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This isn't normal, is it?

(52 Posts)
blondie1976 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:31:07

My H has been in a huff with me all weekend for reasons I wasn't sure off.

I didn't bother asking as his moods are very up and down so this can be regular, at least once a week, he goes in a mood then snaps out and expects everything to go back to normal.

Anyway last night he said to me he finds me to be very distant and not so lovey dovey etc with him. I tried to explain that the constant moods and silences really get me down to the point where once I would have gone out my way to appease him, now I just don't bother.

His mood turns out to be over me announcing a quiz night with work colleagues, then a friends surprise birthday party from work, he said I just put these 2 things on him?? He also brought up the fact I wouldn't lend him £1500 last year and felt this belittled him??

He is a everynight drinker (beer) and smokes hash every day/night, I reckon a lot of his swings come from the fact he can not cope with life without chemicals or alcohol! He categorically told me last night this is something he will not stop.

Im not sure how we can get around this? It is like he is blaming me for what I think he is the one causing the problems. Maybe I have become a bit distant he makes it quite hard to love him at times as he treats me like crap.

I have actually noticed a pattern of others posters on here having the same problem through drink and drugs and like most he can be a good H and father but this is usually when things are going his way and after hash.

LadyBlaBlah Mon 06-Jul-15 13:34:18

Sounds grim.

Pot head sulker who doesn't want you to do things you enjoy?

Any redeeming features?

Janette123 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:38:25

blondie1976,

"He is a everynight drinker (beer) and smokes hash every day/night, I reckon a lot of his swings come from the fact he can not cope with life without chemicals or alcohol! He categorically told me last night this is something he will not stop."

Your husband has another relationship and he's putting that before you. That relationship is with alchohol & drugs.

You need to ask yourself how long you are going to put up with another interloper in your marriage? Your husband refuses to give up the booze/drugs ( I wonder where the money is coming from?) and has told you so.

Pot makes people paranoid and from their point of view "everyone is out of step but them". You can't reason with anyone who has a drink/drug habit.

It's your call.

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jul-15 13:38:53

I would be "distant" from this bloke too

So distant I wouldn't touch him with a fucking bargepole

why have you settled for such a dickhead ?

blondie1976 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:39:18

Oh I know, it feels like he needs to pass the blame to me.

Moans I wont spend time with him, I work f/t, have a DC, there isn't a lot of spare time. At nights he will go outside to smoke hash, I sit and watch tele. He will not come on hols with us as he can not go without his hash, he admitted this himself.

I now feel like I cant do the 2 things planned for this month even though he says he would never stop me, I just don't get him anymore.

He even said we aren't working and maybe he should move out then in the same breath how much he loves us and it would kill him to be apart.

Im nearly at breaking point of telling him to go, but so worried what the reality would be without him.

0x530x610x750x630x79 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:40:15

"I'm not sure there is a way around this"
Do you really want there to be? not sure i would.

Because of my dad and his putting drinking with his mates WAAAAAAAY ahead of us i am slightly puritanical about this

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jul-15 13:40:52

he sounds shit

not sure how it would be worse without his sinking presence

QuiteLikely5 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:41:20

He needs drink and drugs to cope with the reality of day to day life. While they might be good at the time they do have their after affects which is what you are getting the brunt of.

Tbh I would hate to be with someone like that.

He's probably addicted to the hash. Coming off it can play havoc with a persons moods etc.

Seriously good luck with him because you're gonna need every ounce of it living with him........

blondie1976 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:42:36

Anyfucker ~ I ask myself that too. My mum and dad have a beautiful marriage. My dad is a fantastic man, in fact sometimes I do wonder how he manages to put up with everything he does so im not sure what makes me think this is ok.

My first boyfriend who I fell deeply (so I thought) in love with was an ex dealer, the I met H, I felt he was so different, had morals etc but quickly realised just because it was only hash he uses doesn't make it normal, he seems to be getting worse with age.

0x530x610x750x630x79 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:42:38

I did not mss my dad one bit, once he had left and normality had reverted, he wasn't there for dinner, oh well

chickenfuckingpox Mon 06-Jul-15 13:44:26

no your right its not normal

run? sounds like he is halfway out the door waiting for you to kick him out then he can blame you and people do that (i wont say men because ive known women to do it too) its a sympathy thing oh poor me she kicked me out boo hoo mines a pint

you deserve more flowers

blondie1976 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:45:32

Our DC would miss him so much, as he is so chilled etc so much he is very much the Disney dad!

But she has seen the side of him straight, which she doesn't like as in her words he is "moody" and swears.

