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MIL and birth: what to do?

(81 Posts)
notagain15 Tue 07-Jul-15 12:45:03

With our 1st child, we had problems; MIL came to the hospital, during delivery, uninvited. And then turned up the next night, our first at home, when we'd asked her to stay in a hotel (saying that of course she'd be with us for later visits; we welcome her all the time). I got distressed at her being there. She's a v bad guest. DH took her side: she must stay; how dare I make her unwelcome, etc. He wouldn't speak to me for days...

So, due again very soon. (More fool me, you might say, but MIL conflict is our only real marital problem, so i'm prepared to work at it.) My parents have now moved locally. To take the pressure off, they offer for her to stay with them, to help entertain 1st grandchild if we're at hospital etc. I pass this on. She's hurt & angry: 'No, I won't come if I can't stay here; i'm not excited this time anyway', etc. DH, despite helping come up with the plan in advance, sees her reaction and again says I've been cruel to her and is barely speaking to me. I don't want to say 'stay here' but, equally, around the birth, I won't be able to deal with the stress of DH being an arse because he's feeling sore about his mum so wonder about the path of least resistance. Any wise words?

ScorpioMermaid Tue 07-Jul-15 12:48:50

I can't think of anything particularly helpful other than your DH was an arse to you last time and is being one now if he can't see that you need space/time etc with the baby and is more bothered about upsetting his mum than upsetting you. he needs to have a word with himself! hope you're ok thanks

ScorpioMermaid Tue 07-Jul-15 12:49:55

NOT upsetting his mum I meant there..

jennyperru Tue 07-Jul-15 12:54:40

I know you say it's your only marital problem, but not speaking to you for days when you've just given birth is a fairly major 'only' problem.

I think I'd let his precious mummy stay at yours - and take myself and my kids off to your parents for some consenting!

mugglingalong Tue 07-Jul-15 12:55:07

Stay at your parents and let dh and MIL take the brunt of the toddler? Not ideal but at least you have a choice over where you stay.

jennyperru Tue 07-Jul-15 12:55:28

Cossetting even. Bloody autocorrect!

MatildaTheCat Tue 07-Jul-15 12:57:34

Your DP is being a real arse. Ask him to imagine being in labour, giving birth etc and would he like your mother to be in attendance, uninvited and in helpful?

Come up with a plan to include her with childcare etc and be super grateful. The idea of her staying at your DP sounds good. However, your DH needs a good kick up the arse.

mojo17 Tue 07-Jul-15 12:58:12

You have a massive dh problem
How dare he put you through that!
I second going to your mums she can be the gatekeeper and look after you the way you should
No way should mil stay and it's about time your dh backed you up

Meerka Tue 07-Jul-15 12:58:59

DH took her side: she must stay; how dare I make her unwelcome, etc. He wouldn't speak to me for days..

What? when you had a newborn?


I'd be inclined to go into labour and be damned sure that I didn't tell either of them.

This is your time.

you are the one entitled to decide what you want during labour, who you want to be there, and what happens in the few days after. It's polite to tell your own mother and your MIL what happens, but it is absolutely your right to say who turns up when.

It's also your right to have a husband who supports you in this.

I suggest you lay the law down to him and if he can't handle it do exactly what previous posters said - go to your mothers and let them get on with it on their own. And to make sure I went to another hospital for the labour.

shovetheholly Tue 07-Jul-15 12:59:00

I am just appalled by these stories of MILs barging in on a delivery. It's awful, rude, selfish, utterly distressing... I would go mad! I think your DH needs to realise that giving birth is not a scones-and-tea kind of affair, and that you need the environment and people around you who make you feel comfortable at that time.

In your shoes, I think I'd surround myself with my family and girlfriends and refuse to let either DH or his awful mother anywhere near me!

BathtimeFunkster Tue 07-Jul-15 12:59:32

You move to your parents with your toddler and leave your wanker of a husband to suck up to his real wife mother.

Have a long think about ever going back to a man who treats you so badly.

wallaby73 Tue 07-Jul-15 13:00:03

Echo the pp - not speaking to you for days i'd say is a very major issue, sounds like your DH is an arsehole and what's more, you make it sound "normal"...

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Tue 07-Jul-15 13:00:21

Your DP is being a dick. My IL's live in Spain. They booked to come over my due date and asked DH if they could stay here. I said no, and explained my reasons to DH. He took them on board and helped them find somewhere else to stay, because that's what supportive partners do.

ToodleooAndPeekaboo Tue 07-Jul-15 13:06:54

My advice is stand firm. Recruit other people your DH respects (friends? Siblings? Cousins?) to reinforce to him that it's your MIL who is a totally selfish child, and turning down a perfectly comfortable, sensible option of staying with your parents. He must support you and your needs as it's what's best for the baby too.

