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Are there any Stately Homes Thread people on? I need hand-holding for a minute...

(21 Posts)
FortyCoats Wed 08-Jul-15 16:04:13

I decided NC just yesterday and blocked my mother from facebook (the only form of contact besides phone that we had) I had decided if she did ring I would ignore but she has just tried and I feel AWFUL for ignoring her.

I don't know what I want you to say...

I'm shaking.

CoolAs10Fonzies Wed 08-Jul-15 16:08:24

Not a stately homes person but I'll hang about until someone better comes along.

I expect you decided NC for a very good reason. Don't allow guilt to creep in and make you wobble.

Have a brew, switch your phone on silent


pocketsaviour Wed 08-Jul-15 16:12:09

I'm here. Hand holding flowers

How many times has she tried to ring?

I'll just pop over to SH and refresh myself on your situation and current thinking.

aginghippy Wed 08-Jul-15 16:12:12

I'll hold your hand Forty. You are doing the right thing, but it is not easy.

Loveheart0 Wed 08-Jul-15 16:15:38

Hi forty
It's difficult to get away from the guilt, I'm sorry. It feels like an adrenaline shot, I totally understand. As a short term fix can you unplug the phone/switch your mobile off so you can't hear it ring? Or take a walk for an hour or so leaving your phone at home. I find 'trapping' myself like this helps, where I can't contact them even if I wanted to.

You're doing the right thing for the right reasons. Protect yourself and your dd. Your mother's not randomly grasping in the dark not knowing what's going on. The answer is right in front of her if she just made herself consider your feelings, and the warning has been there for a long time.

Give yourself a time limit of eg an hour and a half. Have a read of some old stately homes threads, read the toxic parents book online, write a list of why you're doing this (examples of things she's said or done, happy times with your dd, damaging ways your mother can be) At the end of the ninety minutes, set yourself another goal - put on some music and make dinner etc. Just try to do a little chunk of the day at a time and try to stop it from going round and round your head.
One day at a time.

FortyCoats Wed 08-Jul-15 16:15:55

Thanks folks x

Three times in last few minutes. I didn't cut it off, just let it ring out. She tried DD's phone then but I had told her not to answer. I'm trying to put a brave face on so DD doesn't see me rattled.

Deep breaths

inlectorecumbit Wed 08-Jul-15 16:20:50

Can you block her number on DD's phone?

Stay strong you're doing well

FortyCoats Wed 08-Jul-15 16:22:08

DD wants me to drop her into town. I'll leave the phone at home and grab a coffee at the garage and take a spin to the beach for a while.

Thanks, sorry for the mini drama attack blush

FortyCoats Wed 08-Jul-15 16:23:19

DD has had a pal with her since yesterday so I don't want to block the number without having a proper conversation about the reasoning.

Should I just do it and tell her I'll explain later?

FortyCoats Wed 08-Jul-15 16:24:31

LH that middle paragraph - spot on! Thank you x

inlectorecumbit Wed 08-Jul-15 16:25:31

how old is DD?

You could either do it now and explain later --or ask her not to answer her phone if your M tries again.

Would your DD ant contact with her Dgran

Loveheart0 Wed 08-Jul-15 16:25:54

Sounds like you're doing so well smile

pocketsaviour Wed 08-Jul-15 16:31:41

I hope you're able to have a nice walk and forget about it for a while.

A long chat with DD is probably a good thing, she is 15 or so I think I remember you saying? She will be able to fully understand your reasoning, I think, especially as she has now experienced your M's nastiness herself.

Keep strong, the guilt does get better, I can promise flowers

Loveheart0 Wed 08-Jul-15 16:32:51

Didn't see your question. You know your dd better than us so just do what you think is best. I wouldn't explain while she has a friend here, I'd explain in a proper conversation about the way people should be treated/love etc. Just ask her not to answer today or block the number if you think it will bother her seeing the calls come in. Make sure she knows you don't have a phone with you and you'll be out of the house for a while while she's in town. That way if she does end up answering while she's out she can comfortably say 'I think mums out and hasn't got her phone with her' - she's not part of the argument so don't allow her to be engaged. You're doing all the right things.

Baddz Wed 08-Jul-15 16:34:24

The guilt is crippling.
My mum has started already ad I go away for a week on Saturday (she goes away the following Saturday but seems to have forgotten that!)
It's hard.
Just be strong.
Remember why you are doing this.

Lulioli Wed 08-Jul-15 16:55:33

Hi there! Been following your thread OP. Remember this was never gonna be easy but just because it's difficult don t mean to say it MUST be done. Mother will be furious, of course. She loves to be in charge and now she s not. When I went through this my therapist said simply HOLD YOUR NERVE. You gotta go through it but it will, over time, feel less uncomfortable. I'm holding your hand all the way ��

Lulioli Wed 08-Jul-15 16:57:19

Just realised all those negatives are not making grammatical sense. Sorry! It's hard but it's gotta be done. There!��

FortyCoats Wed 08-Jul-15 17:39:42

I had to come home. Look like an idiot out in public with a big red face so just sat in the car without the coffee and reminded myself why I'm doing it. Not easy but necessary.

Phone is off. I decided not to block her on DD's phone as I didn't have time to explain how I'd have liked so I told her not to answer and that I would explain tomorrow (she's gone on a sleepover now) She seemed perfectly happy so I didn't make a big issue out of it.

Dh told me she's tried ringing him also so she's determined to get me. I know what she wants. It's not to be horrible, it's to downplay what she did and jokingly say "ah come on now baby, sure ye now how I get sometimes. It's just because I love you all and I miss you and I feel upset when I think you don't want to talk to me". I'll cave and she'll win so I'm not even going to answer to try to hold her accountable because she becomes defensive then and says "well, I've made an effort but you're obviously intent on holding a grudge against me".

It's no win with her so I have to stick to my guns which is why I panicked and started this thread - I didn't think I had the resolve. Thanks for being there so quickly, hand-holding and advising x

I wasn't going to read the rest of the SH thread as I found it terribly upsetting reading some people's experiences but I need to read how others managed it without cracking under the guilt so I'll head back over to it.

Thanks again everyone smile

LazyLouLou Wed 08-Jul-15 17:58:54

Hold on to a "Quite Interesting" factoid: a behaviour becomes a habit when you do it 27 times.

Just 26 more times/days to go and you will no longer feel like this. Your face will no longer be red and you will stop running her voice through your head - you really should stop that too... I could hear her voice in your post!!

Keep posting but stop feeling you have to explain. As pp have said she knows, she really does know! She just doesn't like you having a backbone... so stand up straight and grit your teeth... lean on your DH for a while.

And whenever panic hits... POST someone will pick you up. Good luck smile

FortyCoats Wed 08-Jul-15 18:30:05

Thanks LLL smile

In the middle of reading a brilliant link on the SH thread. Has brought everything together and made sense of so much for me.

I actually know it's a 'thing' now and not my imagination or self-pity or disregard for others feelings (something she always tells me)

It's liberating. I want to keep reading but have to go to work.

Thanks again. Enjoy your evening smile

Phoenix0x0 Wed 08-Jul-15 19:12:13

Good post LLL

OP it does get better. The guilt can be hard especially those well meaning peopl who say....but she's your mum, but deep down you know it's the right thing to do.


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