Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

To stop abusive xh seeing our dc?

(75 Posts)
Hadenough15 Mon 06-Jul-15 17:49:33

Stbxh is an abusive prick. He's beaten me up and threatened me so many times in front of our dc,

A few months ago he had them for the weekend, on the Sunday he was 2 hours late (I had to collect from the park). He drove up to the side of me being abusive and threatening to kill me, all while the kids were with me.

He doesn't stick to seeing them, and can go weeks without actually asking too. He "can't" have them overnight, and when he does have them it's for 3 hours most until he gets bored.

He has a new gf. Been with her about 2 months. He's messaging me abuse because I don't want her around them. This is a woman who has sent me vile messages threatening me. They are both as bad as each other.

To top it off he doesn't pay a single penny, because "paying me is at the bottom of his list" and he "can't afford it".

I'm sick of him making my children cry. They haven't asked once to see him.

His family have all blocked me on fb so are obv not bothered.

He just messaged me "I'm taking your fat *** arse to court you stupid c.u.n.t"

prh47bridge Mon 06-Jul-15 18:06:15

If he does take you to court for contact they will not be interested in whether or not he pays any maintenance. Being abusive to you is not necessarily relevant as it could be avoided (at least in front of the children) by using a third party for handovers. The fact you don't want them to spend any time with his new girlfriend is also not relevant. He can't control who your children see while they are with you and you can't control who they see while they are with him. So you may need to reconcile yourself to the children having contact with him.

I understand where you are coming from but remember that contact is for the children's benefit. They have a right to a relationship with their father.

Hadenough15 Mon 06-Jul-15 18:10:53

No they don't. Not when my son is asking when is daddy going burn our house down, or why has daddy broken stuff ect.

It's all recorded. He can take me court. But over my dead body will he have anything to do with them anytime soon!

Fairy13 Mon 06-Jul-15 18:11:04

Children have a right to access to their father if that is safe.

Practically I would say meet in neutral places, use third parties. Ban all contact apart from regarding DC. Speak with your solicitor regarding non molestation order.

Keep a diary of all missed contacts, late contacts, changes in behaviours.
It is emotional abuse for the children to be witnessing DV and him being ahusive to you so third party handovers are a must.

I am in same boat but trying to be totally subjective and put in as many safeguards as possible whilst still allowing contact.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 06-Jul-15 18:14:42

Talk to Women's AId who will be able to advise you. Hang on to as much evidence as possible of this prick's bad behaviour eg nasty texts or emails. If there have been times when the police had to come because of his violence, or you had to have medical treatment, log that as well.
Contact can be arranged with third-party handovers or at a contact centre, and that's quite often a good way of getting rid of these abusive fathers: when they can't intimidate their XPs at handover, or get everything their own way, they move on and disappear.

SmillasSenseOfSnow Mon 06-Jul-15 18:15:23

Stop doing handovers personally. Detach. Keep any messages to him strictly to contact and not to do with his girlfriend or whatever. If he's only picking them up for the opportunity to abuse you then he may not want to see them anymore anyway once you're no longer putting yourself in that situation, because someone else is doing the handover.

SmillasSenseOfSnow Mon 06-Jul-15 18:16:07

X-post with SGB.

Hadenough15 Mon 06-Jul-15 18:17:38

Just had a text message telling me if I don't let him see the kids he will take me court, if that doesn't work he will pay someone £100 to shoot me..

meglet Mon 06-Jul-15 18:19:58

Speak to the police every time he threatens you. Keep every text message and speak to womens aid.

Consider using a contact centre.

The police were fab when I showed them the text messages from XP, they fined him and had a serious word with him. It's all on record.

Luckily my abusive XP lost interest when I made an appointment at a contact centre and hasn't seen them in 6yrs.

have you called the police?

Fairy13 Mon 06-Jul-15 18:22:03

Call 101 and report it.
Call women's aid and get advice.
Suggest some contact that you feel would be safe. A day at grandparents house? Hand over to grandparents, pick up from them once he has left, not overnight, another adult supervising.

Promote contact where you can where it is safe. He can take you to court all he wants, you are doing nothing wrong keeping your children safe.

hesterton Mon 06-Jul-15 18:25:42

At least he is giving you evidence. Involve the police now - that's an extremely nasty threat.

Do you have good real life support?

Can you say supervised access at a centre only using these threats as a reason? He sounds like the kind of bastards who will drop away rather than have supervised access.

downgraded Mon 06-Jul-15 18:26:39

If you're convinced you're doing the right thing OP then why post?

Report all the abuse to the police.

Don't initiate contact with him, but if he wants to see the kids and the kids want to see him you should be facilitating it within reason.

If the kids don't want to see him then refuse contact, let him take you to court, and start getting your case together why the best thing for your DC is to cut contact with him.

You need to get straight in your head what is relevant here and what not. Anything involving you but not the kids isn't relevant, the money is also not relevant. The children's relationship with their father is the only thing the court will look at.

SabrinnaOfDystopia Mon 06-Jul-15 18:40:46

I don't think men that beat up/threaten the lives of their dc's mother do deserve contact, and the children will almost certainly be better off without a violent man as a father. Growing up watching their father beat/abuse/threaten their mother does untold damage to children's well-being and future relationships as adults.

Report the threat to your life to the police now OP - they will take it seriously. Women's Aid is a good port of call too.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 06-Jul-15 18:51:57

Go to the police now about that threat. If the children are frightened of him then that is a legitimate reason to restrict contact. The lack of maintenance isn't.

SylvaniansAtEase Mon 06-Jul-15 18:53:29

Well he's playing right into your hands. Your last post records and EXTREMELY serious threat. Please go straight to the police, now - it will indicate how seriously you take this and how threatened you feel - don't wait a few weeks then pull it out with an 'oh, and he sent this too...' - go straight to the police right now and see what they say.

Threats to kill are taken seriously. He may have just got himself in a lot of trouble.

FujimotosElixir Mon 06-Jul-15 18:57:40

^ what they all say,x my place.

BabyFeets Mon 06-Jul-15 18:59:18

Op you should report that to police.
There was a story I read of a man who shot dead his ex and the children because she wouldn't let him see them because he was abusive. He probably have threats before doing it.
Don't take these threats as empty, he already has a history of dv against you.
Stay safe x

Hadenough15 Mon 06-Jul-15 19:01:52

Rang the police! I rang a month ago and apparently the officer went an warned him last week.. Obv not made any difference! The woman on the phone was shocked at how the officer had handled the whole thing, I.e not letting me know he was warned ect!

downgraded Mon 06-Jul-15 19:02:40

Well then ring again. Obviously the first warning didn't work and hopefully they will go in a bit heavier this time.

CheeseandGherkins Mon 06-Jul-15 19:06:53

I would honestly call the police over that text. Get everything recorded properly. That is not acceptable at all and will go against him. Don't delete the text.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 06-Jul-15 19:10:18

He can be taken to court and made to leave you alone whether or not he is awarded contact time by a court. As others said, report this threat and every single incident to the police and get WA to help you with sorting out a non-molestation order to keep him away.

Hadenough15 Mon 06-Jul-15 19:23:47

How do I go about a divorce? What if he refuses to sign papers? X

Ohbollocksandballs Mon 06-Jul-15 19:25:59

You must report it every single time he threatens you. I didn't and I really do regret it now.

Hadenough15 Mon 06-Jul-15 19:26:55

I'm currently waiting for a police officer to come round

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now