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Please tell me if I am not being fair.

(19 Posts)
cansu Mon 06-Jul-15 18:43:24

Situation is this. We both work full time. Dp gets home before me as he finished earlier and also has less after school commitments in terms of meetings he has to attend. So today he gets in at 3, sorts our eldest who is autistic. He usually does this two evenings every week. The other three days we have a carer. I have meeting until 5pm. Check phone before leaving to collect youngest from after school club. Find two ranty messages complaining that we need more juice for kids and where am I? Why aren't I answering? I phone and explain meeting just finished, am setting off,further ranting ensues. Explain again, set off, collect dd and call in supermarket to pick up juice and a few other bits. Arrive home to dp complaining and ranting about time (6.10) by this time so it took me an hour. Just travel home without collecting dd takes 30 minutes so this is pretty standard if you include collecting dd and calling to get few groceries.

I usually take it tbh, but I saw red. No acknowledgement that I might be tired after a long day, that I have done what I had to do. I really shouted at him back and feel so angry that he has caused a massive row with this. Of course I would rather not attend long after school meeting, but this is part of requirements of my job. I can't opt out. Plus the most galling thing is that all dp wants is to retire upstairs to rest and listen to music or sleep. I know that when I get home this is all he wants. He will reappear about 7pm.

This is just one of many problems in our relationship. Last year I worked more locally so was always first one home. This is different now because I had to move jobs due to redundancy. I don't have a choice. I have changed my hours for next year so will have two afternoons off, but until then am stuck with this. Of course last year, I didn't make all this bloody fuss about being home first. Of course last year, he would come home complaining how tired he was and would disappear upstairs as usual. He is a massive PITA and I feel such fury at this shit. Is there anyway I am being unfair?

m0therofdragons Mon 06-Jul-15 18:49:53

Overall you are not bu but can I ask - did dh know when to expect you?
Dh used to have an hour commute getting home at 6.15pm ish.sometimes he'd get stuck in a meeting and call at 6pm to say he's just leaving. I'd go nuts at him. Mostly because at the time I had a newborn twins and a toddler and had been counting down to his arrival home. If I had warning he'd be late I'd plan for it. Not so bad now dc are older.

Duckdeamon Mon 06-Jul-15 18:51:49

Sorry you're having problems in the relationship.

He certainly shouldn't have phoned you at work "ranting" to complain about there not being juice. I wouldn't have gone to the supermarket in the circumstances.

When you say he goes upstairs to listen to music when you're there to sort out the DC , is this a lot of the time you're there? Does he give you breaks too?

Does he otherwise usually do his fair share of childcare and housework?

I don't think shouting at him will help mind you.

redexpat Mon 06-Jul-15 18:56:48

You both work full time, you have an autistic son so that is a lot. Theres not much time to catch your breath in those circumstances.

Do you get an hour out of yoour very full day too? Who deals with ds in the morning?

You need to find out why he is so cross about something which is beyond your control. Did he know in advance that you had a meeting? Are you normally back at 530 or earlier?

Its good that you have different hours next year. Is there a reason that he cant suck this up for 3 more weeks?

m0therofdragons Mon 06-Jul-15 18:57:51

Tbf I'm a horrible wife. Dh just got home and I've come upstairs for a rest while he baths the dc. He bought them matey bubble bath - I'm allergic to it so he does all the baths at the moment. He's on his lunch break from work as he's on a late shift. I should really tidy downstairs but it can wait. We're all allowed off days. Wait until you've calmed down and ask if you can chat about how you can share the needs of the dc and house when you both work.

cansu Mon 06-Jul-15 19:07:32

He does know, but chooses to moan about this every week. I think because he doesn't work somewhere that has meetings etc he simply refuses to get it. No I don't get any time off during the day. He spends most of his time upstairs whenever he can really. He does some things around the house but it is far from a fair share. I think he just can't take doing some of what I have always done when I worked closer to home. of course when this was the case, I didn't complain at all and actually really liked being home first so I could tidy up and get organised. He baths our eldest, but then sits and waits for me, clock watching all the time. I have tried to address this by going part time so I will have the two afternoons off. There is however no recognition that I get up v early in the morning to get kids stuff ready for school, make packed lunch and pack school bags. I often have no time to sit and eat whilst dp gets up, sorts himself out with little pressure. I am fed up with being criticised for simply working. We cant afford for me not to work.

