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Got hit on by a guy 25 years older than me

(67 Posts)
kikusema Tue 07-Jul-15 16:32:01

Long story short, I admire him and what he has achieved at work. I look to enter the same industry so asked him out with the idea of being friends and learning from his experience.

Maybe it was partly my fault but I was so shocked that he hit on me, asking me to go on trips abroad with him and tring to hold my hands.
We went out for a few drinks but I did not see it as a date at all! I mean, he is old enough to be my dad for god's sake. And the thing is, I am Asian so I look a lot younger than my age.

What is wrong with older men nowadays? Do I have no chance of being friends with men at all?

velourvoyageur Tue 07-Jul-15 16:52:56

I might be getting it totally wrong but I don't think he did a bad thing, unless you're 15! Older people have desires like everyone. I've always been flattered when anyone, whether I find them attractive or not, has hit on me (in a respectful way).
As long as he backed off as soon as you made it clear you weren't interested, there's no rule that says he's a bastard because he expressed his attraction for someone younger than him. He sees himself as a person not as a eunuch! and he should be seen as such by everyone else.
Actually I'm thinking I must have the wrong end of the stick because I thought MN was against such blatant ageism.
I frequently have crushes on people 25 years older than me (though yeah mostly I like people my age) and if one of them ever asked me out I'd be really pleased not dismayed!

Fatstacks Tue 07-Jul-15 16:55:13

Was he inappropriate?
Is he in a senior position or mentoring role?

NutellaOnCrumpets Tue 07-Jul-15 16:56:15

Sounds like he got mixed signals after you asked him out. He obviously wasn't clear that it was just as friends. It doesn't mean that anything is "wrong" with older men. Lots of people have successful relationships with older men (myself included).
You can still be friends with men whether older or younger than you, just make it obvious from the start that that's all it is.

Floggingmolly Tue 07-Jul-15 16:56:30

You asked him out... We're you explicit about it being with a view to using him for his knowledge and contacts, presumably? You can hardly blame him otherwise.

kikusema Tue 07-Jul-15 17:20:28

@velourvoyageur I wasn't trying to justify what an asshole he is. I am just a bit confused why someone at his age would be interested in me (a much younger woman). I am very flattered but uncomfortable at the same time.

luckiestgirlintheworld Tue 07-Jul-15 17:22:17

I married a guy 25 years older than me. And we have 2 DC. Seriously, as long as you're both adults...

kikusema Tue 07-Jul-15 17:24:10

I think i am just super confused why older men would be interested in someone who is young enough to be their daughter.

luckiestgirlintheworld Tue 07-Jul-15 17:26:04

Perhaps its not your age he's attracted to. Perhaps it's your personality or your looks.

IrenetheQuaint Tue 07-Jul-15 17:27:18

Um, because they are attractive (and sometimes more easily impressed).

I was sexually harassed by an 88-year-old once... More than 50 years older than me!

Senada Tue 07-Jul-15 17:27:20

I don't think I understand why you're confused, OP.

AnyFucker Tue 07-Jul-15 17:27:22

really ? this confuses you ?

have you had a very sheltered life ?

AlfAlf Tue 07-Jul-15 17:32:18

Okaaaay.
If you ask someone out for a drink, it's reasonable for them to assume you're interested in them. Think you are being a tad disingenuous here.

I'm not a fan of big age gaps but I feel sorry for the bloke.

kikusema Tue 07-Jul-15 18:40:49

I understand why men like younger women, but young enough to be your daughter???? btw I am feeling like a troll lol

kikusema Tue 07-Jul-15 18:44:14

AlfAlf actually i started the conversation via email then he asked me out and i said yes. Still.. partly my responsibility

Fatstacks Tue 07-Jul-15 18:49:29

If he is your boss or superior then absolutely bad form.
If he went too far, tried to grope then something needs to be done.

If a bloke you went for a drink with chatted you up and asked you on a date, despite being older, then all you need to do is say no thanks but I would like the chance to get work advice etc.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 07-Jul-15 18:53:54

It works the other way - there's no shortage of women who are attracted to men young enough to be their sons or grandsons.

You asked a man you are not on familiar terms with out for a drink without making it clear that you were only interested in him as a way of furthering your career, but even if you had told him you were in need of a mentor he may have got the wrong message as you chose the wrong way to go about establishing the type of friendship you had in mind.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 07-Jul-15 18:59:59

Learn from it. If you're this easily shocked by the ways of the world, I fear for your future. smile

kikusema Tue 07-Jul-15 19:00:45

We used to go out for coffee. I didn't think too much about having a drink. How else are women going to develop better friendship with men if no mutual friends? Maybe I should have made it clear that this is not a date..

kikusema Tue 07-Jul-15 19:01:47

goddessofsmallthings I think I am more like flattered cos I always think men don;t find me attractive in this country cos I look too much like a 16 yo sad

Floggingmolly Tue 07-Jul-15 19:02:19

Why did you say in your op that you asked him out, then say later it was the other way round? It's not a particularly easy mistake to make, really.

Lweji Tue 07-Jul-15 19:04:38

I am just a bit confused why someone at his age would be interested in me (a much younger woman).

Are you really that naive? Even if you are old enough to be his daughter?

I'd definitely shag a man young enough to be my son, as long as they were over 18. OK, at least on the 20s.

My own son is much much younger, so no confusion there at all.

AnyFucker Tue 07-Jul-15 19:04:40

you haven't done anything wrong, it's just your incredulity that an older man might be sexually interested in a younger woman is a bit strange

I am surprised you haven't come across any slightly creepy men that think any shared glass of wine = fair game before now, that is all

but that is their problem not yours, just watch out for it and don't get taken by surprise

Anon4Now2015 Tue 07-Jul-15 19:05:04

Saying you don't understand why a man would be attracted to a woman 25 years younger then him, is a bit like saying you don't understand why a blond man would be attracted a brunette woman. Or that you don't understand why an artistic man would be attractive to a scientific woman.

As long as your are both adults why would the age be any more significant as a deterrant than hair colour, height or disposition? Why would it even be something he considers at this stage?

He's not an "asshole" and (unless there's more to this than you are saying) it's unreasonable for you to characterise him as such. He's an adult who is attracted to another adult and made that clear. Isn't that pretty much how all relationships start?

You don't share his feelings so you knocked him back. Fair enough. But don't make out that he's done something strange and incomprehensible.

ShelaghTurner Tue 07-Jul-15 19:05:11

God I love older men. Alas I'm so old now that 'older men" are generally in nursing homes sadwink

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