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They're making him choose!!

(63 Posts)
tornandhurt Wed 08-Jul-15 08:59:07

Ok so its been almost a year since I posted on here...I caught my husband cheating. A lot has happened since then, we worked hard and piecing our lives back together.

My relationship with my inlaws is non existent, to them I don't exist (for reasons that I wont go into and bore you with) - but I've accepted that I'm not part of their lives and have spent the last year, being civil, not interfering, allowing regular access to the children etc etc.....I've just sat in the background.

At the beginning of February I was hit out the blue with divorce papers, on the grounds of unreasonable behavior. My husband stood and lied to my face telling me he didn't instruct a divorce he simply went along for some advice, as we'd hit a rocky patch........this has gone back and forth for months, to the point that he was to return a revised petition a couple of weeks ago. In all of this I'd point out that he's continued to tell me he loves me, that this isn't what he wants and that he knows he needs to sort himself out.

So a couple of weeks ago we decided to work on things properly. We've been doing really well. I told him that I couldn't face the prospect of papers just arriving on my doorstep and that if he really wanted to proceed that was fine, but we needed to be adult about it and deal with things properly for the sake of the children. I also asked him not to play games as I was stressing that he was only being nice because it was our DS birthday at the weekend. He promised that wasn't the case.

So............still keeping up!........you can imagine the heartbreak all over again when last night when I asked what he was doing about the papers, as I had asked him to put things on hold, he informed me he returned them to his solicitor all signed and sealed.........the reason........I've finally got to the bottom of it...........his parents are making him choose between them and me. They're paying for the divorce and they're leading it!! - Aside from the obvious conversation that then happened (with me telling him how ridiculous that was at his age) I fail to understand how grown adults think thats the way to deal with things.

I'd point out this couple have 5 grandchildren, two of which are DDs of mine (technically not theirs) and they only now speak to my youngest DS.......They've cut my DDs out of their lives, and have cut their other two grandsons out........whats wrong with these people, and why is it so hard for DH to stand up and say "you know what, I'm not choosing, I love you both, I want to work on my marriage and still have a relationship with you as my parents separately" - am I asking too much?

magoria Wed 08-Jul-15 09:06:10

Well to be honest as he has made the decision to sign the divorce papers he has decided your marriage is over.

Whatever strings his parents are pulling in the back ground he could have made the decision to stay. Maybe he isn't strong enough as he has been brought up to accept their behaviour. You haven't and don't have to.

He has already had an affair.

You clearly have been working hard to rebuild he decided 6 months ago it was done and dusted and he wanted out.

There is no way a solicitor would have sent divorce papers without a lot of information being passed.

Get out of the marriage, get as much as you can and protect yourself and your DC. You and they are important not this lying cheater who is happy for your DC to be treated like this or his parents.

He will end up a sad lonely man with just his parents. His choice though.

Tryharder Wed 08-Jul-15 09:10:39

Get yourself some legal advice sharpish

Lovingfreedom Wed 08-Jul-15 09:14:40

Your husband wants a divorce. The bit about his parents is a red herring. I agree with PP..get a solicitor ASAP.

Everythinghaschanged Wed 08-Jul-15 09:17:51

What a wimp. He's only divorcing because his parents told him to? What kind of man does that.

He obviously does want the divorce. He signed the papers.

Even if they are putting pressure on him let him get on with it and get angry.

Everythinghaschanged Wed 08-Jul-15 09:18:19

He's probably telling you one thing and his parents another.

FrankietheSquealer Wed 08-Jul-15 09:20:06

Is this some kind of very close knit family? It doesn't sound normal.

FrankietheSquealer Wed 08-Jul-15 09:20:26

gasp - its a CULT!

Dont drink the Kool aid

tornandhurt Wed 08-Jul-15 09:22:03

I have yes. I'm clearly just a mug though as I fail to understand why someone that wants a divorce can live as a married couple, trying, working hard at things and sleeping together. In the cold light of day I suppose I'm gutted that I've essentially allowed him to treat me like a cheap wh@re

Blu Wed 08-Jul-15 09:22:28

His parents can't 'lead' his divorce, they can't speak to a solicitor about his business or instruct a solicitor to produce, never mind, serve papers!

he is either making a pro-active decision to divorce you while being too cowardly to talk to you directly about it, or (unlikely, give the history of this) does love you but is too lily livered to stand up to his parents. If he loves you he wouldn't lie to you, talk to solicitors about you or allow his parents to rule his life.

