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Difficult situation

(97 Posts)
assiren Tue 07-Jul-15 20:01:19

I'm a married mother of a 10 year old. I was never looking for another man. I'm telling my story because I'm in a very difficult position. 8 months ago I was traveling on duty back to my home country with the airline I work for. One of the staff onboard introduced me to the others and despite working in sales only the captain and the inflight manager knew me. One of the cabin crew staff tried to approach me but I completely ignored him. The captain onboard invited me for landing and I disappeared. The cabin crew member followed me till baggage claim and asked me to contact him with my contact details as he needed a contact in the sales department. I found it weird as he had worked for the airline for more than 20 years but I gave it little thought. The day after I emailed him my email address and forgot all about it. A few days later he spoke to me on Facebook and I found it quite innocent. He had his profile photo with his wife and I spoke to him. He has 3 children. One exactly my daughter s age and who will most probably start attending same school as my daughter in a year s time. We clicked on all levels possible but a month of constant talking, I started feeling very guilty in confront of his wife mainly and tried to stop everything. He left home for a few hours and decided to go by the sea to think. I was so distraught thinking I had found my soulmate and I d lose him but at the same time I was thinking we are both married with children and this has to end. We couldn't end it and on New Years Eve we met for 10 minutes and we kissed for the first time. In February after a huge argument we realized what the problem was. We had fallen in love with each other. Love declared, he confessed he was only being kept from doing the next move because of the children - all 4. I never asked him to leave his wife or children as I agree it would be too heavy for both sides-for both families. 9 months passed and we had a million of arguments and I tried to stop this relationship a few times but he couldn't cope (and me neither but I was keeping strong externally). We are deeply in love. We talk to each other like as if we be known each other for years. We talk to each other about everything - most of which we do not talk about with our partners as both sides show no interest. I am worried especially when I think if more years pass, if something had to happen to him and I can't be there for him. It kills us not being able to be together. He even told me once not to disappear from his life as it would kill him. We made love about 5 times but we meet at least twice, three times a month - even if just for a few minutes at work. He always asks me to meet outside of work but we are probably both afraid of what can happen. We both know it's not correct but we both know also we can't leave with each other. We tried being friends. Didn't work out. We don't want to hurt our families as trey are innocent in this but we found true love. I am lost, confused. I love this man too much. I don't know what to do anymore

IcecreamHavoc Tue 07-Jul-15 20:04:16

You do know what to do, you just don't want too.

His poor wife and children.

Fatstacks Tue 07-Jul-15 20:05:12

Just continue the affair.

It isn't like real people will get hurt and as long as you get exactly what you want hmm

sensiblesometimes Tue 07-Jul-15 20:12:23

You have both allowed yourself to gradually detach from your spouses and attach to each other ..Over time this bond has deepened ...you are now apparently deeply in love and feel that this justifies your current actions : having sex and betraying your partners further. ....what is it you want us to say exactly ....I'm confused

bigbumbrunette Tue 07-Jul-15 20:13:08

You're already hurting your families

Wristy Tue 07-Jul-15 20:16:16

So you felt bad for his wife when you chatted every day? Just not so much now you're shagging him. Lovely.

YellowTulips Tue 07-Jul-15 20:26:43

It's not a difficult situation at all.

It's a fucking car crash in slow motion.

What do you do? Well stop cheating for a start. Cut contact with him and get some counselling.

Tell your husband what you've done and give him the chance to decide if he wants to stay with you - having agreed to move out to give him some space and dignity.

Or keep on with the affair until you get caught so you can tell everyone what a coup de foudre it was and how you just couldn't help yourself.

YellowTulips Tue 07-Jul-15 20:31:27

Oh and maybe read the limerence thread in this section.....

assiren Tue 07-Jul-15 20:31:39

I know I look like the worst person in the world and I swear I tried to stop this but each time I feel like dying. It's not a game as some might think sad

YellowTulips Tue 07-Jul-15 20:36:38

No one said it was a game apart from you mentioning that term.

Seriouslyffs Tue 07-Jul-15 20:36:57

Oh grow up.

Fatstacks Tue 07-Jul-15 20:40:57

If it's real go nc, divorce your husband, leave home and set up as a single person and when your new boyfriend does the same you can swan off into the sunset together.

