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How do you accept that your mum isn't a Mother?

(44 Posts)
DisappointedandAngry Thu 09-Jul-15 20:59:23

Namechanged. Penis beaker, centre parcs, etc.

My mum has put me through some awful things. When I was 14 I was raped by my brother. He admitted what he had done to her before he was arrested. She then told anyone that would listen that I was lying. She abandoned me in support of my brother.

She (and others in the family) pressured me into dropping my statement by telling me he had been attacked in prison and that if he went to jail he would be murdered or kill himself and that I would be put into care.

She then threw me out at 18, whilst still supporting and housing my brother (3 years older). I was on a dismal wage and barely kept myself together, eating smartprice noodles and pasta.

She then disowned me when I got pregnant a few years later, as I had told my Auntie before her. I was staying with her for a few months when I found out I was pregnant and she threw me and my unborn child out and didn't speak to me until he was 5 weeks old.

I invited her to come and see DS and she said she had no intention of speaking to me at all, she just wanted to see her grandson.

A couple of years passed and our relationship was a lot better than it had been in a long time. No explosive arguments or dramas since my son was born.

I moved into her house whilst I was looking for a new place. Me and DS arrived about a month ago. Most times she is a bit mean to him. Constantly telling him off for normal toddler things. She doesn't do this with her first born GC, who she looks after every weekend, at her request.

We had a row on Sunday over me speaking to someone she doesn't like and it ended with her telling me to present myself to homeless.

I was heartbroke and so angry, not that she would do it to me again but that she would ever think of putting my Son out on the street.

I think that's when it hit me that she isn't a Mother/Grandmother. She's just a person. At every turn she blames me for everything and makes out I'm a horrible person who ruined her life.

I'm aiming to be out in a couple of weeks. I feel I let my son down by coming here when she would so easily put him out on the street or in a hostel with dangerous/unstable people. I never in a million years thought she would project the hate she feels for me towards my beautiful son. Aren't Nana's supposed to adore, spoil and love their GC no matter what?

I think I may move away from the borough she lives in.

How do I go the rest of my life without a Mum? sad

DisappointedandAngry Thu 09-Jul-15 21:01:53

Wow...long. Sorry!

Thenapoleonofcrime Thu 09-Jul-15 21:11:54

Disappointed I know it seems like another slap in the face, and it is, but in the long run, you need to move out and your mum refusing to be a good mum might help you do that, because you will present as homeless, the council will have to house you.

I don't have any other great advice, but I know that the disappointment of this must be huge for you, and it's doubly disappointing for your own child, however I do also think that once you are a mum yourself, you start to behave in a more protective way to your own child than perhaps yourself and removing yourself from this situation would do that (she sounds horrible to him). You also have a chance to do things differently, in the full knowledge of how it feels, I think you will. Hope you get on ok.

Ver1tyPushpram Thu 09-Jul-15 21:13:05

There is something very wrong with the person who gave birth to you. It is a basic expectation that our parents will love and cherish us and want the best for us, sadly it isn't always true.

You go the rest of your life by building relationships with the people you meet who are decent. I have a very good friend who is a damn site more reliable and supportive than anyone in my family ever was. Worthwhile people are out there, they just aren't always related to us.

So sorry you are going through this flowers

wotoodoo Thu 09-Jul-15 21:16:40

Your post is harrowing. Your mother is a very damaged person and you have done an amazing job in being a survivor of the treatment she has dished out.

A good mother/grandmother should be a loving and caring woman. It is devastating when our reality does not much up to this ideal.

It sounds as if you are a very good mother and will eventually be a very good grandmother. Your mother is not and never will be.

That fact means you may be in mourning for what you never had. I hope you keep your mother at arm's length, she is toxic and not a good role model for your son.

Try to surround yourself with people who are genuinely lovely and caring. It is good that you recognise your mother's behaviour is not.

It is very hard but believe me, it will get better. I have no relationship with my mother save the odd card and I am so much happier not having to put up with how awful she was.

My children don't have a loving grandma either but we have lots of close friends who more than make up for it.

Stay strong and true to your ideal of a good mother to your own son smile

goddessofsmallthings Thu 09-Jul-15 21:17:26

It seems to me you're best advised to present yourself as homeless at your current local council's housing office tomorrow morning and look to be housed as far away from the woman who gave birth to you as possible.

