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porn and our future

(461 Posts)
myluckystars Thu 09-Jul-15 19:37:51

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

AuntyMag10 Thu 09-Jul-15 19:39:58

You are pathetically trying to blame your dh for you wanting to cheat. hmm

AnyoneForTennis Thu 09-Jul-15 19:41:10

Chances are this new man also enjoys porn. Many do!

Janette123 Thu 09-Jul-15 19:48:30

"We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face."

So why aren't you either trying to fix this by using a medium called communication, or pulling the plug on this marriage?

Starting an affair to solve marriage problems, is like firebombing your house because the kitchen tap is leaking.

Please come back into the real world and start taking responsibility.

myluckystars Thu 09-Jul-15 19:48:53

No not at all, I would never have an affair. It has made me realise I could be happy again in a relationship, I have a very unusual job and meeting this man feels like a one-off. I don't think all men watch porn and I certainly don't think all men lie.

nequidnimis Thu 09-Jul-15 20:25:04

You don't respect your DH, impose rules he is expected to adhere to without discussion or compromise, and now find yourself attracted to someone else.

If you can't be arsed communicating with your DH, or agreeing steps to improve your relationship, then leave him so that you're both free to find someone who makes you happy.

I think you'll be hard pressed to find a guy who never uses porn tbh, but maybe you'll strike lucky.

chocfireguard Thu 09-Jul-15 20:26:17

Men are men. They watch porn. Your expectations of him are unrealistic, such that he cannot possibly meet them. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

chocfireguard Thu 09-Jul-15 20:28:53

Can you just ask him to be truthful, rather than ban him outright? Porn is never a slur on the woman, or an indication that they are not satisfied. It is just part of male sexual lust. No matter how great, varied and frequent the sex life, they will watch it for other reasons.

AnyFucker Thu 09-Jul-15 20:30:08

wow, this thread is a great juxtaposition of "men! horrid porn watchers!" and "come help me excuse my cheating"

it could run to double the amount of goady fuckers rocking up smile

PeppermintPasty Thu 09-Jul-15 20:32:36

Did you mean to word your second paragraph that way op? I was with you up til then grin

Joysmum Thu 09-Jul-15 20:35:33

If porn is a deal breaker for you then break the deal.

He's clearly wanting porn more than he wants to meet your boundaries as you've made it clear but just issued idle threats.

Don't end your marriage because you seek happiness false where, end your marriage because it's not meeting your needs. Everything else should come way down the line.

Fearless91 Thu 09-Jul-15 20:38:00

Hold on - you say you disagree with porn and would divorce your H if you caught him watching it again but here you are having feelings for someone else? hmm shouldn't it be your H threatening to divorce you?!

Fair enough you disagree with porn - that's fine. Everyone is different.

You say you aren't sleeping with your H - why not? I think you both need to communicate.

But honestly, if you don't want to sleep with your H for whatever reason I don't think you can complain when he turns to porn...

And I especially don't think you can moan about him watching porn when you're falling for somebody else! (and when you don't have sex with him)

Sighing Thu 09-Jul-15 20:38:33

Has your DH looked for some of the modern 'ethical' porn where wages are fair, consent is key?
You cannot lay all blame with your DH for your collapsed marriage & trust. You don't match on values which you knew prior to your engagement. Not a deal breaker for him but one you've kept as an ace up your sleeve?
If you can't deal with the porn you need to leave for that reason.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Thu 09-Jul-15 20:40:27

AF grin

Yes, men have to have porn or they explode because they have sexual desire even though porn wasn't really available to the masses pre-modernity . Women don't have sexual desire in the same way so they somehow manage not to spontaneously combust.

Or maybe, some men and women like porn, some men and women don't like porn, some men and women regardless of preference don't use porn due to their issues with its making.

Phew!

But in response to the op, leave him. You're not happy, you don't trust him. Once trust is gone the relationship is over. You're not compatible. I wouldn't be with a man who watched porn. That's my line in the sand. It's ok to decide that. Find someone who thinks the same way, or enjoy being single without that worry.

WhySoAngry Thu 09-Jul-15 20:48:43

Men. Watch. Porn. Not all. But most. Men. Lie. Not all. But most.

When you give a man who likes porn an ultimatum he won't stop watching it.
He'll just try harder not to get caught.

Your DH will continue watching porn, OP, and you can either accept that or move on - in the hope of finding one of the few men who don't enjoy porn.

Sleepsoftly Thu 09-Jul-15 20:50:34

There's something not right about this OP. It feels contrived.

AnyFucker Thu 09-Jul-15 20:57:51

no....shooly not ?

DorisDazzler Thu 09-Jul-15 21:00:36

There's been 2 incidents of porn viewing in your entire time together. If the porn was that big of a problem you would have left the second time. You say three years on and so far so good. It now seems to be justification for you to indulge your feelings for someone else. If your certain he feels the same way then something HAS happened despite your statement that it hasn't.

Trade in the man who's watched porn twice for the letch sniffing around a married women. That will solve your trust problems.

Lagoonablue Thu 09-Jul-15 21:03:07

Porn has so much to answer for! So many threads on MN about it. I don't like it. Î think DH has watched it but not recently. It's not a deal breaker but don't want that stuff on the computer my kids do their homework on!

I think though that men just like it. Would say all the single men I know use it because they can. The ones in relationships use it less but just because their partners don't like it.

It is a messy business.

Offred Fri 10-Jul-15 03:45:51

Ok so the first time you caught him watching porn you became aware that he was someone who watches porn. You said if you would leave him if it happened again then got engaged and married, caught him again and then said again if it happened again you would divorce him?

There is nothing at all crazy about being strongly against porn but really you just handled this whole things badly. He is someone who likes porn, that is who he is. You very strongly disagree with porn - you just can't keep throwing ultimatums at him and then not carrying them out.

You should have talked it over and explained your feelings, listened to his and then decided whether you wanted to continue the relationship the first time it happened.

It's not surprising it has come to this point now really.

textfan Fri 10-Jul-15 03:54:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychain01 Fri 10-Jul-15 04:11:21

I struggle with the Most men watch porn generalisation because it is just that, a generalisation. Impossible to validate so unhelpful.

The point is that your DH does habitually watch porn and it affects your life together. If it were me he would never have got past 1st base even if everything else about him was great. That's my deal breaker. But you did so you " cant take the milk out of the cappuccino" But you can change the next stage of your life by not compromising on your hate of porn and taking steps to split with him.

The other bloke you have picked up on is a distraction. Don't change your life for someone else, change it for you, because you want to live without the compromise of catching your DH at his computer staring at someone else's tits when he should be in bed with you.

dangerrabbit Fri 10-Jul-15 04:18:05

Welcome to MN, OP.

Seriouslyffs Fri 10-Jul-15 04:33:06

Well, that last paragraph was a surprise.

HidingFromDD Fri 10-Jul-15 06:44:00

You're following the script...

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