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DH not having an affair - for now

(118 Posts)
LaChatte Mon 06-Jul-15 17:45:41

So as not to drip feed or leave vital info until the end:

DH and I have been together 11 years, married 7, 2DCs.
I cheated on him 2 years ago with a colleague, we kissed a few times, I realised how stupid I was being, and put an end to it. DH found out a couple of months later, we worked through it, I have barely spoken to collegue since (we teach the same classes so there has been some communication, but alway in public and restricted to purely professional topics), and have avoided him like the plague.
DH and I talk a lot, including sharing our fantasies with each other.

Here is the current predicament:

DH and I are both teachers in the same school. We get on really well together, he's my best friend as well as being my husband.

This year, he's been working on a project with another teacher, so they've been spending a fair amount of time together. Frequently texting and emailing each other as well as working together at school. I have tried not be jealous, but walking into the staff room to find them huddled together giggling has been difficult for me.

I've told him I don't really want him to develop their friendship but he has told me not to worry and that she's not into him at all as she's offered to babysit for us and often says to say hi to me.

I know he finds her physically very attractive, most men who've met her do, she is always quite provocative in her way of doing things - think stripper heels, side-boobs under dungarees etc. and she's always leaning over something with her back arched and bum out (other colleagues joke about it in the staff room).

Recently a couple of colleagues have lightheartedly made comments about how much time they spend together and how close they are. I told DH and said I really really don't want him to spend time alone with her or to persue the friendship.

On Thursday evening there was an end of year do at work, I was feeling pretty awful after a long day, so didn't feel like socialising, and I ended up hiding out inside while everyone else was outside eating and drinking. DH came to find me at one point to see what I was up to, he saw that I wasn't feeling well and said we should have brought two cars, and then returned to the party. I was pretty pissed off, and decided to walk home after leaving him a note. He got home at about 21h30 as 5yoDD (who was at the party) was tired. He said he would have liked to have stayed longer and that I should have said I was leaving so he could bring DD and me home then. I was still pissed off, and said he should go back to the party as I wasn't going to be great company, so he did. He crept in at 1am (school parties generally end at 22h30/23h.

The next morning I asked how come he came home so late, so he told me some colleagues went back to one of their's "for coffee" which ended up becoming coffee and lots of booze. DH had gone to the after party in someone else's car, so couldn't leave earlier than when that driver was ready. Fair enough. He didn't drink, but said that everyone else got pretty wasted (not the person driving him though).

I then asked who was at the after party, he reeled off a couple of names, and then of course I'm sure you've guessed it, the colleague. I was annoyed, as she was there, on her own, with him on his own. She has a reputation for being outrageously flirty when she's drunk, but DH said he had never noticed. Anyway, I tried to move on and be mature about it.

Later on that day, back in the staff room, she walks in, sees DH but not me, and says "so, you see. I talk too much, even at night don't I?" Flirty giggling followed by "I hope I didn't get you into too much trouble". DH replied very quietly "you did" while furiously making gestures for her to be quiet as I was just the other side of the cupboard.

He came over to me saying it wasn't what I thought it was, so I asked what was I supposed to think, he just said that she had car pooled with him and the colleague driving to the after party, and that when they got back to the school car park, the driver dropped them off and left. He said they stayed and chatted just the two of them for a while in a dark secluded car park (he was incapable of telling me for how long).

He swears nothing has or ever will happen. I have said he either cuts contact with her or ... He is now sad because he thinks she's really nice and just wants to make friends, but he admits that the only way she seems to know how to do that is by seducing people. He doesn't want to hurt her, and thinks she won't know why he won't be his usual self around her, which he feels bad about.

It's the summer holidays here now, so I don't have to worry much until September, I have asked him to tell me if she gets in touch with him, which he's agreed to, but he's suddenly got quite cagey with his mobile which is very unusual. I don't know what to do, maybe I'm totally overreacting, he thinks I am.

Part of me thinks it's karma, and I totally deserve it (well, I probably do), but I don't want DH to have an affair to balance things out! What really annoys me is that he gets on so well with her as well as wanting to fuck her.

I need to get a grip and move on don't I? I am bloody lucky he was willing to give our relationship a chance after I fucked up.

pocketsaviour Mon 06-Jul-15 18:03:53

Do you believe him when he says nothing happened? Given the sudden phone surreptitiousness?

mynewpassion Mon 06-Jul-15 18:05:38

You cheated on him with a mutual colleague in the same school? Wow!

LaChatte Mon 06-Jul-15 18:08:14

He swears blind nothing happened, but the fact that he hid their car park thing is making me doubt him.

I know MyNew .

VixxFace Mon 06-Jul-15 18:11:08

All sounds immature. The whole thing.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 06-Jul-15 18:15:17

Yes, he gave you another chance just as I'm sure you would for him. This doesn't give him the right to walk over your feelings though.
There does seem to be more to it than meets the eye though. I'm not saying he's having an affair but he's certainly enjoying the attention from this woman. Imo this is the reason he wanted to go back when you were ill. You ill and he didn't have to look after dd anymore when he should have stayed at home, the social was only for another hour.
Strikes me as he planned it from the note tbh.

