn't realise that the other is ticking all the script boxes?

I'm curious as agreeing to attend counselling without any intention of working on the relationship seems to be accepted as one of the signs of the script.

horrayforharoldlloyd Fri 10-Jul-15 08:17:10

Do you mean Life Script or the script of a cheater?

msrisotto Fri 10-Jul-15 08:19:26

I have no idea what you're talking about

Imoleia Fri 10-Jul-15 08:21:06

I don't know the answer to your question but I will politely answer the rude post above - the script of an abuisive partner or spouse often but not always male. HTH.

seaweed123 Fri 10-Jul-15 10:33:36

I don't know either, but did actually wonder this myself this morning, when I read this:

www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/most-common-complaints-men-have-about-marriage_559c221fe4b0759e2b511121

Numbers 2 and 3 in particular seemed a bit script-y/bollocks to me.

purplesprings Fri 10-Jul-15 18:51:47

In the relationships threads whenever a partner (male or female) is having an affair there is almost inevitably reference made to "the script". This is a series of actions/behaviours common to those having affairs which both create some justification in the mind of the unfaithful partner for having an affair whilst also undermining the self esteem of their marital partner.

It's referenced so often on these threads I assumed everyone would be familiar with it.

purplesprings Fri 10-Jul-15 18:52:40

hooray script of a cheater

purplesprings Sat 11-Jul-15 09:16:03

Are there no counsellors who read these threads? Or do they lurk so that they don't get drawn into providing free advice?

LoisPuddingLane Sat 11-Jul-15 09:49:11

Perhaps counsellors prefer to do something else in their free time. Like skateboarding or baking.

HeadDoctor Sat 11-Jul-15 09:57:17

I'm a psychotherapist. I do not work with "the script". I am familiar with signs of emotional abuse. Working with someone who is abusive is complicated. Firstly, if they have been forced to attend, it's likely the counselling will fail. Secondly, clients rarely come and say "I'm being emotionally abusive". I personally believe that a large majority of abusers don't even realise that their actions are abusive.

For me, I'd be looking to deal with the root of the abuse. Why is this person acting in this way. It would involve a lot of empathy for the abuser. This can be a problem if the abuser has narcissistic personality traits. Often, they stay while it's nice when the therapeutic relationship is being developed and then when challenged, they leave.

I don't think people need to be aware they are acting abusively for me to help them change. Bringing awareness is a large part of my job. Same goes for someone who doesn't realise they are being abused or who have just discovered they were. That work would be about trust, boundaries and about processing the emotions in a healthy way.

That's a long winded way of saying "the script of cheater" is not a "thing" where counselling is concerned. That said, I don't do couple work so it may be different for a couples counsellor.

RonaldMcDonald Sat 11-Jul-15 10:24:48

I work in a related field and have no idea what 'the script' refers to at all

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sat 11-Jul-15 10:37:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeadDoctor Sat 11-Jul-15 10:42:25

Is the script really a thing or is it just shorthand for unimaginative excuses?

LoisPuddingLane Sat 11-Jul-15 10:51:28

It seems to be a Thing. Just read a few threads on here and the same pattern/words come up again and again.

Milllii Sat 11-Jul-15 11:02:30

Type in The Script on MN or google search it.

DeanParrish Sat 11-Jul-15 11:03:24

When my marriage ended after exH's affair, he followed The Script almost exactly. Apparently our marital problems were all my fault! Who knew?

Everythinghaschanged Sat 11-Jul-15 11:09:44

I thought 'the script' was an MN thing.

LoisPuddingLane Sat 11-Jul-15 11:11:16

You only have to google it to see it is a known Thing.

HeadDoctor Sat 11-Jul-15 11:15:53

Known by whom? It just reads like predictable excuses to me.

laurierf Sat 11-Jul-15 11:18:41

The next person I know who tells me they are having relationship problems, partner's unsure whether they want to be in relationship anymore, swears there's no one else etc. etc. I'm sending straight to the MN Relationships board. I'm sure therapy is helpful for dealing with the aftermath (though not when "empathy for the cheater" actually just reinforces their sense of entitlement) , but couples can spend a long time in counselling before one of them finally fesses up/gets caught. MN seems to flush it out very quickly.

Weebirdie Sat 11-Jul-15 11:19:22

It a MN thing and just a list of behaviours thats likely to follow a separation.

Ive never really paid too much attention to it but to others its very important.

Cool1Cat Sat 11-Jul-15 11:27:46

I have NHS training in Psychodynamic Therapy. We never label or stereotype because everyone is different. Having said that we all have a sexual script, formed in childhood, of what turns us on and how we behave to others, and this can include sadistic behaviour towards partners. Just think, what he or she has done to you, s/he will probably do to new partner in time. The other reason for straying is partner's needs are not being met at home, calling for better communication and change. This psychotherapy can help with, even if one partner goes.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 11-Jul-15 11:33:18

Some behaviours seem to be fairly predictable, but it's not a fixed, hard-wired-into-humanity thing. Don't forget that monogamy and infidelity are invented, culturally-specific concepts.

LoisPuddingLane Sat 11-Jul-15 12:32:21

The other reason for straying is partner's needs are not being met at home

Or they are just being an entitled twat.

FrankietheSquealer Sat 11-Jul-15 12:34:20

i bloody love the Script. Its ( not from personal experience lucky) SO true

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