If you are housed in hotel/hostel it's unlikely to be for long and you may be pleasantly surprised to find that other residents are no more unstable or dangerous than yourself smile

It also seems to me that you've managed very well without a mum and the best way to come to terms with this situation is to realise that it is what it is and that self-reliance, and the self-confidence that comes with knowing that you have and can make it alone, brings rewards that are denied to others whose earlier lives have been more positive.

cozietoesie Thu 09-Jul-15 21:23:13

It's a great sadness.

Maybe have a read of this thread, Disappointed. (You could always post there as well, linking to this thread to save you having to re-type.)

Corygal Thu 09-Jul-15 21:26:39

Your mum has got something horribly wrong with her. Get out and stay out, for your own sake.

Thing is, the worse parents are, the more we keep going back. We do this because we constantly hope things will change and we'll finally get the love and validation we need.

Your mum won't give you that. She won't change. You will never get the maternal love you crave. That's very sad - a tragedy - for you. But accepting it is what you need for your future. And your future doesn't need to be anything but good as long as you move on.

DisappointedandAngry Thu 09-Jul-15 21:26:59

Thank you all. I didn't get upset writing my post but reading your replies made me cry.

I guess it is good fo hear other people say her behaviour is bad. I hear from family members that I should make allowances for my Mum because she sacrificed a lot for her kids. confused

She has said I don't have to go after I called her out on trying to throw a 2 year old out on the street. I have the money to private rent (just about) and don't want to disrupt DS when I can just avoid her for 2 weeks.

She is being overly nice to my DS now. Which hurts me more as I know it's fake. She is also ignoring me and making passive aggressive comments to make out I'm the one in the wrong and thus alleviate herself of guilt.

DisappointedandAngry Thu 09-Jul-15 21:28:01

Thank you cozitosie I will look at that thread. thanks

Salene Thu 09-Jul-15 21:34:11

She sounds like a bitter twisted cow. I'm sorry I know by blood she is your mother but in reality she doesn't worthy of your spit if she was on fire. If it was me is walk out that door with my son and never look back. He doesn't need a person like that in his life nor do you. As for how do you live your life with no mum. Sounds like you have already as she has no maternal bones in her body.

You have the only person you need in your life, your boy. The love you have with him is the only love you need

Good luck OP you deserve a happy life xx

KatieScarlettreregged Thu 09-Jul-15 21:36:24

She sacrificed YOU for her kid.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 09-Jul-15 21:37:19

What a disgusting excuse for a mother.

You come to terms with this by letting your hater be your motivator.

Let it inspire you to be a great mother and achieve great things with your life.

Do not hope that she will change, do not expect anything from her and I will promise you won't be disappointed.

flowers

CheeseandGherkins Thu 09-Jul-15 21:40:06

You should leave and never look back. Your son will be affected by her behaviour even if you think he isn't. He will pick up on things. Ignoring you in front of your child, what does that teach him?

It's all very wrong. He will be more hurt by you staying there than through any "disruption". She sounds like an awful, awful person and I'm so sorry that you only have her as a "mother".

It's terrible that she did that to you when you were raped, supporting your brother...what a terrible thing to do when she knew the truth. I'm so sorry for you sad

DisappointedandAngry Thu 09-Jul-15 21:43:45

I think it hurts me now because when I look at my DS' squishy little face, I just know I couldn't even think half of the things she's even said to me, let alone do the things she's done.

I tried to ask her about the situation with my brother when I was older (advice of therapist) and she said she wouldn't talk to me about it. And asked me why I would want to put her through that pain all over again.

I'm a grown ass adult and yet I just think 'why don't you love me?'

DisappointedandAngry Thu 09-Jul-15 21:45:09

And now I'm wallowing in self pity. Grip anyone? grin

KatieScarlettreregged Thu 09-Jul-15 21:50:23

Thats because you are a lovely, normal mum.
Expecting anything from that woman is like expecting a toad to become Brad Pitt, simply by using the art of conversation.

wheelycote Thu 09-Jul-15 21:57:57

So so sorry for everything you've endured xxx

I can only give you my experience..my mum not a nice lady (on the outside what people see...a very upstanding woman) not for me though. Over the years I have struggled with the automatic love for her despite the things she's done. I always went back...always felt I needed her...longed to have her be my mum as I saw other people's mothers love and treat their children. Can not tell you how twisted it all had me....wanting my mum in my life but at the same time wanting to be a million miles and sorry but looking forward to when she passes

One day the penny dropped....

it really wasn't personal...the woman for whatever reason was/is just not capable of being a mother.

once I excepted this...had a weight lift off my shoulders...I should say though at first I grieved.....it hurt for a little while but now I see her for what she is....

