Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

And so it continues.....

(65 Posts)
Lolliew Wed 08-Jul-15 08:26:29

I'm looking for some hand holding here guys, please be gentle.....

DH and I have had 'the talk' and he says that he feels numb and doesn't feel anything, he doesn't know if he wants to stay or go, he is worried about the effect on the kids, on me and on him. He claims that there is no one else.

He has said that I don't deserve the pain he is putting me through, that I deserve someone who will love me for who I am not the person I am trying to be in order to keep him happy (I've started running again after a few months away from it - no other changes).

He said last night that he would like another week to make the decision about if he stays or goes 'if I am ok with that'. I agreed (one of the kids away, another's birthday today, one due back from uni Friday ) makes sense to not rush the decision as it will effect us for the rest of our lives.

So why do I need my hand holding?
Well if I told him that I forgive his 'emotional affair' and that I am prepared to fix our marriage, move on and attempt to rebuild it into something better, why does he feel numb?
Has he already decided that he wants out and is trying to do it gently?
Am I missing something?

magoria Wed 08-Jul-15 08:33:26

I would say the person he had the emotional affair with hasn't made up their mind if they want him or is not quite ready for him to move in with them or he isn't 100% sure they are a better option so doesn't want to totally burn his chances with you.

In a week he can still make the choice because you are allowing it.

Take his choice away from him.

Tell him to go. Actually losing you may be the kick up the arse he needs.

All the time you are letting him treat you like this, he knows you are there and doesn't have to worry about you not being there.

You deserve better.

As a extra you are not still doing any household/wife stuff for him while he mopes around making his decision are you?

Sickoffrozen Wed 08-Jul-15 08:37:19

You are definitely missing something. That he is still invested emotionally with the other person.

Lolliew Wed 08-Jul-15 08:40:56

Not any wife stuff exactly, I cook an evening meal for everyone him included, but I keep the house clean anyway.

He does his own washing/ironing (he has sensitive skin and uses separate wash powder).

wallaby73 Wed 08-Jul-15 08:44:45

So he's doing the "you don't deserve me", and then the whole head fuck of "you deserve someone who loves you for you, not someone you're trying to be in order to keep me". That there is disgraceful. Flooding the place with self pity and ego. Is that really what he thinks you are doing? Whereas you've just restarted running...

As pp said, take the control back, why should you wait another week for his highness to deliver his decision? It does mightily sound like something or someone else is going on in the background, and this "1 more week, i feel numb .." Isn't as noble as he is making out. And even if there isn't, i think your dignity and power is important here. Wait another week? No.

FryOneFatManic Wed 08-Jul-15 09:22:01

Why not tell him to move out for a while , to give you some space to think? His attitude on hearing that might be informative.

Well if I told him that I forgive his 'emotional affair' and that I am prepared to fix our marriage, move on and attempt to rebuild it into something better, why does he feel numb?

He's the one who had an emotional affair, he's the one who should be working to fix this.

DorisDazzler Wed 08-Jul-15 11:53:08

I'm sorry to hear this Lollie. He's really messing with you isn't he.

I'm sorry to say I think something is still going on , he's not being straight with you at all. People do not leave their family simply because they feel numb. Moving out will have serious negative consequences for him , financially , emotionally and socially. In order for it to be worth it to him there must be some POSITIVE benefits to it. Usually the benefit is a ow.

I don't think the affair was just emotional or that it ever stopped. You really need to take control as your husband will navel gaze and indulge his childish drama for as long as he can. If ow is married I really can't see him moving out. There is an article ill find for you , I'd be inclined to follow the advice in it.

DorisDazzler Wed 08-Jul-15 12:05:12

Your husband has done nothing but create drama and conflict since he started his stupid affair. Cheaters get hooked on the high they get and its all about them. If you don't take control he's going to start suggesting separating but still living together for the kids and other such rubbish.

Lolliew Wed 08-Jul-15 13:11:03

I did consider that he is still attached to the OW but I don't think so, I would have more suspicions, OW is married and would be giving up a lot financially if she left her OH for my DH. I really do believe that it is over between them.

I will continue to expand the talk today when he comes home and see if I can find out any more. He did say that there is no one else when we were talking last night.

DorisDazzler Wed 08-Jul-15 13:29:38

I really hope you are right Op but I cannot see any motivation for wanting to move out apart from a ow. It must be utterly awful living in limbo like this. You really do deserve better.

circleskirt Wed 08-Jul-15 13:32:18

This sounds to me like a man whose newly found attractiveness has gone to his head. When he was very overweight he was pleased to have you, now he thinks the rest of womankind might want to benefit from his attentions. His fling with the OW has inflated his ego and self belief, but he is still scared of letting go totally. Yes, a MLC, compounded by being slimmer and fitter.

By the way this is the first time I've heard of anyone being Wendied by their husband. Make him leave, you really, really should.