Everythinghaschanged Tue 07-Jul-15 20:43:26

I don't know why you told us all that cabin crew/sales nonsense. Just say you are having an affair.

Mcmcmcmc Tue 07-Jul-15 20:43:45

OP, there are different ways to go about this:

1) you talk it through and you both decide you are going to leave your spouses and be together. It will be painful for everyone involved for a long time, but it may be best in the end.

or
2) you explain to him that you think this is going the wrong way and that you want to stop. You can tell him all your reasons. Then be very firm and cut all contact.

or
3) you let the affair run its course. Who knows, it may fade very soon and you will go back to your life. Or it may not, then you will have to think about what I said on point 1).
(number 3 is by far the easiest, though it can be the worst in the long run, as it is essentially the same situation you are living at the moment)

Some people may be a little judgemental about your situation, but I have to say, I know couples who met when they were both married to other people in unhappy marriages, and eventually got together and stayed married to each other very happily until one of them died. We are all human, and sometimes we cannot stop falling in love for someone else. Just try to make a decision and stick to it, then move on.

Mcmcmcmc Tue 07-Jul-15 20:46:25

Just to add to my post above:
It may all seem very glamorous to both of you because it's an "exciting" situation but do bear in mind that if you do decide to be together, chances are that the thrill of the new will fade and you will leave a normal life like every other couple.
I guess what you really need to think about is whether you love this man or whether it is just the thrill that you like. Also, how do you feel about your husband? How was your relationship with him before this all started? If things were going badly in your marriage, than this relationship with this guy may just be a distraction from it, or ir may actually be a sign that your heart has moved on.

YellowTulips Tue 07-Jul-15 20:50:56

It's all rather unbelievably dramatic isn't it, reading back.

Feeling "like dying" and "it's killing us".

assiren Tue 07-Jul-15 20:54:41

Mc- I believe we both were living a normal married life. With the ups and downs.We both tried to work on our marriage flaws especially with regards to the communication problems. Both parties didn't show any interest in solving certain issues.

MrsDeVere Tue 07-Jul-15 20:54:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

assiren Tue 07-Jul-15 20:56:12

Yellowtulips - you are right as it might seem too dramatic but in reality it's not.

wannaBe Tue 07-Jul-15 21:00:28

so you've fallen deeply in love with a man you've met a handful of times and you feel you want to die without him? ok, people have affairs, marriages end, people end up together and sometimes those relationships last. but:

Are you prepared to end your marriage with your husband in order to be with this man? In fact, are you prepared to end your marriage with your husband anyway? given that there is always the possibility the OM might not end up leaving his wife?

Are you prepared to move out of the family home with the dc, and to have to relinquish them perhaps even 50/50 to be with their dad?

Are you prepared to lose all your friends because they are so disgusted with what you've done?

Prepared for your own family voicing their disgust at what you've done and refusing to accept the OM in their lives?

YellowTulips Tue 07-Jul-15 21:01:03

Well if it's not actually that dramatic then I'd point you to MrsDV's post.

TheFormidableMrsC Tue 07-Jul-15 21:01:21

I felt like dying when my husband did this to me. I couldn't though, I had to bring up the autistic 2 1/2 year old he left behind. Still, as long as you're both happy, that's all that matters. 2 years later and I am still a long way from recovery. Life ruining.

I have zero sympathy for anybody doing shit like this.

pocketsaviour Tue 07-Jul-15 21:03:48

Love declared, he confessed he was only being kept from doing the next move because of the children

Is this a dry run for your adultery memoir/submission to Take a Break?
Suggested titles: "Forbidden Love - at 10,000 Feet" or perhaps "Our Love Has Wings" or if you're feeling more raunchy, how about "I Fucked A Stew And I Liked It"?

2/10, boring and clichéd. Give your head a wobble and go back to your husband and child.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 07-Jul-15 21:04:21

Your problem is easily solived. Simply agree with your lover to meet up on this date next year by which time both of you will have divorced your current spouses and will be free to pursue your destiny togther.

Alternatively, carry on with your illicit meetings and wait for reality to come crashing down on your shared fantasy.

mynewpassion Tue 07-Jul-15 21:05:32

Stop blaming your spouses for not wanting to fix the marriage when you and him can't stop contacting each other.

you are ruining their lives not your spouses.

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