Just not capable.

I still can't cut ties completely...send birthday / Christmas Easter card etc.. because on some level I want her to see that I'm nothing like her...that no matter what she did..I wasn't going to turn out like her. I would never allow her anymore than that, in my life now though.

DisappointedandAngry Thu 09-Jul-15 21:59:11

I'm viewing a house on Monday that is about a half hour drive from her. I think I will seriously consider going NC

She's already told me the sooner I'm gone the better and never to contact her again, as she overhead me calling her the C word on the phone. (straight after she had threatened to kick us out, I left apartment and went downstairs and sat outside in the rain and was crying on the phone to my friend. She followed me and heard). Probably shouldn't have said it but I think that word describes someone who would throw her own 2yo GC out.

Thanks for your support.

DisappointedandAngry Thu 09-Jul-15 22:01:56

Wheelycote thanks for you.

Was it difficult going virtually NC? Do you have family that try and convince you to see her?

I have family that tried to convince me to have Christmas day with my brother and the rest of them as it would make my mum happy. confused

staffiegirl Thu 09-Jul-15 22:06:57

You're allowed the odd wallow OP; realisation that you have a shit mother who is incapable of fulfilling her role in any shape or form can be very tough to deal with.

She sounds absolutely abhorrent and as others have said, you need to move out asap. Hostels/refuges can sometimes get bad press, but they are places of safety and with a mother as toxic as that, a place of safety for you and your DS is what you need right now.

Your DS's 'squishy little face' sounds a good grip to hold onto. Keep that lovely little face in mind when you're focusing on moving forward in your life.

Good luck for your future smile

mrstweefromtweesville Thu 09-Jul-15 22:08:11

Just sending supportive thoughts for you and your little one.

wheelycote Thu 09-Jul-15 22:36:35

Dissapointed - As long as I could remember I blamed myself for everything...then at some point I got very angry. The NC was hard at first because of that anger.... I wanted her to pay...to take accountability...ownership...responsibility...acknowledge the things done...get some answers of how she could have been that way to me but not my younger brother or sister. I had good friends who having known me from childhood would listen to me endlessly and stop me from racking up at her house. After a few years out of the blue I rang her...don't know why...asked her how she was and what I heard back finally made the penny drop.

My sister, brother, maternal grandparents and mum have from what I see on the outside a good relationship. It would get very weird after I'd left home because sister, brother and grandparents wanted the happy family and do Christmas and birthdays with me there too. I did it one year for them and never again...it was so false...being in a room of people that obviously accepting and forgiving for what she'd done over the years and not giving it a second thought. Like none of it happened.

I would love a good relationship with ds, db and grandparents but that fact that grandparents hadn't stepped in and db and ds wanting us to be a big happy family....it's just too weird. I keep them all at a distance.

I became a children's nurse because I wanted to be able to step in when I saw any little one in a similar situation and the job has given me insight into families...which helped me to understand more.

My humblest of humblest advice to you is to consider that she may just

not be capable.

That you may have to now do the job your mother should do for you and that is...protect you. You have to protect yourself...if that means putting space between you and her, then that's what you have to do...ask yourself if you were the mum you hoped you'd had...what advice and what action would you take.

Deal with situation with your mum first...then the family but always protect yourself from anymore hurt from her

No134 Thu 09-Jul-15 23:03:04

She is a witch who doesn't deserve you or your ds. Fact.

But despite what you've been through, you have a huge amount going for you, especially the fact that you have so much clarity about what the reality of this situation is. You're angry, which will stand you in good stead. You know she can't be trusted, has hung you out to dry, and doesn't deserve to be in your son's life. Hold onto all of those things, because they will see you through the next few months and years. Many of us who have been through similar things have spent a lot longer getting to the point that you're at already.

You sound really strong, so you can use that strength to get the fuck out of there, and keep yourself and your child away. And as time goes on you will make a new and better life, and be able to surround yourself with other people who do deserve to be in your life, and who will appreciate you for what you are.

Y0la Thu 09-Jul-15 23:12:56

That is awful. There is something wrong with your mother.

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