Bogeyface Wed 08-Jul-15 13:37:28

It may be over with her but I suspect that he is sniffing out the next one and thats why he needs "time to decide". He has already decided, he just doesnt want to actually action it and have to do anything that might make his life a little bit harder.

Basically I think he will stay with you until the next one comes along that will give him the opportunity to go from one home straight to the next with none of that inconvenient living on his own stuff in between.

Weebirdie Wed 08-Jul-15 13:41:43

Dont give him the week. Make him go and taste the reality of his goings on. In fact why don't you just tell him its over? Because if he does decide to say you will always be second best and life will always be about keeping him happy. Do not ever be indebted to him because he decided to stay.

SylvaniansAtEase Wed 08-Jul-15 13:49:56

Oh he doesn't feel numb, don't you worry.

He's plotting. Now that he knows he's got you on side and you'll forgive him, he doesn't need to work on you - at least not for now. So you can go in your box like the nice safe fall back option you are (which translates as being 'numb' - ie not really focusing on you right now). The most likely thing he IS focusing on, as others have said, is the affair partner. Now that he knows he has you as an option, he can concentrate on that side of things - do they still want him? would they be a better option? what would dumping you and taking them actually mean for him, living conditions etc.?

His attention is elsewhere, as you can tell.

Dump him - he deserves a little surprise, don't you think?

DorisDazzler Wed 08-Jul-15 14:03:30

Lollie do you really truly forgive him for his emotional affair ? It sounds to me that actually you don't and that it still causes you a lot of pain. It also sounds like there isn't really much in the way of honest communication .you seemed hesitant to put boundrys in place ie him speaking to ow /the race abroad and you seem anxious raising conversations with him. On his part he sounds very dismissive and selfish.

It's ok to blow your top you know. It might do you good.

ALaughAMinute Wed 08-Jul-15 18:40:25

He has said that I don't deserve the pain he is putting me through, that I deserve someone who will love me for who I am not the person I am trying to be in order to keep him happy

He's right, you deserve better.

Go and see a solicitor, some solicitor's do a free half hour but you will have to phone around to make sure you get the best one.

I went to see a solicitor on Friday as I am planning to divorce my husband. It took a lot of courage but I feel so much better now that I have done it.

Be strong. Life is too short for all of this shit! flowers

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 08-Jul-15 19:06:27

Numb is what you feel after you discover the person you trusted has betrayed that trust.

Indifferent is what you feel when you are interested in someone new and exciting amd the woman who has been in your life offers to fix what you are intent on breaking.

I am sorry but it sounds like he is playing for time. Any super efforts you make in the meantime will be a bonus for him.

Janette123 Wed 08-Jul-15 19:19:26

I am sorry that this is happening to you.

Your H is the one who should be trying to fix this, as he is the one who had the EA.

The fact that he doesn't want to do that, makes me suspect that it's not over. I am afraid that he's probably hedging his bets until his AP makes a move.

My exH kept me in limbo with excuses as to why he was "all mixed up" - the reality was he was having a PA and was waiting for his AP to dump her boyfriend before he made a move.

Take a deep breath and make an appt to see a solicitor. Most give a half-hour free appt. This may give you some clarity.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 08-Jul-15 19:40:58

If he's still in your bed kick him out or, better still, tell him you've had a change of heart and kick him out of your home tonight.

Say you'll talk to him again in a week's time when he's made his decision - and you've had opportunity to consult a solicitor and reflect on whether you want to continue this travesty of a marriage to a man who is clearly emotionally invested elsewhere and doesn't give a flying fuck for you or your feelings.

Lolliew Wed 08-Jul-15 19:58:14

I asked him what he would do if I asked him to leave today, he replied that he didn't know, it's our youngest (autistic) sons birthday today, and I wanted to keep any other difficulties low key for him.

We do still share a bed but sleep only, he swears blind that there isn't anyone else and that he doesn't even know why he is feeling like he is.

AnyFucker Wed 08-Jul-15 20:03:15

and another woman being dicked around by some middle aged lothario who has forgotten what it means to be a husband and father....

mistymeanour Wed 08-Jul-15 20:46:45

Tell him he is right you do deserve someone better - tell him to go- it will certainly focus his mind. He should be the one trying to save things not you.

(other very remote possibility from the little you have said - could he be depressed?)

circleskirt Wed 08-Jul-15 20:53:39

Depressed? He's a born again stud muffin.

butterflygirl15 Wed 08-Jul-15 21:02:48

stop waiting for him to decide whether he wants you or not and tell him to leave tomorrow. Why do you think you should wait for him to not want you, or decide you as his second best will have to do for now until a better offer comes along?

Messymomma Wed 08-Jul-15 21:05:42

My FIL did this. Said almost word for word what your husband has said to you. Turned out he was waiting for the flat he was moving into, with the other woman, to be ready. The second it was he left. Without any warning and on MIL's birthday.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: