How to confront

[Deirdresmum]

Long time member but NC for this as don't want to out myself.
If you know something is wrong, but the method by which you know it is wrong is also wrong then what to do?

If you have snooped on your boyfriend or girlfriend and found evidence of something you don't like - something inappropriate - how do you confront them without admitting what you did?


I know it's wrong and I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been suspicious.

Turns out I was right though.

I want to have it out but don't want to admit what I did. I am a coward.

Is there a way to confront in these circumstances without losing face?

[Hassled]

Well there's no way to confront without admitting snooping, but I don't see that as losing face. Not if what you discovered was a greater sin than the snooping. If I'd sneaked a look through DH's private emails it would be bad and wrong, but if what I found was evidence of an affair, say, then that would be way more bad and wrong. I'd be exonerated. So don't let the fact you snooped cloud the issue.

[Deirdresmum]

I'm scared of getting into trouble if I admit to snooping.

I know it is wrong and I suppose it serves me right for doing it.

Now left with knowing what I know and having to come clean or stay silent.

Neither of which I want to do.

What a mess.

I wish someone else would have told me what I know then I could confront without incriminating myself.

[NaiceNickname]

Do not worry about admitting that you snooped. You did it for a reason, and it turns out it was a valid reason. Whatever he has done is much worse than you snooping, do not let him turn the tables on you, he has no moral high ground here.

Get proof before you confront of what you have seen can easily be deleted. Screenshot, take pictures.

Sorry

[CantAffordtoLive]

If what you found is a certainty and if it is a deal breaker, why just not say that you don't feel his heart is in the relationship and it is no longer working for you and end it?

No excuses and pleading from him, no drama. Just finish it.

[PeppermintPasty]

What do you mean exactly by 'getting into trouble'? How is the other person going to react? Are you safe?

[GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt]

I second what CantAffordtoLive says. Just finish with them and walk away.

[Deirdresmum]

Yes cantaffordtolive I think I would do that if I was younger and no dc.

Scared of repercussions tbh.

I have screen shot what I saw.

Just don't know what to do now.

[TheStoic]

I agree with CantAffordToLive.

What is the aim of confronting him? To have him admit it, apologise, and stop doing it immediately?

[Mimigolightly]

Now you know what you know, is there any way you can get more proof - without snooping - so you don't have to own up to how you originally found out, IYSWIM?

i.e you've found out that they meet regularly at a bar and just so happen to meet a friend there on the day that they go?

[Joysmum]

I know there's a big movement on mumsnet against snooping but I don't agree with it.

I've snooped in the past and that's served to put my mind at rest and shown me I can risk trusting again.

Your snooping had the opposite affect, as so many people find.

You don't need to admit to snooping and having evidence to end a relationship. A perfectly valid reason to finish something is if you aren't happy, no further justification needed.

[Deirdresmum]

I don't know if it's still ongoing.

I had thought something was going on some time ago, asked him and he denied.

Now read some chats and seen pics which prove otherwise so I was right back then.

[Optimist1]

The snooping was validated by what you found, OP.

I quite like the approach sometimes advocated here of saying "I know you are (whatever he's up to) - what have you got to say about it?" or "I know what you've been doing - what have you got to say about it?" or even "Have you got something to tell me?" . It gives the culprit less wriggle-room and demonstrates to you how they regard you/your relationship.

You do need to think about what you want to do about things, though. Are there any circumstances in which you'd forgive him? Think it through before the shit hits the fan. And may the strength of MN accompany you!

[butterflygirl15]

who cares that you snooped - that is not the issue here is it?

All you need to do now is tell them you know and they need to leave surely?

[ImperialBlether]

I agree - you can just say "I know X and Y." Watch him scrabble around in his mind for ways you could know it. If it's a physical affair he won't know whether he's been seen, whether his gf has called you or what.

What do you want to come out of this now?

[Deirdresmum]

I want him to explain his actions and why he lied to me.

I am not sure if I would forgive, would be tempted, as pathetic as that sounds.

It would depend on his answers and attitude.

If he was contrite and begging forgiveness maybe.

Feeble excuses and blaming others then no.

[ImperialBlether]

What was it you saw? Was it a reference to meeting up? Was the woman someone local or is it an online thing? Could you tell how long it had been going on?

[Deirdresmum]

Local.

From what I could see no actual sex has taken place, just ltalking about it
Seems to have stopped but has it? They could be using another method to chat now.

Also pics and reference to webcams but again some time ago.

[mistymeanour]

You could say something along the lines of "I was thinking about x that we talked about a few months ago. I think we are still not on track, where are you with x now? If he denies it you could say I don't believe you, I suspect x,y,z. If he outright lies then you can call him on it.

[ImperialBlether]

I don't really believe that in most cases sex doesn't take place. If something's been going on for a while, it's inevitable that it will have. I'm not saying this to upset you, just this is my experience.

Is this a woman you know, OP?

[worserevived]

You tell him you know about x. Then say nothing. Silence is your weapon.

[dreamingofblueskies]

I 'snooped' and found out something was going on, and TBH it didn't cross my mind to think how he'd react to my snooping, I was too fucking angry with him for what he'd done.

If he'd had a go at me for looking where I shouldn't after I'd told him what I'd found I think I would be in prison for GBH right now.

Tell him, I think his reaction to your snooping will tell you all you need to know about whether you can ever give your relationship another go. If he's angry with you then you've got your answer, he's even more of a shit than you think now and it's time to give him the heave-ho.

[BinToHellAndBack]

In my experience, people that get caught out when snooped on tend to feign anger. In reality they know full well that what you did was understandable because after all they were doing something 'snoopworthy'.

The anger and incredulity at what you did is all about deflecting the situation away from their own outrageous behaviour (and embarassment/humiliation), nothing more.

[BinToHellAndBack]

Oops, therefore I wouldn't worry about coming about the snooping. It pales into insignificance in the face of his cheating, and he knows it.

[BinToHellAndBack]

Coming CLEAN even

[Deirdresmum]

I would like to come away from this looking like I have done nothing wrong.
I know I have let myself down with snooping and do feel ashamed.,

What he has been doing is deceitful but not a matter of law.

Can they report you to the police for snooping?