Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Feeling a bit confused and emotional about status of relationship(34 Posts)
Firstly, sorry to all those who have read my
deep posts before, but I find it helps so much airing things on here and hearing people's opinions
Basically, I've been with my DP for about a year and a half. At first, I just thought it was all too good to be true, I didn't feel good enough for him and was constantly scared he was just playing me. I've finally got over this (well, it's nowhere near as angsty as what it was) and I'm really enjoying the relationship. It's developed to another level. We tell each other we love each other all the time and I just love being with him. There are a couple of things though that I'm not sure about. I was in a 10 year relationship before that and a marriage/LTR before that. I'm late 30's and feel I don't really know how new-ish relationships should be!
We don't live together - nor has this even been discussed. I have held back from mentioning it as I don't want to change the dynamic of the relationship, putting myself in a place of being the one to be constantly wanting more, move to the next stage. I keep waiting for him to move things on and so far, this has worked - although it's driven me a little crazy haha
Also, when we're not together, sometimes I hear from him via text or phone numerous times a day. Other days (like today), I have had a morning text from him which I think he feels is almost obligatory - and a response to a lunchtime text from me - but that's it. I haven't contacted him, again, because I don't want him to think I'm sitting here wondering what he's doing, is he thinking about me, does he miss me, is he going to contact me. Is that really stupid? How often DO people text and do you leave the other one alone if they're just not contacting? Do people get on days and off days? Or is he blowing hot and cold emotionally himself and if so, should I give him space?
I love him to pieces, but he's been through a couple of heavy relationships where I think the woman was quite demanding and pushy for ongoing commitment and don't want him to make him feel that that's what I'm doing too.
Basically, I know it's stupid to not be able to be myself - but at the same time, I don't want to scare him away
I sound so immature I know, I just don't know what's normal!
I don't see any reason for couples to keep in touch during the day every day unless there are specific reasons.
In any case, it depends on what he's up to. Sometimes I have an easy day and can be in contact, sometimes I'm very busy and wouldn't cross my mind to think about how someone else, an adult was doing in their normal day.
I don't think there's any normsl TBH, some people do touch base all day, others don't. DH and I rarely speak/text during the day and never have done really. But I've worked with people who do. I do think you need to take your cue from the other person though, not just in relationships but with friends snd colleagues too, if they don't reply then leave it unless there is something you really need an answer to. I'd find extreme variation in levels of contact worrying though, unless there was a workbased explanation such as days with or without clients.
Lweji - If I look back at other relationships, I wouldn't either - after years of being with someone anyway. We talk about our days and what we've got on most nights and there was nothing out of the ordinary on for him today or tonight. He worked from home, probably tidied the house a bit, maybe played on the playstation and perhaps a drink at the pub
WhoKnows Yeah I know, everyone is different. Re the varied contact - I'm not sure if I should mention it.. perhaps he doesn't even realise he's doing it and there's nothing to worry about - or should I ask if something is up
And - should I bring up about moving in together... or keep waiting for him to make the next move! I'm rubbish at dropping hints
I left a 14 yr marriage 4 yrs ago.
I've been with new bf for 10months. At first, we got into a real rhythm with daily contact, then one day be didn't contact me during the day and I got all insecure and angry. Which was stupid because bf had simply had a hectic day. Same goes
for me: sometimes I can chat when I'm at work, sometimes not, or sometimes I'm on a day off but just very busy meeting friends etc. and can't talk.
I think it's best to give each other room to, you know, have an interesting, genuine and varied life. Otherwise things can get 'stale' and dull and you can stop genuinely listening to each other.
I now go with the flow, because I totally trust that this guy has my best interest at heart at all time and respects that my days aren't always the same and is always, always, looking forward to checking in. Plus if we haven't chatted during the day then there's more to catch up on, later! Sometimes people have craps days when work stress is horrendous!
I am reading between the lines if your post that you feel insecure in this relationship. You want to say and do things but you stop yourself.
I think this is a sign that moving in would be waaaaaaay too premature.
Why not relax and just enjoy things and see if the insecurity turns into trust? Because trust is pretty fundamental. I thought I had it in my marriage but the trust I have with new BF is totally different than I've ever experienced. It is worth waiting for!
Typos-galore including left my marriage 2 years ago.
It's nice to hear your story and gives me a bit of a reality check. I do tend to get all worried quite quickly and easily, but it's never founded to be for any real reason
He called earlier and turns out he had been fixing up two mountain bikes for us to go out cycling together at the weekend.. he even facetimed and showed me his work. Then I said I was a bit bored tonight and he stayed on the phone to me being silly and chatting for about 2 hours! I feel really bad now for doubting him. He's never ever cancelled plans or not shown that he puts me first. I do get insecure, but don't show him that which I guess makes me feel a bit alone with my thoughts
Things have come on so well so far.. a little slowly, but definitely steadily and my paranoid thoughts are diminishing but you're right.. still not quite there yet so yes, premature. (Can't believe I'm saying that but I do know what you mean)
It's really hard sometimes with the truly nice guys because they just live their lives honestly and don't realise how shit men treat women. So he just assumes that if he hasn't called for a bit that you won't be bothered because you know he loves you. He has no idea that not calling for a day in jerk language means it's over and he never wants to see you again.
