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I'm the most horrible person in the world but I'm hurting

(95 Posts)
ImAnAwfulAwfulperson Thu 09-Jul-15 12:27:55

Deep Breath

I know I'm in for a flaming and so be it. I deserve it.

A little while back I met a guy. We clicked, shared the same tastes in things etc. He told me he was single. We had the same sexual fantasies (not mainstream) and at the beginning a lot of it was sex talk. We live a fair distance from each other, so it was conducted via text with photos and videos swapped.

After we'd been chatting for about a month, he confessed to me that he was falling for me. There was just one thing, and that was that his ex wasn't actually his ex and he was married.

By this point I had fallen for him. I know it was wrong. I knew then that it was wrong. He told me he hadn't had any sexual contact with his wife for a long time, aside from when they were TTC. I believe this to be true, as he spent so much time talking to me that it would leave very little window. I was gobsmacked and didn't really know how to respond. We had well and truly fallen for each other by this point and had plans to meet up already. He said he couldn't meet up with me without being honest.

So we met up. The chemistry was unreal, the sex was incredible. I’m a horrible sort of person because although I always felt guilty, I could always manage to compartmentalise it and shut it out. We spoke about our partners in nothing but high regard, and both firmly said that neither of us wanted to leave our partners, we were both looking for sexual fulfilment. I think because of the amount of time we spent talking, feelings grew and we did say we loved each other. He was so attentive, loving and affectionate and I become to crave it. He told me I was beautiful, which I have never experienced before.

We met up a few times, but most of it was done by phone.

A few days ago his wife found his phone and read the messages.

I feel sick to my stomach over how stupid we’ve been and the hurt I’ve caused his wife. I wish I could take it all back and make it all right. I never wanted him to lose his family and really hope that he manages to make ammends with his wife, and perhaps work on the issues that were there.

Very selfishly of me I know, but it is killing me that we never got the chance to say goodbye. He’s been a huge part of my life for a while, and we formed a great friendship too. I wish we had formed the friendship first and kept to that. I have never been through a break up before, and I miss him. I know I have no right to feel the way I do. I’m just so sorry for what has happened and trying to tell myself that its right we don’t speak again. But its hard. Sorry for being such a cunt.

KinkyAfro Thu 09-Jul-15 12:31:19

Ah bless, think about how you feel and multiply that by about a million, you will then know how his wife feels.

I have no sympathy I'm afraid.

NerrSnerr Thu 09-Jul-15 12:33:34

You must have known this could have happened? It wasn't clear, do you have a partner? Does he deserve to know the truth- especially as he may want to be tested for stds.

KatieScarlettreregged Thu 09-Jul-15 12:33:54

How does your partner feel about your cheating?

Heels99 Thu 09-Jul-15 12:34:23


GinUpGirl Thu 09-Jul-15 12:34:39

No sympathy here either. You're an adult, not some lovedrunk 16 year old. You have self control.

desertgirl Thu 09-Jul-15 12:35:13

kinky, you don't know how the wife feels unless you are the wife.

OP, I'm sorry - it will pass. You mention your own partner though - what was your relationship like before you got into this one? what would happen if your partner found out? would he/she also be devastated?

ImAnAwfulAwfulperson Thu 09-Jul-15 12:36:59

Yes I have a partner. We always used protection. Married guy has only ever had long term partners before.

Things with my partner are a little complicated. We have an open relationship, but I have crossed boundaries here. I absolutely don't want to tell him. I feel I have had my eyes opened to how wonderful he is and want to make our relationship stronger. I know there's a lot of people who will say he has the right to know, but I don't want to cause him that pain.

bleedingheart Thu 09-Jul-15 12:37:30

It is right you don't speak again. What would be said? If he wanted to be with you he would be, he wanted the 'non-mainstream' sex and to keep his wife.

End your relationship unless your partner is happy with you trawling the net for a shag.

How did you think this would end? Someone would find out or he'd move on to the next person.

They were TTC and you were happy to still sleep with him? I hope you used condoms.

If you were craving some affection and being told you are beautiful this is a messed up way to get it.

ImAnAwfulAwfulperson Thu 09-Jul-15 12:38:06

My own relationship was good. We were perhaps stuck in a bit of a rut, as happens when you've been together a long time I think, taking each other for granted maybe. But we've always been best friends.

mynewpassion Thu 09-Jul-15 12:38:48

I'm not the wife but have read a few cheating husband threads by wives and their emotions is a million times worse than what the OP'S feeling.

so,yeah, you are a horrible person as long with the cheating husband. No sympathies from me either.

