Can love work between the classes?

[matchgirl]

I am 31 and a post grad student in London at present, originally from Scotland and from a pretty poor back ground, glasgow council scheme, free school meals, Dad was out of work at times that sort of thing. Not complaining at all love my folks and they did everything to make my life better but just giving you an idea of my situation.

Anyway I have met a guy in London last autumn, through some friends I have at Uni he is 37, single and works as a journalist no problem but he is posh, not just a bit but like Eton posh, really rich, he is much posher than he is rich.

When we met it was a total thunderbolt for both of us, lust at first sight I don't think he let go of my hand for about 10 minutes when introduced. It was crazy, never have experienced anything like that before.

We started seeing each other very quietly at first, I think we both felt it couldn't last but it did and it actually went pretty quickly from just a sex thing to something more, yes there was culture clash but also real friendship, desire and we fell in love.

It has been great, he is a really lovely man and when it is just us two its is great no real barrier but we both realise that things are getting serious between us and he wants us to think about a real future together. I am thrilled but it wouldn't just be him I would be marrying but his whole family, his social circle and his job and it would be in London, forever not Glasgow with my family. I don't mind but I worry that I would have to change my identity to fit in with him and his life. His older brother makes it plain he can't stand me and makes little digs at me when he thinks he won't be overheard. His Mother on the other hand seems to adore me and finds me charming so go figure.

I am not used to fancy places and got a very gentle telling off for piling up plates for the waitress in a fancy restaurant and my accent embarresses me at times, Kirsty Young I ain't.

These are all minor I suppose but I am back home visiting my parents they have met him and think he is lovely but they both are worried I will feel isolated if I marry him.

I don't really have doubts about him or our feelings but I wonder can it really work with such a gulf between our background? Will he be looking at all the elegant Imogens and Felicitys in a few years wondering why he married a peasent like me?

[matchgirl]

sorry meant to say above not really rich, much posher than he is rich.

[PushingThru]

Don't do it. The brother being a bitch & the 'telling off' for the plates suggests undermining you is fine. It'll only progress into worse. X

[PushingThru]

Posh people who don't have money will try to find it, too.

[matchgirl]

Not quite what I want to hear Pushing thru but I take your point, boyfriend is always lovely to me, I do feel loved and wanted by him but his brothers attitude does upset me.

[HelenaDove]

The brother sounds like a right twunt.

[ColdCottage]

I think its something you need to talk through together, the big things like how you would bring up children, schools, religion, structure etc. views on spending money, priorities for life, how and were you live long term. Family values...

Also the brother issue and how you feel out of place (this should change with time and confidence).

Perhaps couples therapy to work it through with a third party.

[PushingThru]

Sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh. It just happened to me & the coldness of these people when they close ranks is astonishing.

[MrsLeighHalfpenny]

It will work if one of you is prepared to adapt to the other's way of life. Otherwise, as a couple, you'll find you don't fit in anywhere.

[Postchildrenpregranny]

William and Kate seem fine ....
Of course you can make it work.My dad worked as farm labourer then on a building site . My mum cleaned ..I was brought up in a council house ..I am Uni educated and married a man from middle class family (I'm much better educated than him) Not such a big gulf perhaps and my Welsh accent is more of a lilt but my in laws and rest of the family were always very welcoming .Snide remarks show up BIL not you . Your DP obviously loves you the way you are .You will get more confident (and probably more ' polished' if that matters) as the years go by and your relationship strengthens .And if you are doing post grad it sounds as though you will establish a career they should respect .Good Luck.Be happy

[matchgirl]

The brother is awful, he isn't a big fan of his older brother himself.

We have kind of talked about things and it isn't so terrible in a sense I think he wants me to do things differently when we have kids he hated boarding school and how distant his parents where when he was growing up and wants a much closer family life, kids at home. I am RC and he is CofE but that isn't a major issue. Politics is where we clash most he is a Tory and I am very left wing that has caused a few arguments but then no more than it would if we voted diffrently and were the same class.

I do appreciate you honesty Pushing Thru and will remember what you say.

[PushingThru]

Why should you become more 'polished'; why should you change to suit him? It will alienate you from your family, background & identity. You don't need to do that.

