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Relationships

Should I forget him?

73 replies

byalake · 08/07/2015 14:57

I met a man a few months ago and we ended up spending a couple of days together. He was really funny, really interesting and we just talked for the entire day and the entire night into the next day (nothing happenned at all!) and told each other about our pasts, our families, our hopes for the future and everything and I came away feeling really connected. He did try it on of course, but I was dating someone at the time and nothing happenned.

We both went home (we live 2.5 hours apart) and he started to phone and text me quite a lot. I split with BF and It transpired that he was just out of an LTR that he had ended because they had reached that point where it was "marry or leave" and he chose to leave. He's very honest, and he has told me that he loves this woman, but he is just not sure that he loves her enough for her to be the one he spends his life with. He feels like she is perfect on paper and that he has no reason to run from this commitment and it's tortured him a bit in terms of the guilt he feels for breaking her heart, and also the worry that there is something wrong with him to feel this way and that he is somehow not fit for relationships.

What came next was a lot of texting and phoning and some of the most deep, meaningful and interesting conversations of my life and I started to admire and respect this guy a heck of a lot. I feel actually like he's one of the few people I have ever met who completely understands me and how I see life and the world and he's so clever and honest and full of a desire to do the right thing by people.

There's a very strong attraction between us, and he carried on asking me out quite a lot, always teasing me about whoever I was dating at the time, asking why I didn't dump the stiff and go out with him instead and how we both knew we'd end up together eventually. He was pretty clear though that he felt he'd balked on marriage with this other woman and he was afraid he would do the same with the next girl and the next one too.

I explained to him that I didn't want to date him due to the timing and circumstances because it might be messy and that it was best for him to sort his life but that if we both still felt the same when he was completely over it, that we could re-visit the idea of "us".

During the past few months, I carried on dating other people, and he got back together briefly with this other woman. His words exactly in terms of her were that he was worried that if he let her go he'd not meet anyone better and that she was a good woman and loyal. I told him that sounded like the worst reason I'd ever heard to marry someone, but left him to it to explore his own head but he's definitely been a bit confused and messed up over it.

We both admitted openly that the connection and attraction we both felt was obviously something quite serious and he did say more than once that he felt a strange sense that I might be "the one". To be honest, I had nagging feelings on the same lines but I just felt if we dated when he was so confused and messed up over something else it would not give u a fair chance that we deserved.

Anyway, I told him yesterday that it's becoming more serious with a guy I am dating and that we were becoming exclusive and he joked around at first and then sent me a message that said:

"Honestly, he seems like a good guy and he has everything you deserve. you should give it your all because you deserve to be happy. This is me signing off until the day comes where you feel like the time might be right to be in touch with me. I really hope the best for you, because you are beautiful, super bright and really tuned in and I am really hoping that I hear from you again one day. What I am going to do now though is to delete your number, and I suggest you do the same. It's far too easy for us to continue messaging like this for all the wrong reasons and it's not fair to anyone. If you ever want to find me, you can contact me at (his address)."

I asked him what it was about and he said he felt that the attraction between us was very strong, and that we'd eventually see each other again, end up together, fall madly in love and that ultimately someone else would make me happier in the long term and he did not want to cause me pain like he did to this other woman.

I didn't really understand any of it.

I do know he's obviously not in a place for a relationship, but I hoped we could stay in each other's lives and maybe have a chance for the future because my gut is telling me that he and I are "it".

I don't really know what to do. He has left me this address, but he does not know my last name, my address, where I work or have me on Facebook or anything at all. He's deleted me now presumably and there's no way for him to find me again.

I feel like he's left the ball in my court but I am not sure why or what I am meant to do with it?

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VerityWaves · 08/07/2015 15:02

Oh my goodness what a drama queen ( him)
I think you have to let this one go I'm afraid. If he was super into you he wouldn't have sent you that silly mixed message "sort of " goodbye..
It seems like you are a massive stroke for his ego or something. I would delete all contacts for him. Put my music on cry it out if need be for a few weeks but ultimately absolutely move on !!

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Everythinghaschanged · 08/07/2015 15:03

Well you told him you were seeing someone else and now don't like it that he has backed off! Did you want/expect him to declare his undying love for you?

If you really wanted to be with each other, you would be. Why would you have let each other go in the past when you were both single?

This kind of thing has happened to me and it is actually a cleaner break if you both delete each other's numbers and move on. It will mess with your head to keep in touch with him, always yearning for more than he can give.

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OhNoNotMyBaby · 08/07/2015 15:06

Let it go, let it go, let it go.

Sorry - couldn't resist.

There is no future for you here. As Verity says, you are an ego stoke. He's really, really not interested in a committed relationship, he's just basking in someone finding him attractive and wants to keep you dangling.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2015 15:06

"I do know he's obviously not in a place for a relationship, but I hoped we could stay in each other's lives and maybe have a chance for the future because my gut is telling me that he and I are "it".

