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What would you do?(22 Posts)
First time poster so please be gentle, and apologies, it's long....
Have been with DP for 18mths. Messy start to the relationship, he had a partner but they had split up due to him not wanting to get married or have kids, they were still living together as he needed to find a job after graduating from Uni (he's late 30's, I'm 35) he found a job, came to stay with me for a 'few weeks' but everything went well so he moved in with me and DC's permanently at the end of April '14. At the end of March he went to stay with his sister for the weekend as it was her birthday. It was a bit too soon for meeting the family so I didn't go, was absolutely fine with that. To cut a long story short, last night I found some strong evidence on social media that what I thought was his ex girlfriend by that point was also there that weekend, He didn't mention anything at the time. She lives quite far away from said sister so won't have just been popping by or anything.
I don't know how I feel about this, Should something that happened that long ago have an impact on what is now a strong relationship? I have no doubts that he loves me, tells me so all the time, tells me that he's so happy here with me and the kids, makes me feel loved BUT there's a voice inside telling me that what appears to be going away with his 'ex' girlfriend for the weekend when I was under the impression that we were in an exclusive relationship is a shitty thing to do. They were together for a long time so I appreciate that she will have been close to his family, but it's still messing my head up.
I really don't want to cause an argument about this but I'm feeling so confused. Any advice is greatly appreciated and thanks for taking the time to read.
I think you should have it out with him.
No doubt he will say, his sister wanted her there and he didn't tell you incase you got upset about it.
Could you have gone if you wanted? Was he open to that idea? Did his family know they were apart at that point in time?
Are you saying you were living with him for nearly a year but it was too soon to meet his family?
Whose idea it was yours or his?
Was he keen for you to go?
His ds and ex are probably friends. I'd ask him outright if it's still on your mind.
I think he wants you in a separate compartment in his life. I think it very odd that you live with someone over a year and it is too soon to meet his family! If that was his strange statement I should be very wary.
I was confused by this bit?
The party was March prior to moving in? Surely not a year after living together?
They have been together 18 months. The party was only last March- unless I am reading it wrongly.
I would assume that you meet family before you move in. Certainly as soon as you move in together it can't be 'too soon'. I wouldn't want to move in with anyone before meeting their family and knowing them properly- it tells you a lot about them.
I think unless you open the discussion with him regarding this it will eat away at you and possibly cause further problems down the line. Maybe you are apprehensive to do this because you are aware there may be more to it than them being at the same gathering.
The party was at the end of last March, at that point we were still in the lets-see-if-this-works stage of living together as the original intention was that he'd stay with me until he got some money behind him to rent somewhere close by. We decided at the end of April to make it a permanent thing. At that point we'd been together four months.
If he was still with his ex when you got together I wouldn't be surprised if he had cheated on you. I also find it odd that you were in a serious enough relationship to live with him (and have him live with your children) but not meet his family?
Do you mean that in March '14 after you had been together for four months that he went to his sister's without you? Or March '15? I am really confused with the timeline on this!
Ah - I can see you meant he went to a party 16 months ago, and you recently found evidence that his ex was there? I wouldn't even think about it to be honest If things are great, then why open something up that may be nothing? Assume you have since met his family?
Sorry! Yes, it was in March '14 he went to the party without me.
Well. All I can say is that it wouldn't be what I'd want. It sounds very much like a man hedging his bets - which fits with the rest of it, based on the descriptions you've given. 'Split with his ex but still living together' is SUCH a cliché, for a start - I wonder how confident you are that he didn't simply cheat on her with you, then jump ship when it all looked as if it was going to work out? Similar with the party. The point is - he didn't tell you the truth. Whether that was because he cheated (or, was still stringing both of you along???) or because he was still emotionally involved with her in some way and didn't want the hassle of explaining it to you - it's bad.
It all points to a slightly dishonest character with a knack of fence sitting. At best. At worst - a cheat.
And I think this is what is eating away at you. It is SO telling that you emphasise how much you believe in him using these words - 'he TELLS me he loves me all the time, TELLS me he's happy here with the kids...' telling people things is easy isn't it? He told you he was visiting his sister. He took a very definite decision not to tell you his ex was, too.
I have one rule which has always served me well. Don't get involved with liars. And don't give liars who choose to lie a second chance.
If this was all March and April '14 and all has been fine since then I wouldn't even worry about it tbh. It sounds like it was a period of adjustment for you both then anyway so she was probably still on the family scene if they'd been together for some time. (a friend of mine and her ex-SIL both recently went out to lunch with their ex-PILs (ie both women had been the DILs of the older couple, long divorced but still in touch) as the ex-PILs were in the area on holiday. BOTH of the older couple's sons joined them too at the last minute so they were both there with their ex-PILs and ex-husbands. A very lovely nostalgic if weird time was had, nothing inappropriate happened. They didn't tell their now DHs. No harm done.)
Assuming you have met the family now,nothing to arouse suspicion has happened since regarding the presence of the ex and things have been going well since he moved in I would put it behind you.As you said,it had a messy start,4 months in maybe things were still messy.
It sounds like you have both made a commitment by him moving in with you and DCs.Interesting that he is living a family-type life now if that is the reason why he left his ex,or maybe he just did not want that kind of commitment with her?
Thank you. My instincts are telling me that this happened a long time ago during a messy period, for which I am obviously partly to blame.
He's done absolutely nothing to make me think that's he's done anything untoward. We are both crazily in love and he treats me so well. Only this weekend he was saying how much he loves the DC's (16yr old DS and 14yr old DD) so I'm really loathe, however much it's playing on my mind, to drag up something from the past when our relationship was fairly new and uncertain.
Just forget it. It really is not important if everything has been good for so long. Being a man, he probably won't even remember what you are talking about ...
How did you find out she was there? Had he invited you to his sisters?
The party scenario worries me far less than....he was already in a relationship when you met, he didnt want to commit to her yet you moved him into your kids home after 4 months. How is this going to end well?!
I'm fairly certain she was there as I've just started following his sister on Twitter. In her feed is a pic posted a couple of days after the weekend in question. In the pic ex girlfriend is holding a very rare bottle of whisky that I accompanied him to a specialist whisky shop to buy the day before he left to go to his sisters. Next to no chance of just finding this in the local off licence so can only presume it's the same bottle he bought which he told me at the time was drunk that weekend. You can also see his wallet on the table. And no, I wasn't invited to his sisters.
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