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DH says he wants to seperate. I feel bereft but what now

(34 Posts)
fuckingfuckfuck Mon 06-Jul-15 10:16:06

DH has said he wants to separate and then divorce. I've been so upset and angry but now I feel quite numb.

We'd been having counselling as I felt things could be better. He was happy to come along but I always contributed more. We both agreed it was needed. I've felt like I've had more 'issues' that him that have affected our relationship as well as my life as a whole. I thought communication could be better among other things. Ive worried I thought unnecessarily we'd get divorced for whatever reason. Turned out I was chronically insecure and we left the counselling with him assuring me that I was loved,and secure. Seems I was right to feel worried paranoi and insecure.

He said everything finally made sense the other day. It all came to him in an instant. He's been down and unhappy and happier when he's with other people (which is a lot, we spend a lot of time doing our own thing). He says he has thought about life with other people and imagines himself happier but has never cheated and I believe him. He says he feels loneliest when he's with me. I can't bring myself to say what he said about our sex life. He says he's been lying to himselfpossibly for years. He now thinks he just went with what was easier ,us staying together when we met, moving in together, marrying. He's been lying to himself and me.

I'm so sad I've been the source of such unhappiness for him. He's never felt able to say all this, he says because he just didn't understand it himself.

I'm also really angry - it's a waste of 7 years. I'm in my mid thirties. I don't have family that cares about me. I wanted a family with him. We don't have DC

But in hindsight I should have seen it all,the unhappiness, him being cold and distant. I don't have a great sense of what a good relationship IS though, so I guess I've never known.

I don't know what to do next. We're just over a week away from moving into a new house in a new town, neither of us can afford it on our own and its a two year lease.

I don't know where to begin really and I'm not sure what the point of this post is really.

fuckingfuckfuck Mon 06-Jul-15 12:56:49

I feel like I might not function again. I don't know what to do about us moving. I'm not sure I can bear to go to work but I must. I've been sitting in the same spot for three hours, feeling sick and angry.

Janette123 Mon 06-Jul-15 13:11:45

Firstly don't be so hard on yourself. It take 2 people to make a marriage work and your husband must own his part in this.
His timing for this announcement is lousy but now you must deal with the practical matter.
1. Stop the move to the new house.
2. Look for accomodation alone.
3. Ask your workplace if you can have a weeks leave to sort this out.
4. Put your finances in order - open your own bank account (if you don't already have one) and have your wages paid into that.
5. If you have given in your notice at work go and have a talk to the personnel dept and see if you can stay on.
6. Take legal advice re divorce - most solicitors will give a half-hour free consultation.
7. Contact Social Services and see what benefits you are allowed to claim if you are earning the minimum wage.

You can do this and you will survive. flowers

knickernicker Mon 06-Jul-15 13:15:29

There might be someone else on the scene.

fuckingfuckfuck Mon 06-Jul-15 15:30:52

I can't stop the move to the new house. We've paid a few thousand in deposit and fees etc and its a two year contract.

Perhaps he could stay there and get a lodger. I really do not want to share with anyone.

There isn't anyone else on the scene but I wouldn't be surprised if there was fairly swiftly.

I am so so angry.

pocketsaviour Mon 06-Jul-15 15:45:35

It's extremely shitty of him to have let you both go ahead with a move to a new house before suddenly deciding it's not working out for him.

If you've paid up the deposit etc and you really can't get out of the contract, I'd go with him, but separate your lives as much as possible in the house - separate bedrooms, separate living rooms if space allows, and ground rules for both, e.g. no bringing new partners back while you're both living there.

Once you're settled, start getting your ducks in a row about what you can afford on your own, he advertises for a housemate and you leave. Or both of you leave - in my experience most landlords will allow you to break the contract as long as you continue to pay rent until they find a new tenant.

IF you can keep it amicable, this doesn't have to be a totally horrible experience. If you can't, then I'd eat the cost of the deposit and go your separate ways immediately.

Joysmum Mon 06-Jul-15 17:00:25

Have you signed the tenancy agreement?

Howsithanging Mon 06-Jul-15 17:11:55

It seems odd timing, just as you are about to move to a new town. I wouldn't go with him. He wants to end the relationship. Let him get on with it,

fuckingfuckfuck Mon 06-Jul-15 17:26:07

Yes the timing is bad. Yes, the contracts are signed. It's thirty grand worth of rent we're signed up for. And I can't stay where I am. We're supposed to be leaving the home we're in now.

fuckingfuckfuck Mon 06-Jul-15 17:27:58

And to be honest I don't feel like I can deal with all the practicalities right now sad

LovesPeace Mon 06-Jul-15 17:30:34

Are you sure that he's not seeing anyone else?

The whole 'I never wanted to be with you' thing seems suspicious, particularly given that he's just galloped into a 2 year, £30k lease with you.

Try to get out of the contract, and ditch the loser.

AnotherEmma Mon 06-Jul-15 17:43:24

Sorry he's doing this to you OP.
First things first. You need emotional support. Do you have a close friend you could talk to who will be supportive? I also think it would really help you to get counselling for yourself (rather than couples counselling).
Secondly, the practical side. I suggest you get a copy of the tenancy agreement you signed, and call the Citizens Advice Bureau, or get a free half-hour consultation with a solicitor, to get legal advice. If there is a "break clause" in the contract you might be able to end it before the two years are up. Once you're clear on your legal rights, give the lettings agent or landlord a call, and explain the situation. If you're lucky they might be understanding. The good news is that you haven't moved in yet so they still have a bit of time to find other tenants.
If you do lose any money because of the separation, I think that he should be the one to lose out - he signed this contract and let you know the same despite the fact that he wants to end the relationship.

fuckingfuckfuck Tue 07-Jul-15 16:38:14

Yes, I have friends thank goodness

I think one of us will take the flat and get a lodger

Not sure what's happening in the interim though. DH has been sleeping on the sofa. Things feel awkward and jarring. One minute I hate him. The next I am sad and I really don't want him to go. sad I honestly don't know how to progress from here. I always have a plan. I don't feel I can make one right now.

butterflygirl15 Tue 07-Jul-15 16:43:12

I would also suspect OW - but regardless of that, time to protect and look after yourself. He is just awful to do this to you right at this point before moving.

fuckingfuckfuck Tue 07-Jul-15 16:51:15

I've asked him a hundred times if there's a OW - whether in the past, whether a potential one, whether someone's just caught his eye

He's said so many things that have hurt me - not to be spiteful, just saying his true feelings about me and us. I don't see why he would lie about this.

And in fact the result would be the same anyway

butterflygirl15 Tue 07-Jul-15 17:26:04

He's not likely to admit it though is he. Lying about this protects himself and stops you telling folk.

fuckingfuckfuck Tue 07-Jul-15 17:33:46

Why does everyone on here think there MUST be someone else? Is it not bad enough if there isn't? I know lots of people who have left people and not had affairs. It does happen. And it's a bit bloody sexist tbh, assuming every man has to be shagging around.

butterflygirl15 Tue 07-Jul-15 17:36:53

because most men who leave don't go until there is someone else to go to. And the last person to know is normally the wife. Nothing to do with sexism at all, it is just experience of what normally happens.

fuckingfuckfuck Wed 08-Jul-15 16:46:43

If anyone can help on this question I would be grateful.

If I bought a home on my own during the separation would DH have any claim on it?

Considering all of my options

I have some money in savings (more in debt), no assets really. No DC. I don't think it's going to be particularly complicated to split.

fuckingfuckfuck Wed 08-Jul-15 16:47:28

We do however still have all the vouchers we got as presents when we got married. THATs how quickly this has fallen apart!

AnotherEmma Wed 08-Jul-15 17:01:48

"If I bought a home on my own during the separation would DH have any claim on it?"

I don't know, you really need legal advice from the CAB and/or a solicitor - you can get a free half hour consultation.

You will need a solicitor anyway if you decide to buy a house, so maybe you could find one who can do conveyancing and divorce/separation.

Joiny Wed 08-Jul-15 17:45:29

So he is re writing your history. Denying other woman. Saying he has never really loved you. Please read the Script fuckingfuck. He is saying everything that a man in the throes of an affair says. Word for word. You only have to read most of the posts on MN on affairs to see that he is following a pattern . Sorry. Don't believe him or what he says.

fuckingfuckfuck Wed 08-Jul-15 17:49:01

I'll bear it in mind Joiny.

fuckingfuckfuck Wed 08-Jul-15 17:49:25

Thanks Emma. I think a trip to the CAB would be useful.

Joiny Wed 08-Jul-15 17:50:28

The reason most people are suggesting OW is because he is following a well trod pattern and most woman suggesting it have been through the same thing as you. Believing that he wouldn't lie.

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