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Pregnant - Relationship Panic!

(6 Posts)
mumtobbk Thu 09-Jul-15 14:27:11

Hello, and thank you so much for reading through this. I’m feeling pretty desperate and like I could break out into a panic attack at any second. I feel like the only cure now is for me to leave and escape to a secluded place in America (my freedom/ escape place), a place with a pool, TV, Internet and nothing else. Just get away/ talk and speak to no one, just lie in the sun and relax – JUST ME.

Anyway, now I’ve got that out of my system, I have to apologise for the length of this message in advance but I think its necessary to include all the details...

I’m 5 weeks pregnant and engaged and seriously panicking. My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years, been engaged once, broken up, got back together, got engaged again and got pregnant.

When I met him three years ago – his mum was in her first year of being diagnosed with motor neurone disease. His father died of heart failure when he was 9 so this would leave him with no parents when his mum passed. Despite his mum dying slowly with this most awful disease he was also in his last years of medical exams – just to add to everything he was already going through.

When we met we were totally in love and besotted. I was very aware that he was going through the toughest time of his life which I think made a struggle on things a little – I felt like I was treading on eggshells a lot of the time and we were both very agreeable to what the other one wanted to do – very polite, but I was crazy about him and just wanted to keep him happy and not upset him in anyway.

Then we moved in together and got a puppy and things started going downhill – I felt overwhelmed and trapped. I was a little quiet one morning (I’m quite an introvert person and and think quietly a lot of the time) but this gave him high anxiety – and no matter how many times I assured him I was fine he kept asking if I was ok and started following me around the flat. At this point I think I should explain that need my space – or I start feeling very trapped. It’s just how I am and my whole family are aware of this.

He attached himself more and more to me as things got worse with his mum-he wanted to do absolutely everything together and if I were every quiet he would repeatedly ask me what’s wrong. I think at this time I began feeling smothered and trapped. We started arguing – I think it all built up in me that I had to stay ‘fine’ all the time, checking how he was, I could never tell him I needed space because he took everything so personally. Things began really irritating me – I work from home and he was studying a lot so would stay at home with me and work next to me and talk a lot which drove me crazy but I would never say anything because I knew it would hurt his feelings.

Later on that year we got engaged on New Years Eve. I said yes immediately as it was all I wanted the whole year but as soon as he asked I felt to panicked and unsure. Then later in the year I went away on a filming trip to film some homeless youths. Something nearly happened with one of the people I was filming, nothing did but at the time I wanted it to.

I got home and was so mixed up and depressed/ guilty that something had almost happened and just mixed up about everything that was going on. At the same time I needed to go back and film for the project – knowing that other guy would be there. My boyfriend sensed I was quiet and unhappy and broke up with me and moved out. I pleaded with him for months after to get back with me. I didn’t care about filming or the project anymore. I just wanted him back. I pleaded with him to tell me if there was any chance of us getting back together in the future and he said no. The next week I left for the states to film for 2 months. I ended up having a short thing with the guy I was filming with. I think it kept me sane travelling homeless on the road for 2 months with these kids and making a documentary. I was so messed up about the whole thing.

2 months after I got home, my ex and I were back together. His mum passed away six months later. It was an awful, slow painful death and we were with her through the whole thing. Now I just wanted to help Sam get through it and his exams – things were still tricky between us, I got sick and had no sympathy from him which I found v tricky as I had scarified the last 2 years to looking after him. All I thought was I have to get him through his exams, I have to get him through his exams.

He got through and passed with flying colours – thankgod!!! We had three weeks before he left for his 2 months electives – we had the most amazing time together – all our arguments went – we were totally relaxed with each other – romantic and laughing, playing about all the time. He left for his electives and he started messaging me about a question he had to ask me when he got home. I was so excited! Then while he was away we both decided we were both ready to have a baby. Its something we had always talked about and now we both felt ready. After discussing it with him, my mum and sister I had the coil taken and a month after he came home I was pregnant!

I’m now 5 weeks pregnant and all over the place again. We were ecstatic when we found out and I’ve already been buying baby clothes (bad I know this early). He has some time off until he starts his first doctors year and so has nothing to do but hanging around constantly. I work from home so find it really tricky to concentrate with him here and then just start feeling suffocated again. Then I start panicking – what if this is wrong? – what if I were with someone else who would be better suited? I wouldn't have this anxiety with – who could be more this/ more that? And then I start thinking maybe I’m panicking because I feel so guilty that something happened with someone else when we were broken up and I’m keeping it from him.

I think about telling him all the time but he is still so fragile about his mum. I’m also panicked that if I do tell him, things will be over and I could have lost the love of my life? I just want to do the right thing – at the moment my head is spinning and I have no idea what to do – he keeps asking me what’s wrong and I just tell him I'm totally fine and that its just hormones and that I'm an emotional girl – and I just smile and we kiss. When slowly I’m starting to feel smothered again.

Please help. I know this is such a long post – but there’s a lot in this story and just feel like its important to include everything. I’m sure some things in here make me sound so selfish and I feel so guilty about everything but I've read some great advice on here before so thought it was a good place to come to for anonymous help. Thankyou in advance for any feedback.

joopy79 Thu 09-Jul-15 19:19:02

I'm an introvert too so I understand about being smothered!
Is the fact that he's not working making things more difficult for you? I can imagine that if you're trying to work and he's hanging around it would be fairly annoying. How long is it until he starts working? Could you take some time off so you can have some quality time together and he isn't distracting you for work? Or could you encourage him to go out and see his friends or visit faraway relatives things that once he's working he won't be able to do. Is he bored? Maybe you could suggest some household jobs to do while you work.

Don't feel guilty for anything that happened when you weren't together.

Peckhamplex Thu 09-Jul-15 19:49:00

I recommend counselling. It sounds like you've both been through a lot over the last few years and it could help you process it and get some perspective.

Also, he sounds quite clingy. It might help if you calmly, in a warm way, set some boundaries. If need be could you work out of home?

mumtobbk Thu 09-Jul-15 19:52:51

Hey Joopy

Thanks so much for your response. You have no idea how much it helps to get some friendly outside advice.

It's a month until he starts and I might be going away for two weeks. I don't know what's wrong with me I just can't stop freaking out and I feel like I'm being dishonest with him. I just need to find a way to deal with the panic and get over what happened in the past.. I'm even thinking about hypnotherapy!! Xx

Offred Fri 10-Jul-15 05:16:53

Why not go for a holiday in America by yourself?

I'm an introvert too and need to withdraw/feel suffocated by the company of people I love if they are too clingy/around too much.

The last few years have been an absolute roller coaster and will obviously have taken their toll. You both wanted the baby, you are both committed to the baby so while things might have been up and down in your relationship that is at least one good sign.

Does he understand about your need for space and that it isn't personal? How would he feel about you having the trip you described to the states to lounge by the pool?

mumtobbk Fri 10-Jul-15 17:26:00

I think he does understand my need for space but I worry it still secretly makes him feel insecure. Yes I might just do that- I think a break will be good. Thanks so much for your response. I'm hoping things will work themselves out..???? Xx

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