The first part of this comment says it all. Your gut feelings may be wrong here and you got over invested in this man very quickly. How is it that you ended up having such a "deep" connection with a man who does not even know your surname?. He has a lot of red flags around him.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

I think you have had a lucky escape; this man has played you like a violin and has manipulated you. His early protestations of you being "the one" should have raised questions too within you.

He was also never your project to rescue and or save from himself and you really do not want to be friends with such a person either.

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winkywinkola · 08/07/2015 15:07

Erm, he just sounds like a player. A total player.

Hedging his bets, thoroughly enjoying all these heady love affairs and telling all the women how special they are.

But oops, sorry. Not quite special enough. So see ya!

You've dodged a bullet. An emotional vampire.

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byalake · 08/07/2015 15:07

It was because he was still entangled with the ex, as I said he got back together with her once already and it wasn't fully "over" and he'd not made the decision to end it for good 100%. I was trying to respect myself by saying that wasn't good enough for me to start a new relationship. I didn't want to be a rebound. I wanted him to work through that and take time to be 100% sure of his decision before we got together and I was accepting that might never have happenned.

I just thought what would happen is that we would stay in contact and that maybe, just maybe there would be an "us" one day.

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byalake · 08/07/2015 15:10

I know it sounds odd to have such a strong connection and feeling, but I feel more connected to him than I do to the man I am actually dating (who is abolutely perfect on paper) and I have tried to make "wise" decisions with head rather than heart on this.

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KitZacJak · 08/07/2015 15:24

Not really sure what you expect him to do. You told him you are getting serious with someone so he basically said call him if it doesn't work out. He is actually being more straight forward than you are.

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laurierf · 08/07/2015 17:02

I asked him what it was about and he said he felt that the attraction between us was very strong, and that we'd eventually see each other again, end up together, fall madly in love and that ultimately someone else would make me happier in the long term and he did not want to cause me pain like he did to this other woman

I didn't really understand any of it

I do know he's obviously not in a place for a relationship, but I hoped we could stay in each other's lives and maybe have a chance for the future because my gut is telling me that he and I are "it"

I can see why someone who's not been on the end of this might think it looks like he's being more straightforward than you, you've started seeing someone else, he's not in a place for a relationship… etc. etc. but I suggest you go look at the "limerence" thread on this board because that is exactly where you'll end up if you don't just delete all your previous text and email conversations (including the one with his address), his phone number, just move on and never talk about him ever again.

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byalake · 08/07/2015 17:57

You think the attraction I feel is limerence?

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byalake · 08/07/2015 18:03

I definitely don't have that for him...have had that before (can't eat, sleep, think) with someone who was not interested in me.

In this case it was someone I formed a slow bond with emotionally over conversation, who asked me out multiple times but who I didn't date because he was entangled with someone else still and I didn't feel he was ready to begin a relationship in earnest with me and that was what I wanted off him.

It was more a case of me waiting until he was completely over it and ot seeing or speaking to her anymore. I could have been his girlfriend easily and probably still could be right now. He's asked for as much directly.

I think I had good reasons for saying "no". He admitted he was still not 100% sure he'd end up with the other woman who he shares a long history with. Going out with him and taking the relationship to a romantic level would have been putting myself in a potetially damaging position.

I do understand this might be "oh you're with someone else, give me a call if it doesn't work out" but it all seems a bit much deleting me and giving me his address. He could have just said "give me a call if it doesn't work out". Much easier to understand and to be that's straight forward.

This isn't straight forward at all. We've not been a couple, because of him, not me - he's the one entangled all these months, not me so seems bit odd that me becoming entangled changes the game.

Unless I was an ego boost.

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byalake · 08/07/2015 18:05

Oh and I really won't cry or be depressed about it, like I said I am seeing someone else who is lovely and I do really like him...it just doesn't feel right to lose this person out of my life because it feels in my gut like when the time is right he and I have the potential to be the right match.

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Keepingsecrecy · 08/07/2015 18:10

He sounds like a player, telling you all these things then at the same time saying he is entangled with his ex.

sounds like he is keeping his options open. Dangling a carrot in front of you.

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DizzyDaz · 08/07/2015 18:10

You were an Ego boost, 2 women on the Go and he is getting all that attention..
He is Useing you both and you are worth so much more than to be with this Player..
There is someone nice out there for you someone who will not make you question your self like this..I would just ignore him and move on with your life.

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laurierf · 08/07/2015 18:19

byalake - no, but I'm saying you will get to that stage if you don't drop this now.

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Cabrinha · 08/07/2015 18:22

He's sounds like a drama queen, a player, and a dick.

You should just laugh at his "one day we'll be together" and cut him off. If that was the case, you'd both say "let's stop dicking about then and do it".

I've got an ex like this. Every new girlfriend he gets triggers texts to me about scenes from Four Weddings, and whether he'll always regret us not working out.

Jog on.