Finola1step Mon 06-Jul-15 18:18:07

The whole thing just sounds very, very messy.

To put it blunt, you don't trust your dh because you cheated yourself.

The summer break has come at the right time. You and your dh need to spend some time on your own to decide where you go from here.

All this working together, flirting with colleagues is all very unhealthy. I find it hard to believe that your colleague wears stripper heels and side boob showing dungarees in a school. Where do you teach? It all sounds like the Channel 4 "Teachers" series from awhile back (which I loved by the way).

DeanParrish Mon 06-Jul-15 18:22:03

Hi LaChatte. He may subconsciously reckon that you owe him this indiscretion.

How about having a think about why you have both crossed that line in your marriage?

I don't know if an honest chat about your future or counselling will help but it sure will soon be September and it might happen all over again. This needs to be resolved one way or another for your future's sake.

CtrlAltDelicious Mon 06-Jul-15 18:27:27

Are you the teachers or the pupils here?! Side boobs? Leaning over things while pointing bum out? Affairs with colleagues?Doesn't sound like any school I've ever been in.

DrMorbius Mon 06-Jul-15 18:34:56

I have a theory that a large number of teachers are just adult children. I guess it's the environment the have been in all their lives (school, college, uni, back to school). This post does nothing to dispel my theory.

The only thing missing from this story, are notes being passed under the desk.

LaChatte Mon 06-Jul-15 18:39:06

We're in France if that's relevant (I wear ripped jeans to work, and sometimes dye my hair pink or blue. Side boobs and stripper heels aren't that out of place). She's already been involved with another (married) colleague.

I agree, it's really immature, I just want want to stop feeling like an insecure hormonal teenager and get on with my otherwise lovely life.

I don't want to spend another year being jealous, and pushing DH to lie (until this car park incident, he'd never lied to me - well not really, he does sometimes say things he doesn't mean, just to keep the peace).

LaChatte Mon 06-Jul-15 18:45:27

AIBU in wanting him to cut contact as I have with OM, or seeing as nothing's happened, should I just trust him and leave them to their friendship?

Adult children, certainly feels that way, but I didn't get into teaching until I was 28, did plenty of non school related things until then.

littletwinkletoesx Mon 06-Jul-15 18:50:12

Side boobs and stripper heels! What subject does she teach?

LaChatte Mon 06-Jul-15 18:52:16

Science.

DeanParrish Mon 06-Jul-15 19:00:23

(Remembers own school days and science teacher....... pretty sure Sister Lucy didn't wear stripper heels or show any side boob)

Cabrinha Mon 06-Jul-15 19:01:13

Can you start by not judging a woman for the clothes she chooses?

And accept that if your husband is cheating with her, it's because he is choosing to cheat on you, not because she sticks her bum out? FFS.

I expect that he subconsciously or consciously thinks you owe him.
So I'd use the summer to talk about that.

I would say he has definitely overstepped the mark with her if he needs to silence her when she doesn't know you're within earshot.

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 06-Jul-15 19:02:30

Drama?

I feel for you op. I would spell out what will happen if he shags her - that is, if anything would happen...it's hard for you because of course he can say I didn't leave you - but definitely a lot more conversations/exploring what's really going on is important.

mynewpassion Mon 06-Jul-15 19:04:26

So much cheating and not by students on their tests.

Your head teacher needs to crack down on fraternizing among colleagues.

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jul-15 19:09:48

what kind of school is this ?

sounds like a den of iniquity

op, the only word you missed out was "slapper" or alternatively "slag"

poor show

Duckdeamon Mon 06-Jul-15 19:16:59

Yes cabrinha! Stop demonising the OW. If your husband wants a revenge affair or to flirt and make you feel bad that's between you and him.

How come you're still working at the same school as OM? All sounds unhealthy.

nozzz Mon 06-Jul-15 19:21:55

Seem to have a very low opinion of your OH.

LaChatte Mon 06-Jul-15 19:30:26

Why do I seem to have a low opinion of DH?

She doesn't look like a slapper, she pairs the heels with trousers for example, she just oozes sex appeal without being slutty iyswim and DH has a thing for feet .

Perfectly normal school. Head is aware of various extra marital relationships that have happened over the years, he doesn't seem to be surprised, or even really care.

I still work in the same school as OM as changing schools is complicated here, although OM has said next year he's asking for a transfer.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 06-Jul-15 19:48:36

It's the summer holidays here now, so I don't have to worry much until September

I suspect your dh's mobile/emails will tell a different story.

What are 'side boobs'? confused

LaChatte Mon 06-Jul-15 19:56:10

Tops which don't cover the sides of your boobs under your arms, here worn under dungarees.

Duckdeamon Mon 06-Jul-15 19:57:05

Slappers and strippers hmm

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