Janette123 Mon 06-Jul-15 19:15:20

All this sounds very stressful to me.
Have you thought about increasing your carer's hours to give yourselves a bit of a break?

cansu Mon 06-Jul-15 19:20:19

Would like to do this, but can't afford it tbh. Plus dp would probably object and say it was a waste of money. He doesn't like them being here particularly. He just wants me to be here so he can go upstairs.

dollius Mon 06-Jul-15 19:45:25

It sounds like he thinks he is doing you some sort of favour by looking after his own children. Have you told him that? Why does he think he should get down time when you don't? Why does he not do his fair share around the house? How does he explain that? Does he think it is all "women's work"?

cansu Mon 06-Jul-15 20:06:41

Yes he does. He often tells me that he is a great father. I think he does see getting home earlier as a favour or help to me. He often says I am taking the piss when I get home because he has bathed ds or unloaded dishwasher. If I go out he is usually unpleasant as this means he has to put dd to bed before he can go upstairs. He is basically very sexist. I should also say that he is himself aspergers and finds it v difficult to see other people's perspectives, but I am pretty tired of it all. I have often told him that if he is struggling and is likely to be horrible that he should decide not to say anything while he has thought about it properly. He seems to have less control and awareness than he used to so feels like he doesn't want to make the effort. He functions OK at work and is aware of what is and isnt acceptable.

Handywoman Mon 06-Jul-15 20:28:47

My ex believed he was doing me an enormous favour by looking after his dc.

It's a pretty fundamental problem, that one. Going part-time is only a sticking plaster, really, because at the heart of it is lack of respect.

Very hard to have an equal or supportive relationship with that dynamic.

Time for a frank discussion. Which, if he has Aspergers, shouldn't be too hard?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Mon 06-Jul-15 20:37:10

I have tried to address this by going part time so I will have the two afternoons off.

You reduced your working hours to enable him to be more lazy? Eh?

cansu Mon 06-Jul-15 20:45:54

I have arranged to bepart time so I can be home two afternoons for the children. I know it seems ridiculous but it is perhaps also good for me as I feel like there is no give at all at the moment. I am always rushing, whether it be rushing to work and to drop off in the morning, rushing home because I know he will be sitting there with a face like a slapped arse. I have had enough of it. He is incredibly entitled and lazy about his need to rest etc. It is total bullshit. I intend to use part of my time off to destress a bit. The other strange thing was I did encourage him to reduce his hours instead. He used to bitch when I just worked 4 days that it wasnt fair and why couldnt he go part time, but of course when it came to actually doing it he decided he dint want to lose the money!

dollius Mon 06-Jul-15 20:50:23

Basically he is a twat. So, what do you want to do about this?

cansu Mon 06-Jul-15 20:57:36

Yes I agree. I don't know. At the moment I am choosing to call him out on this shit. Long term I think I may eventually decide I can't live with him anymore. As always it is complicated. Both children have ASD and that means change is hard. His aspergers makes him more difficult to talk to about anything. I am starting to save again so that I will have some more money of my own for when I decide I need it urgently.

dollius Tue 07-Jul-15 20:27:56

How are you now cansu? Have you had any further discussions with your H about his ludicrous, entitled behaviour? Has he been able to enlighten you as to why he gets to be king of the castle while you do all the actual work? Hope you are ok...

cansu Wed 08-Jul-15 17:07:23

Thanks dollius. I'm OK. I have tried to talk to him about all his crap. As usually happens, he tries to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend it hasn't happened. I have laid out my hours clearly for him and told him to move out if he doesn't like it. Has gone quiet and sulky now...

LazyLouLou Wed 08-Jul-15 18:03:28

Could you make lists... show him the inequity?

Handywoman Wed 08-Jul-15 23:03:43

Sorry to hear, cansu.

I hope you can get a proper response out of him- you deserve nothing less. Sulking is crap.

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