Epilepsyhelp Thu 09-Jul-15 12:40:00

You don't even mention your partner til gone half way through your OP!!

Other issues aside I would suggest that you no longer love nor care for your partner and you need to leave him, for both your sakes. You will then be free to move on with someone who isn't risking the health and happiness of his family.

KinkyAfro Thu 09-Jul-15 12:40:02

desertgirl well I'm guessing she's not over the moon about finding out her husband has been shagging someone else. What a stupid post

bleedingheart Thu 09-Jul-15 12:41:07


'Long term partners' means nothing though if he's cheating on them with others on the side!

nequidnimis Thu 09-Jul-15 12:42:47

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MishMooshAndMogwai Thu 09-Jul-15 12:43:07

You will get a horrible time on here and yes, you do probably deserve it BUT it doesn't stop your hurt.

You've both messed up and you're both going to have to face the consequences but it's going to be very very hard and you'll have to grieve for your relationship with this man.

You knew what you were getting into though and as lovely it is to fulfil a fantasy and hear all those lovely things he said which you are obviously lacking in your own relationship you have both caused a lot of hurt.

Look at your own relationship and your own life, forget this man and try and fill the gap he has left in your life.

ImAnAwfulAwfulperson Thu 09-Jul-15 12:48:25

Firstly I'm not looking for sympathy.

Secondly I didn't mention my partner because he doesn't know. My concern is with how hurt married guy's wife is.

It has been some time since they were TTC. Probably a fair few years. But yes we used protection.

He has had a handful of sexual partners, all have been long term relationships. I have no reason to doubt that what he said is true as once he confessed to being married he was very very open and honest about his life. He shared things with me that put him in a very vulnerable position potentially.

I deeply love my partner. We do like to have sex with other people, always safely. He was fully aware I was having sex talk with other people. I naively thought we would meet for sex occasionally and part ways at some point without anybody finding out. I'm aware of how big an idiot that makes me.

No his wife is obviously very far from being over the moon.

PeppermintPasty Thu 09-Jul-15 12:49:38

If this is real, there was very little point in posting that self-serving bullshit on here.

tasha24x Thu 09-Jul-15 12:51:05

I think people need give you a bit of a breal. What you both did was wrong but I know from my own expierence (no sex involved) but at the time your in your own bubble & literally think about yourself. I ended up telling my partner & believe I did the right think telling him. He has completely forgiven me but I haven't forgiven myself. I never will either but I hope in time (maybe years) that I will. You will only learn from it..I have. You must always remember that the grass isn't greener & you will feel guilt for what pain you have caused but in time it will ease. X

DorisDazzler Thu 09-Jul-15 12:51:58

If his wife has evidence she might well send it to your partner. I did.

ImAnAwfulAwfulperson Thu 09-Jul-15 12:52:29

It is sadly very real.

As I said, I am truly very sorry for the hurt I've caused and I am mortified by how easily I got caught up in it all now. But I am struggling with not having been able to say goodbye and get closure. And I know I have no right. I also know my pain will fade a lot quicker than his wife's.

ImAnAwfulAwfulperson Thu 09-Jul-15 12:54:12

We were both completely in our little bubble. Our daily routines were set to allow time to talk to each other. Its fucking ridiculous really.

Doris I don't think that will happen, but if it does then I will face it.

NerrSnerr Thu 09-Jul-15 12:54:12

If you're in an open relationship with your partner and he's your best friend then why not be honest with him? I think of my husband as my best friend, that's why I don't fuck men behind his back because why would I hurt my best friend?

tribpot Thu 09-Jul-15 12:55:31

Surely the only way an open relationship can work is with complete honesty? (True of all relationships but even more so when the boundaries of what is acceptable are less clearly defined than in traditional relationships). Why are you wasting time on your own feelings when you need to face up to your responsibility to your partner?

Personally I think you should end things with your partner, as you clearly don't love him enough to stick to your agreement. He should be allowed to find someone who will respect him more.

So what now? You want to say goodbye? Write the letter but don't send it, not if you truly want him to have a chance to repair things with his poor wife. Perhaps one day the time would be right. Now you need to work out how to move on, to repair the damage you have done.

dollydaydreamers Thu 09-Jul-15 12:56:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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