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DH and drugs. Please help me find the strength to end this.(11 Posts)
I have been fighting a loosing battle with DH about his cannabis addiction for years. He smokes every day and needs it to be 'normal'. Every few hours his mood will start to darken and he goes off for another. I have begged, threatened to leave (and pathetically not), screamed. He admits he has a problem, he wants to stop but he can't.
A few years ago he tried coke. I told him that I could never live with him doing that. He promised me he didn't do it, I told him again I would leave if I ever found out he was lying to me, that coke would be on another level of unacceptability.
However, I do believe he has been doing it recently. He has had a few days where his moods are horrific, he shouts really badly at me and DD, is totally unreasonable and drives like a crazy person and he needs to sleep a lot.
I have a heart fault that is getting worse, I may only have a few years left, it has been really hard for all of us. I think this is his way of coping.
I know what I should do. I don't want DD to be messed up from his bad moods and shouting. I don't have the strength to help him quit, I have tried with the cannabis and failed. I should leave him. But I have tried before and came back when he promised he would stop, I am ashamed that I haven't found the strength to stick to my word.
Before I jump in and tell him it's over, I need to be strong enough to fight his begging and promises. I'm worn down from my illness and mentally from being on edge with him. I can't talk to anyone in real life at the moment. Please if anyone can give me some advise, I really need it.
Is there anyone in your family you are close to, who know he is a drug addict?
You cannot help him quit. You can't control what he is doing. I would suggest Al-Anon or similar for you. And if he is abusive in his moods call Women's aid too.
He takes drugs because he is an addict, not to cope with your illness. It isn't your fault.
I know that I can't control him. The problem is, finding the strength to say this is enough, it's over. I have a speech in my head that I am going to say later. I'm just trying to find the courage to say it. I can go away for a few days with DD, but after that he needs to have found somewhere to stay.
The nastiness coming off him yesterday has made me a bit intimidated, I'm just not sure I have the strength to fight him.
My family knows about the cannabis, they would be so happy if I left, but they also know that I have gone back before. I feel so stupid. Sorry if this is garbled, I'm just trying to get it all down so that I can re-read it if I think of backing out.
Trying I'm going to speak plainly & I hope it doesn't upset you, I've been where you are & I know how hard it is to tell him to leave & the fear of the immediate repercussions this is not a time for soft words or for my pussyfooting around you, but I'm certainly not trying to upset you <hug>
OK, if you are going to die in the next few years then your DD needs a father who is not addicted to drugs, as when someone is in the grip of an addiction your DD will always come second to that addiction, as you are both coming second now. If you are not around to fight for her or to act as a barrier between his behaviour & her then she essentially has no protection from the behaviour of an addict; those godawful morning bad shitty moods, the reckless dangerous driving, the constant excuses & letting down etc etc (Unless of course he will not be the main carer when you have gone)
Remember the three C's, you didn't cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. You took him back in good faith that he would get some help, it doesn't make you weak or foolish that you believed him but its fairly clear that he will allow the status quo to continue if you don't draw the line somewhere. You need to draw that line right now.
Having a speech in your head is a good idea as you will have some idea of what you need to get over to him, but bear in mind that he won't be listening to it, not at first. Keep the speech on the back burner & just practise saying a sentence, my sentence was to my ex that 'I'm not in love with you any more, I don't want to be married to you anymore, I want a divorce.' Try something similar that's short & that cannot be misunderstood.
If his immediate reaction is violence then call the police.
If he starts with the begging/promises/guilt then just stay strong & if you have to, just keep repeating no. In my experience that first conversation is not one for explanations or understanding anything, it will be about first reactions, so a shocked disbelief, possibly a fight or flight thing, possibly his first response will be to indulge in his addiction. He will blame you, he will say dreadful things but it doesn't matter, he is no longer your problem. He can say what he likes, your decision is made.
If you can, then get angry!This is not what you & your DD need, he had the opportunity to step up & he didn't, so that's his chance gone. You are not a doormat! You deserve more respect than this, illness or not & he is not giving you what you need so you are more than within your rights to get rid. Throw him out! Shout at him! Get angry as the anger will keep you strong.
Keep posting as someone will always be here to read it.
If it helps, then my leaving my exH was a turning point for him. Not immediately no, but a year or so in he decided to get clean, he did a detox & he's now clean & sober & a 100% better father. But it took losing his wife & 2 sons to do it. You hear talk about a rock bottom & perhaps it will be the same for your husband, I don't know.
But you know that living with an addict is exhausting & relentless, once you are clear of that & once he has gone then you will get a relief & a weight will just lift from you. Your life will get much much easier on a day to day basis & you will realise that you are not responsible for his happiness & that he has his life to lead & its his responsibility where his life takes him. You take control of your life & yes its hard, but once you are out of the woods then you will look back & wonder why you stayed for so long. You can do it, I know you can! I have faith in you & you are stronger than you think.
Sweetheart you need to do this.
think of all the things you can do once you leave. Holidays, days out, new things, stress free fun. Quality time with your daughter without a black cloud over your heads.
You both deserve more than this.
You CAN do this
If you are scared of him, write him a letter (keep a copy) and just go. In the letter tell him exactly what you've said here and tell him, too, that if your life is shorter than it should be, you will make sure he does not have custody of your child if he is taking drugs.
It's interesting your family think you should leave - confide in them now, write the letter and get the hell out of there.
Oh and when you return to your house, make sure you have a couple of people with you in case he thought you weren't serious.
I hope everything goes well for you.
Drug addiction is a family illness. You can find support for yourself from Families Anonymous, they have a good website/forum, you can go to meetings, get phone support and order literature. Good luck
Thanks for your replies. Midnight this is exactly what I need to hear, I need to hear things harshly to give me strength. Everything you have written makes sense.
I have worked with young offenders who became hooked on drugs because their parent took drugs and they thought it 'was OK' to do drugs. It is not OK and your daughter could be at risk. You need to be the parent she looks up to. Not him.
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