I am seriously considering calling the bluff and getting him the housing application form.

Velociraptor Mon 06-Jul-15 13:45:47

It sounds like a horrible way to live. Unfortunately he has already told you he doesn't intend to stop, so you have two choices, put up with it or separate. I think I'd go for option 2.

YouBastardSockBalls Mon 06-Jul-15 13:46:24

You are exposing your child to this sulky druggie??
I really am sorry to judge but I can't help it.
Why on earth are you with this person? Can you think of 5 good things about him? Or even 1?

I'm betting that your life would improve dramatically if he were to fuck off out of it.

chickenfuckingpox Mon 06-Jul-15 13:47:12

and dont count on it getting better when he gets off the hash my best friends husband had a problem he got clean he really was a psycho he needs daily injections of medication to keep him reasonable and after 17 years his family want them to get back together we are attempting to formulate a polite response! but he did used to batter the hell out of her

blondie1976 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:50:05

I find it hard to explain why im still here. I hate to admit it but sometimes I feel like someone on Jeremy Kyle! Not sure if it habit, love, or scared that I could end up with a lot worse.

Why do I even think like that!

onemorerose Mon 06-Jul-15 13:50:59

If he will never stop it will only get worse. Now that you feel this way I think the only question is when you separate.

Janette123 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:53:08

blondie

"Not sure if it habit, love, or scared that I could end up with a lot worse."
I think you'd be hard pressed to have it 'much worse' !

Please think of your children's future, and takes steps to make it secure for them.

sliceofsoup Mon 06-Jul-15 14:01:05

I now feel like I cant do the 2 things planned for this month even though he says he would never stop me, I just don't get him anymore.

He says he would never stop you, but he is stopping you, isn't he? Or trying to anyway, by making you feel like the things you want to do are too much/not fair etc etc.

I lasted two years with an addict. He was a cunt to me in many ways, but honestly, I am so so anti drugs, I don't know why I ever even got with him in the first place. I probably thought I could change him, or rescue him. And in a way I did, as he is completely clean now, but I sacrificed my own life in the process, and I am still suffering from repercussions of that relationship 6 years on, mainly bad debt from paying for his habit,while he is unaffected. I know that if I had stayed with him he would have continued to smoke weed and drink. Of course I have my DD which I wouldn't change, but I had a job and prospects before him but he dragged me into the gutter.

After all the shit I have been through at the hands of men, my mantra now is "actions speak louder than words" and I will not listen to endless promises. Words mean nothing if they are not backed up day to day.

blondie1976 Mon 06-Jul-15 14:11:16

Its almost like I have normalised all the not normal behaviour to make it seem ok.

I was speaking with a neighbour today, he , he H and kids are off on hols next week. Our family will never have this, unless it is somewhere he can drive us too, our DC doesn't realise yet as she is too young, I give her everything emotionally etc to keep our family looking normal.

I cant describe it but its like I am seeing more clearly each day.

onemorerose Mon 06-Jul-15 14:19:46

And it will become more clear each day. I was in a relationship like this, something has got to give. We split up and I am much happier living without his mood swings due to his smoking habit.

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jul-15 14:58:31

there is a 4th option on your list

4) your kids grow up thinking this stuff is normal and end up druggies themselves or in a relationship with one thinking they can expect no better (like you are)

I urge you to make sure they get different lessons than the ones that you are both currently subjecting them to

I'll bet he is "Disney Dad" when he is stoned and right nasty fucker when he needs a smoke. That is not the makings of a good father and a good role model.

blondie1976 Mon 06-Jul-15 15:08:59

Anyfucker

I'll bet he is "Disney Dad" when he is stoned and right nasty fucker when he needs a smoke. That is not the makings of a good father and a good role model :

Yes this is him to a T, I am used to it now TBH, but when DC came into the mix it al changed, I looked at him in a different light, or maybe im just less tolerant now.

The problem is he is chilled so much we rarely get a glimpse of the real him, so the moods are sometimes easy to forget and only look at the good times, if that makes sense.

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jul-15 15:12:38

The "good times" are when he is medicated, love

That is false and not sustainable

Both of you are teaching your children that to be "normal" you need to take drugs on a regular basis

He now has to smoke to feel ok...he is an addict. Things will only get worse. Don't let him take you and the kids down with him too.

Yes, I agree it sounds very Jeremy Kyle. Is this the sort of family life you envisaged when you set out on this journey ? You can hop off any time you like, and you really really should.

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jul-15 15:13:53

how much family money does he spend on his addiction ?

think of all the nice holidays with the children you could have had with it

feel resentful about that ?

you betcha

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