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byalake · 08/07/2015 18:23

I do genuinely believe that he loves that woman but that he doesn't love her enough to marry her, and after a lot of years together I do see how that could be very tough. He's been very sad so I don't for a minute think he was playing her.

When he got back together he stopped speaking to me, and explained why, so I don't think he's a complete arsehole or anything - just a man ending a relationship that meant a lot to him.

I think he's met someone that he would definitely have had a relationship with if he'd met at a diferrent time, but right now all he can offer me is a sort of "girlfriend with no commitment or expectation" or "friends with benefits" arrangement, which I have said isn't what I want.

All of that was really fine with me but I suppose the bit I had trouble with was breaking contact. Like I said it just made sense to me to wait a few months and see where we were at when he might be more ready to really give things a go.

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byalake · 08/07/2015 18:25

I'll take the advice though to forget it! Obviously someone being the right person but not able to give you what you want is enough to walk away. I just hate the idea of never finding him again when I push this delete button. Of course I'm never going to write to him!!!

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FantasticButtocks · 08/07/2015 18:33

He sounds quite sensible to me. And quite respectful. You've told him you're now in a relationship with someone and he has cut contact, as otherwise his presence in your life would be likely to jeopardise that new relationship. He is probably correct in thinking that.

I don't understand why people are saying he's keeping you dangling. He's not. He has signed off from you.

You are embarking on another relationship with someone when you've said your gut feeling tells you you're going to end up with him. Not very fair to your new boyfriend really. He (your new BF) is starting this already playing second fiddle.

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Keepingsecrecy · 08/07/2015 18:36

but right now all he can offer me is a sort of "girlfriend with no commitment or expectation" or "friends with benefits" arrangement, which I have said isn't what I want

Bloody hell, he sounds exactly like my ex!

He just wants to be able to shag you and the other woman at the same time.

Good on you for saying no, you are worth more than this player

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Smorgasboard · 08/07/2015 18:38

Hmmm... so dating someone else somehow does not make you as entangled as him. I think deep down on some level ( perhaps its the professing to be commitment-phobic, then somehow him knowing you could be 'the one'??) you know things are not ringing true with him.
You were right to say no, but then were not about to wait for him yourself until you thought he was ready and continued to date and look for better? Either you know something is amiss with this, or you are perhaps very alike in that you both can't stand the thought of being without a partner - a bit of time on your own can be a good thing. He goes back to GF while you carry on dating, ever thought of both of you having a break at the same time?

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Smorgasboard · 08/07/2015 18:39

lol now we get to it, FWB offer only - no brainer then.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/07/2015 18:48

It's all pie in the sky - revisiting the notion that you are "the one" is tantalising.

You say he tried it on when you first met but you were seeing someone else. Then
you split with your bf and how convenient, he felt all that guilt about breaking his gf's heart but didn't suggest dating when you were both free. Then he was back with her!

While you were dating others he was teasing and attentive. It sounds less like confusion to me, more like he was never serious but liked the challenge of making you question the boyfriends you had. A bit of competitive chest beating.

Without that back story I might have thought differently but he is keeping you on the back burner. It is an ego stroke to make you do the chasing.

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byalake · 08/07/2015 18:53

Well no, I'm not as entagled as him...I've been on four dates with someone and we just had the exclusivity talk so that's nothing like coming out of a six year relationship in terms of the emotional entanglements.

I agree he's quite sensible...to be honest our talks were always along the lines of him saying he was only 30 but she was 34 and she wanted babies and marriage NOW and he wanted those things one day with someone, but not now, and he wasn't sure if he wanted them with her or not but felt really guilty about that and was conflicted inside over whether it was all right to jst marry someone because they were good enough or whether to wait for the fireworks.

He said he felt entering a rebound relationship right now was the wrong thing, and agreed with me on that, but I think he was also just a man and we find each other very, very attractive and have a strong chemistry so there was a lot of flirting in-amongst the serious chats.

I don't think (from my view) he is commitment phobic but more on the lines of being with the wrong person and finding it hard to break away from familiarity (I've been there) and the way he's handled it with thought and care was one of the reasons I started to like him so much.

I do think he probably felt like he was going to come between me and my new BF and wanted to give me a fair shot because he thinks he could not give me everything right now. I think is he was playing me or ego bossting himself he'd have just carried on as we were.

Fair point though, and probably, yes, there's not much chance of things progressing with the guy I am seeing if I am feeling a strong connection to someone else.

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laurierf · 08/07/2015 18:58

It is an ego stroke to make you do the chasing

exactly. And exactly why I suggested you look at the "limerence" thread on the relationships board, because it's exactly how people get hooked and then go a bit crazy.

he's so clever and honest and full of a desire to do the right thing by people

This just seems way to close to the poster whose LO is clearly a total misogynist but has the fact that he's a "Feminist" on his OD profile.

I'm sure there are people reading this thinking I'm being really harsh and leaping to unfair conclusions… maybe I am… but either way, do as he told you, not as I think he expected you to do - delete him and move on.

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