My MIL pulled something similar with DC1. It ruined the early days with the baby. We asked her to wait until we'd had the baby and knew what state I was in, but no 'not fair' on her, apparently. I had a horrendous birth, in hospital for days, and she and FIL were at our home hours after I was, stayed for a week. I'd said no but DH had given in. I got bad PND, definitely not helped by what felt like a gross imposition that I didn't want in those early days.

Second time I made DH tell her we'd let her know when she could stay, but due to the stress of last time it would be a couple of weeks after the birth. Or she could stay at a hotel and visit for an hour or two just like everyone else, including all my local family who'd been told I really needed space and time this time.

Your DH is being a tool. You need to really get this across to him. Why are your MIL's selfish needs more important than yours as a newly delivered mother? You are the opposite of cruel. Entirely reasonable, and much more flexible than I would be!

BeautifulBatman Tue 07-Jul-15 13:07:06

I cannot believe what I read on here about MILs. Mine wouldn't even come to the hospital (actually my own DM wouldn't) unless I specifically asked them to. Not that I'd mind,mid happily have both if them in the delivery room tbh. Tell your 'D'H what an inconsiderate arse he's being. If he doesn't do as you wish at such a time, he needs to fuck off to his mother's and stay there himself.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 07-Jul-15 13:09:21

Sorry, but I would go completely nuclear at your husband. How very fucking dare he put this type of pressure on you, and especially at this time. I would hand him his arse on a plate. I might expand it into phoning MIL and telling her to get a fucking grip too.

On a practical level; I think the earlier suggestion that she does indeed stay at yours with her precious little mummy's boy and her grandchild, whilst you go to your parents to be cared for rather than be expected to play host to an arsey fuckwitted woman, is an excellent one. She gets what she said she wanted, he gets to pander to mummy, and both of them are left in no doubt that you will not be treated like shit on their shoes. And you will get the care and understanding that your husband has proven so incapable of providing. Seriously, you do NOT have to suck this up!

Oh, and make it clear to the hospital when you are in labour that she is not to be allowed in and he is not allowed to countermand that. Then your parents can be gatekeepers once you are at theirs.

His behaviour is utterly appalling. Do not let him get away with such disrespect.

Gemauve Tue 07-Jul-15 13:09:43

DH took her side: she must stay; how dare I make her unwelcome, etc. He wouldn't speak to me for days

Tell him that if he wants to sleep with his mother instead of you, there is nothing apart from the laws on incest stopping him from doing so. He's a pathetic child.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Tue 07-Jul-15 13:10:37

Do you have to tell her when you go into labour? We didn't. Just phoned when the baby was born. I didn't want anyone knowing how dilated my cervix was!

littlejessie Tue 07-Jul-15 13:18:12

Also appalled at some of the mil / birth stories on here!!

I'm just posting to suggest you take your toddler with you to your parent's... It will be important for your existing child to bond with the new baby and be around for those first days if possible.

if you can't trust DH to back you in such an important scenario he needs to understand there could potentially be lasting consequences. A week with mummy may just give him the kick up the arse he very clearly needs.

I feel really outraged on your behalf that even after what happened last time (turning up during labour ffs!!), your DH is continuing to participate in her crazy control games by enabling her to have her own way again.

It's not on, OP.

nottheOP Tue 07-Jul-15 13:19:09

I don't get this on MN. It isn't just your baby, it's your DH's too. Both families are allowed to be excited and I think they should all be able to share in this unless you've had a particularly awful birth experience. You shouldn't be able to only include your own family who live locally, just because you're the Mum.

My DH's family came to stay as soon as they could get flights at 1 week and 3 weeks old. I wouldn't have dreamt of saying no.

Backforthis Tue 07-Jul-15 13:19:33

I think someone needs to have very strong words with your DH. He wouldn't speak to you for days when you had just given birth? WTAF?

I would suggest he goes and stays at the hotel with your MIL because that is the nicest thing I can think to say about this man.

Backforthis Tue 07-Jul-15 13:21:20

Did you actually read the post NottheOP? Try again.

PhoebeMcPeePee Tue 07-Jul-15 13:22:16

I has similar with my mil (who is incidentally lovely) when they stayed a week after I'd had dc1 and I swore I wouldn't let it happen again. When ds2 arrived they stayed at ours 2 nights whilst I was in hospital but left before I came home & would have gone to a b&b had I come out early. I'm afraid this was presented as a non-negotiable to my DH & as the one giving birth, recovering, establishing feeding etc, my needs trumped theirs in this instance.

pootlebug Tue 07-Jul-15 13:22:42

nottheOP - but they have suggested that his mother can stay with her parents and help look after other grandchild….so all grandparents would be equally far away and equally involved?

Boosiehs Tue 07-Jul-15 13:24:50

I totally agree with the majority of posters here.

No way would I want my MIL at the hospital during delivery. they came to hospital for a short visit as i was in for a few days, then waited until I came home for short visits in the next few days.

I realise its not just my baby, but seeing as I'm the one who is having to go through birth and feel at my absolute worst, I don't want people hanging around who I don't feel absolutely comfortable in front of.

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