Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Harassment by stbxh - can I call the police?

(15 Posts)
Darcey2105 Wed 08-Jul-15 23:22:51

I've been trying to divorce stbxh for the last few months and its going very slowly. He's been arrested for domestic violence twice, but both times was let off. And he mega talked the female police officers round, and she recommended to me - we just need some relationship counselling!

Things are getting worse and I'm sure he's learned his lesson for the time being to keep his distance, but he's doing crazy financial control. He's keeping his money out of the joint account (I'm not working at the moment) and he's refusing to pay the nursery bill, (2 mornings a week) meaning I won't even be able to look for work as I won't have any childcare.

But what is getting to me the most is the harassment. He is in my face constantly from 6pm till midnight, threatening and belittling me. Tonight I went into the bathroom at 10pm to have a bath, and he kept up his diatribe outside the door for a whole hour and was waiting for me when I got out.

It is psychological torture, as I am still breast feeding my baby, so I only get snatches of downtime before the baby wakes up. And he was deliberately ruining it for me.

I had my phone on me and I wondered if I should have texted my friend to call 101 and report harassment? I am flagged by the police as high-alert and last time they arrived within seconds. Anyway I chickened out, but I wondered if that is something that would be reasonable to do?

I'm going to phone women's aid tomorrow to talk about it in any case sad

Aussiebean Wed 08-Jul-15 23:36:15

Of course it is reasonable to not be harassed by anyone.

Call the police and protect yourself. You deserve to feel safe, both mentally and physically.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 08-Jul-15 23:43:43

Is he still living the same house as you?

Any time he threatens you is time to call the police, but I can't understand why you're high alert if he hasn't been told to keep his distance.

Were you given the opportunity to press charges on the 2 occasions he was arrested for dv?

If you encounter the female police officer again, tell her that she should be aware that couples counselling is not recommended where one of the parties/spouses is violent.

If he is still living in the same house as you, talk to WA tomorrow about obtaining an occupation order to keep him out. '

Phoenix0x0 Thu 09-Jul-15 07:07:29

Call womens aid. Now.

I would also call the police and would do anytime he does this.

If you called the police before and he was not arrested, then I can only assume that he thinks that he is untouchable.....

Jux Thu 09-Jul-15 19:28:24

Can you record him when he's doing it? It will help your case. Keep notes, date, time he started time he stopped, what you were trying to do, etc. and yes, do call.

Skiptonlass Thu 09-Jul-15 19:32:28

Yes. Not only can, but you should. Every time.

RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion Thu 09-Jul-15 19:45:58

There are a lot of women on here who have been to hell and back with DV so in no way would I want to undermine or insult them. I want to make that clear.

But if I had a very young baby I wouldn't for one second remain in a situation where DV was taking place. Do you you have family that you could stay with?

People will argue that you must stay in the house to 'protect' the asset but tbh I think personal safety is much more important.

If its bad enough to call the police twice you and your child shouldn't be there.

CantAffordtoLive Thu 09-Jul-15 21:40:16

Record him! The police won't argue once you can provide solid evidence of his abuse.

My ex was charm personified. They were sure we were both as bad as each other, until they heard him as recorded on my phone.

Hissy Fri 10-Jul-15 08:04:30

I'd report the police officer for her ridiculous comment about counselling too! She's had training ffs, call the police on 101 tomorrow and ask for dv team.

Call woman's aid and ask for help, go to the gp and report the dv, and talk to your midwife.

This will help protect you in the future.

Hissy Fri 10-Jul-15 08:05:14

And yes to recording him AND calling police for abuse. It's emotional abuse and they have to act.

RandomMess Fri 10-Jul-15 08:07:26

I wonder if it would be grounds to get an occupation order? Have you got a solicitor?

StrawberryMojito Fri 10-Jul-15 08:19:30

Yes call the police re harassment. The call is recorded so if he is at your door abusing you, the call is used as evidence. You can also report the harassment after it happens if you want to.

Without knowing the circumstances I'm not sure why no action was taken previously but if this is ongoing, you need to start documenting any incidents.

Call women's aid, they will provide you with plenty of advice. Also call the National Centre for Domestic Violence (ncdv), you can get a restraining order and if you are not in work I think it is free.

There is plenty of help out there, you need to use it.

Jux Sat 11-Jul-15 11:40:44

How's it going Darcey? Did your talk with WA help you?

Darcey2105 Sat 11-Jul-15 13:14:50

Thanks all, I think I've missed the moment now. I was so drained the next day I didn't do anything. Last time I phoned the police a day late they gave me a hard time for not reporting the incident immediately.

I will phone my women's aid supporter on Monday to talk about it.

When he is threatening me he is saying 'I'm going to cancel the nursery' not 'I'm going to beat you up'

So I just imagine when the police come he will calmly explain that we have run out of money and can't afford childcare if I'm not working. Then I'll try and explain the consequences of cancelling nursery, and it will just sound like a petty argument.

I did try to record him on my phone but the bloody thing had run out of storage. And I couldn't fix it by managing settings.

H is away at moment, but when he comes back the divorce petition is waiting for him. If he causes trouble I'll know I can call 101 then

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 11-Jul-15 13:23:40

You need to make some contingency plans for yourself. He is withholding money at the moment and probably will continue to do so. You cannot be sure he will pay any maintenance etc for DCs. You need to figure out plan B and Plan C if for example he does stop paying the nursery fees.

If you are still living in the same house, I think one for your should move out. This will also make it easier for you tomclaim benefits to help pay for nursery etc.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: