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What do you do when other half half won't discuss

(9 Posts)
Mini05 Mon 06-Jul-15 10:48:44

when something bothers me in our relationship I like to get it sorted out so we can move on!
DP recently as started saying " I'm not arguing " and says no more. I'm left going on about what's happening/going on and I get no input.

This as become so Annoying, so today I'm going to write him a letter to address the things that are bothering me and give it him.
I will ask him to write one back as he "doesn't want it to turn into an argument "

If you have one like me! Who what discuss (for quieter life) what do you do/manage it when you need to address things in your relationship???

LazyLouLou Mon 06-Jul-15 12:55:16

We went through this. I stuck at it and explained, again and again, that I wasn't asking to have an argument but to work out why we had a problem. I had to work on how to phrase it, he often heard it as a criticism of him, his behaviour, his thoughts and feelings.

It took a while, but we can now, usually, discuss stuff. Not always, especially if one of us is tired or stressed.

But if I remember to check my phrasing and he remembers to keep his ears open we don't do too badly.

You have to work out what the trigger words are for your DP. What innocuous sentence you use that means something obnoxious to him. After that you can change the words... it really surprised me, the trigger terms mine reacted badly to. But if they he is honestly upset and trying to avoid arguments and not just being a shit, you should be able to work it through between you.

Oh, and be prepared for him to tell you what you mishear, too. We can now laugh, but I see now that we wound each other up quite a lot, way back then. I blame his mum, and he blames mine smile

Janette123 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:00:57

How long have you been together and has he always been like this or is this something that's just started happening?
He could be "conflict avoidant";-

tumbletumble Mon 06-Jul-15 13:05:28

What if you said, "I don't want an argument either. Shall we agree to discuss the issue calmly, and pause the conversation if it starts getting heated?"

My DH and I went on a marriage course several years ago which did great things for our communication.

darlingbudsofjuly Mon 06-Jul-15 13:06:40

what was the marriage course? I need one!

tumbletumble Mon 06-Jul-15 13:36:23

darlingbuds, this is the one we did.

It has a religious element but not overwhelmingly so.

Mini05 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:39:02

Some good advice here thanks peep!

We've been together 13 years, hasn't always been like this think it's because we have had many disagreement that he's no turned to
" I'm not arguing " statement
I have tried the " it's not an argument, I just want to sort this (whatever it is) out. I can't let things fester on my mind it drives me mad I like to sort it and move on.
Lazy : I think what you say may be a lot of our problems, he thinks prob I'm
Brings him down, he's not good enough, criticism of what he doesn't do and not what he does do(although he does need to do more round house!)

Will also try the " no argument, discuss it calmly. If that starts to become heated say we will leave it for now.

It's so bloody frustrating though, because I've things to say but then think no leave it for now but in my head it's going round and round. Suppose patients is needed!!

redexpat Mon 06-Jul-15 14:39:36

I second the marriage course!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-Jul-15 15:47:27

many disagreements just trivial stuff?

If he has turned from Mr Easy-going to Mr Hard-to-read only recently is there some problem at work or with the wider family that's bothering him? Sometimes when one partner has quite reasonable things at home to talk about the other is so consumed by whatever is going on elsewhere he or she thinks no, can't be doing with anything extra.

In which case reassuring him you're not ambushing him, you just want to talk, and picking your words carefully is a good tactic.

If otoh he treats the place like a hotel and shows inconsiderate behaviour generally, (eg has to be dragged to anything with you, saves best manners for others, displays poor timekeeping or only forgets things that are important to you), as well as refusing to discuss matters, skirting issues is the tip of an iceberg.

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