[StupidBloodyKindle]

What does your boyfriend say about his brother? Has he picked up on it? Has he confirmed you are not imagining his dislike? How often do they see each other? Has his brother got a gf/bf and what is her/his attitude to you?
coldcottage has it right...example question, you have a child together....would he insist on boarding school and how would you feel about that?

[matchgirl]

Our gulf is pretty wide, a bit more than Kate and William although not so long ago it would have been impossible for them I suppose!

I think I do need to work hard to establish my own life in London, career and friends so I don't end up only mixing with his set. That feels important to stay connected to my background and so I don't end up feeling like a curiosity!

[StupidBloodyKindle]

x-post

[matchgirl]

I don't want to lose my identity although I guess it would be nice not to stick out like a sore thumb if he takes me to a do.

My boyfriend thinks his older brother is an arse, older brothers wife is very nice but not especially friendly. I just don't think these people have it out the way my family would it is all swept under the carpet. The don't see each other so often but their Mother is quite elderly now and so she likes everyone round quite a bit, she is a lovely woman.

My boyfriend isn't keen on boarding school, hated it himself but there is pressure to keep up tradition. I am not keen at all, not even keen on the idea of Private School but might need to meet him half way.

[Lucy61]

Pushing through- your comment about 'these people' closing rank and being cold etc is prejudiced and, in my view, unacceptable. You would have received a huge flaming had 'these people', as you referred to them, been working class. Being posh doesn't mean being fair game.

Op- he loves you, his mum thinks your great so what if his brother is a d**k. That's probably to do with the relationship between the brothers being dysfunctional rather than a reflection on you. I'd be deeply saddened if my partner had questioned our relationship because of one of my siblings being off.
As for political views, the best conversations come about when two people have different views and can articulate them well. The friction between your views will spark rich debate and discussion in your home for years to come. Embrace it and teach your dcs (realise I'm jumping the gun) to think for themselves.

I'm not posh, far from it, but I believe that diversity and giving people diff to us a chance is important. How off would it sound if this was a 'reverse' and he had posted his doubts about his working class gf and her family.

[Lucy61]

*you're

[matchgirl]

Lucy thank you for that you are right I am being unforgivably prejudiced, I am just scared I think not of being with my boyfriend but the unknown perhaps. I think you are right about our differences being a good thing I am just having a tiny wobble after long chat with my parents, who are possibly a bit worried about losing me.

[BitOfFun]

Why do you assume you have to be the one to make compromises?

[matchgirl]

Just that we might not always see things the same way, for example i think Private Schools are unfair and just perpetuate the unequality in the UK for him it is his duty to ensure his kids have all the advantages he did. Also I intended to return to Scotland after my course finished, now I will have to live in London, for the rest of my life most likely it isn't what I planned but I love him and want to be with him, I can work anywhere but his work is in London.

[avocadotoast]

Postchildren, William and Kate aren't really the same as this situation though. Her parents are still millionaires!

OP, I think it would be difficult, but it can work. Tbh the politics thing would put me off - it's such a massive thing and will seep into other areas of your lives. What about money, children etc? Will you clash there?

[HelenaDove]

The politics thing would put me off too. Im left wing and wouldnt consider dating someone so different.

Agree with Avocado It will come up in other areas of your lives.

[matchgirl]

I think we are fine with children we both want them and he likes the idea of a closer family. Money god I don't know. He isn't very rich compared to his friends but he might as well be a billionare compared to me, I have hee haw! I am living with him at the moment in his flat in North London and he won't take any rent or money for bills off me. I kept my own room in student digs until may when I gave it up at the end of the contract. He persuaded me to move in over the summer now he wants us to get married and for me to stay. I do buy food and cook quite a bit. The money thing is a bit strange because I will never make what he does, he doesn't seem to care.

[matchgirl]

Never imagined I could love a Tory but I do.

[perfectlybroken]

I think it can work with 2 people from different backgrounds. You need to be clear what he expects of you and if that's something you can do, and also make it clear what you expect of him. You may have to accept that there is some level.of discomfort with wider family and social situations, but perhaps that is tolerable if the relationship is good. It sounds like you are on a similar page in terms of family life.