I am very sorry you have had such a rough time, but it is time now to look after your own interests, first, foremost and with some vigour! As he is plainly cowardly and pathetically weak he may well allow his parents to influence him to behave very badly in terms of pushing you out of what you are entitled to divorce-wise.

Get rid as fast as possible - it is a horrible situation your older girls are in.

jammiesplodgers Wed 08-Jul-15 09:26:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 08-Jul-15 09:27:21

If he wants to be married to you, but can't stop his parents making him divorce, you have to ask yourself what kind of mental state he's in that he can't say no. Do you want to be married to a man or a mouse? A sane human being or Norman Bates without the knife?

Agree with the others, never mind what words are coming out of his mouth, he's going ahead with the divorce for whatever reason so you need to get lawyered up PDQ. Maybe it's true that he doesn't want to hmm but it doesn't seem to be making any difference to what he does. It's just possible he'll wake up and realise what he stands to lose before he's sleepwalked all the way to the divorce court, but you can't go on just kind of expecting it to happen.

jammiesplodgers Wed 08-Jul-15 09:33:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hettie Wed 08-Jul-15 09:36:15

Do in-laws have money? Are they prepared to throw tonnes of cash at legal fees to get exactly what they and h want?
You need to get lega ladvice asap, expecialy regarding custody of your DS..

peggyundercrackers Wed 08-Jul-15 09:37:58

His parents aren't making him choose, he is choosing for himself just like he choose to have an affair. Stop believing what he is telling you - get some legal advice and go along with the divorce.

tornandhurt Wed 08-Jul-15 09:40:28

You know what, I know you're all absolutely right, and this is probably exactly what I needed to hear. Its so very sad and so hard, when despite everything he's done, all the lies, all the hurt and all the heartbreak, this is a man that I've stood by, supported and loved and still do. I really do long for the day where I can be happy and I look back on these times from a better place. Life would be far easier if I could be angry and hate him.

Lweji Wed 08-Jul-15 10:08:23

Just read it and I agree with everyone else.

Glad that you have realised that it IS him.

Also, he did cheat. They didn't force him to. You caught him, so it's not as if he even decided to come clean.

I'd treat anything he says as a lie and move on with my life. Do get a solicitor and fight for what is fair. I suspect he will try to cheat you (and the children) of what he can.

StayWithMe Wed 08-Jul-15 10:15:13

I'm sorry OP but I think he's being nice to you in order to manipulate you. Check your finances with a fine tooth comb as I wouldn't be surprised he's moving stuff/money around and hiding his property/assets so you get less when you divorce.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 08-Jul-15 10:39:21

Only a "mug" in that you hoped that the man you invested in could be a man and be honest with you.

He is warped, his parents are in part responsible but had he a shred of decency tornandhurt, he would have admitted the affair was a turning point. It wasn't something that just happened, the divorce papers didn't just appear out of the blue, he seems to act as if he got swept along all the time he made a mockery of your relationship.

Lavenderice Wed 08-Jul-15 10:48:14

Get yourself some legal advice and get rid of this twatmonger for good. Enjoy your new happy life!

DorisDazzler Wed 08-Jul-15 11:22:12

I agree with everyone else. He has chosen to divorce and is stupidly trying to blame his parents for it. Is he still in the family home ?

tornandhurt Wed 08-Jul-15 11:32:35

Oh yes.......honestly no-one on the outside would know there was even a problem. Because of my own stupidity I've spent the last 7 months believing him and the lies...........so we've continued as any normal married couple would.

I'm organised in terms of finances etc........I know what's what and what I'm due and owed so I'm not stressing about that. Its the moving the children, starting again all because he's a spineless and cruel man.

cozietoesie Wed 08-Jul-15 11:45:17

...because he's a spineless and cruel man...

Let that thought fuel you in the actions you need to take. You'll find some peace and happiness at the end of the road.

jammiesplodgers Wed 08-Jul-15 11:53:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StayWithMe Wed 08-Jul-15 12:03:58

That's brilliant that you know how you stand financially. I'm sorry you have all this ahead of you. It sounds all the more devastating because you really seem to have thought it had blown over. Time to get angry now. flowers

I may be wrong but I've a feeling he has someone waiting for him and just wanted to sneak away without facing the consequences.

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