Good men need to be judged differently to the bad guys. You'll only tie yourself in knots trying to read what isn't there.
In the nicest possible way,you sound like a bit of a nightmare.How about you spend less,much less,time thinking what he is or isn't doing,maybe go out with your own friendS,and then you won't even notice if he hasn't contacted you all day.You seem very needy and insecure,which can be extremely off putting for the other person in a relationship.You should work on building an exciting and varied life for yourself,that way even if everything doesn't work out (no reason why it won't though!) you will be strong and resilient.
If only you could have written that without sounding like a nightmare yourself....
Yes. How different would it have sounded with "How about you try...........?"
Someone who feels insecure is not a nightmare!
You don't sound a nightmare and the relationship sounds great! Try and relax and enjoy it!
I realise that Imurdered - if I wasn't feeling insecure, i wouldn't be on here reaching out to fellow people who may either be or have gone through the same feelings as me or just good people willing to lend an ear for 5 minutes. It's actually a nightmare feeling like this in the first place!
I do lead a busy and varied life as well. I run my own successful business, ride a motorbike and have two teenage DC's.
That doesn't stop me not being perfect, being anxious and just automatically feeling and thinking the best way.
OP I once worked with some girls who said they found the uncertainty of a new relationship exciting. I am like you and find it causes anxiety.
When you have been hurt in the past it can be hard to believe you have found someone kind and reliable.
Thanks you Lweji, Allofaflumble and Seriously - I'll try!
Exactly that Allofaflumble
My first serious relationship, which resulted in my two DD's, ended traumatically. I was very young, left myself completely wide open and got seriously hurt. I KNOW you shouldn't tar all men with the same brush but it does seem to have had an effect on me. Until now, I avoided going out with men who I felt were in any way better than me but that of course, meant I was never truly happy. I now have a chance to be but am pretty scared. It's getting better though - he hasn't really faltered or given me any reason to doubt his feelings. I guess I am probably wanting to push things faster than him just because I need to feel that reassurance and commitment, but probably for the wrong reasons. He doesn't know how I'm feeling about this...
Others have given some great advice here. I'd just say that, regarding living together, how big a step it is depends a lot on your circumstances. If it would mean one or both of you selling a house and there are dcs involved it is a far bigger deal than if one or both are renting and teenagers live away.
From what you have said he sounds like he does treat you well so perhaps put aside the idea of living together for now and enjoy the relationship as it is.
As a side note, I am erratic with contact. Some days instant some I won't even look at my phone. The only time I would make a conscious effort is very early in a relationship e.g first 4 months or so.
Enjoy your biking!
It's so weird... maybe he's just being normal - but I called him tonight instead of the other way round (which is more usual) and he sounded like he couldn't wait to get me off the phone and sounded distant and deflated
Can't work them out - now I feel all upset and confused again
Am I just being a Princess?!
Was he just in the middle of doing something? Or maybe the two hour chat last night left him without much to chat about? I guess he has ups and downs that aren't related to you and the relationship. For what it's worth I can understand the insecurity. Maybe just observe things a little as objectively as you can and give yourself a little breathing space.
No, he just said he was tired and had a hectic day. I get tired too but don't think I'm ever off or dismissive towards him as a result. Maybe I am and just don't realise though. Glad you understand the insecurity!! I feel a bit of a loner sometimes! I do try and do that and the majority of the time I'm fine.. I just get periods when I think it all builds up and just need to talk it out - just not with him :-(
Excited I totally understand how you feel. The analysis of it all is exhausting.
I dont know if a few sessions with a counsellor might help. Or a hypnotist?
I think in some way, we use the anxiety to try and control the situation. It is not conscious or deliberate (you are not a nightmare!). Its just your fears of abandonment. Hope this makes sense. If you want to chew it over, pm me.
It's not easy to figure out when to trust our instincts (and we should) and when it's our anxiety talking.
Some of us end up in abusive relationships for ignoring our instincts.
He will not be 100% all the time, there will be times when his mind is elsewhere, and times when it's for you to reach out if you need him.
But don't think that you have to totally shut down those instincts.
What Llewji says about the instinct or anxiety is spot on. I wasted a lot of time not following my instinct and ended up in abusive relationships. So it is not easy by any means.
Reaching out again to you all!!
Feel desperate. Have just enjoyed a lovely weekend with DP and dreading going home already because I won't see him again until next weekend
Desperately need to talk to him to see if I can get an idea of how he really feels about us so I don't have to go through another week of wondering. He tells me he loves me frequently, but it's the deeper conversation I want to have. I know it sounds crazy that I can't just talk to him. I never have been able to - I think I'm scared of being vulnerable and appearing needy and know he's not a great 'talker' either
Someone tell me what to say and how to say it!!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.