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Life is too much for me.

(10 Posts)
Lowlywormsredpants Mon 06-Jul-15 09:56:00

Woke up with a massive headache today, might even be a migrane since paracetamol hasn't touched it. Didn't sleep well all night. I'm worried about work. I haven't worked for nearly 19yrs & now I'm getting divorced I have to get a job. I'm not lazy, I'd love a nice job. For years stbx didn't allow me one but now I have no idea what to do. I have no real qualifications to speak of, I scraped through college with bum grades as it was also the time I escaped a severely abusive childhood. I learnt to type but that's about it. I know nothing at all about work these days & nothing about computers. I have no idea what to do/where/how to start looking. My stbxs lawyer wants me to explain what my future income will be?! How am I supposed to know? My stbx was very controlling & handled everything in our lives, I never got a look in. I doubt my ability to look after myself. I haven't seen a bill or anything in all this time. M abusive ex is being a complete bastard. Things have got worse since he left. How am I going to become a strong capable single woman? I feel like a 7yo after he's controlled my life for so long. Sometimes I have very dark thoughts that it's not worth trying to carry on, that there's nothing left for me. Don't know how to find the strength.

Eastpoint Mon 06-Jul-15 10:09:23

Just posting to say it sounds as if you are doing well to be thinking about all of the changes seriously and that I hope someone will be along shortly to offer more constructive ideas. brew

gotstogonow Mon 06-Jul-15 11:42:05

I hear you and I feel for you. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and I hope other ladies can offer you some good advice.
Is he still supporting you financially?

juneau Mon 06-Jul-15 11:56:19

First of all, do you have your own solicitor? If not, you need one right now to put your case, as above, regarding 19 years without work, controlling ex, lack of experience managing your own bills, etc. After that amount of time out of work you should be entitled to spousal support, at least while you get on your feet. How do you find a solicitor? Yellow Pages, CAB, recommendations. Do you know anyone who got divorced recently? Ring them up and ask them if they'd recommend their solicitor.

Right, now for the job bit. You obviously can't just 'go out and get a job' after all that time and without any experience. You say you can type, but that you can't use a computer. Okay, well that is fixable. Could you get yourself onto a secretarial course that will teach you the skills to use a computer? Those kind of courses abound and should enable you to get work at the end of it that will bring in some kind of reasonable income. If there is a local FE college near you call them up and ask. Courses will probably start in Sept, so you'll need to sign up and sort out funding asap. I would expect that you'll need at least three months (and perhaps more), to gain the skills you'll need in a modern workplace.

As for what you can expect to earn, I was being paid around £12 an hour as a temp secretary back in the late 1990s (in London), so I'm guessing that once you have the skills you could do the same, although this will obviously depend on where you live and the availability of work locally. As a result of temp work I got offered FT roles every time and IME you just need to be competent, pleasant, polite, appropriately dressed (you don't need to spend a fortune - just a neat dress or blouse and skirt/trousers with court shoes), and able to turn up on time and do you job.

It must all be so daunting, but I'm guessing that you're mid-late 30s and this is not too old to be starting again and going out to work for the first time. If you feel emotionally crushed by your ex please speak to your GP about counselling and/or medication to help lift your mood.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 06-Jul-15 11:58:41

What does your own SHL (shit hot lawyer - I hope you've got one?) say re the question about future income? Might this be a case for claiming spousal maintenance until you have trained for and got a job?

rumred Mon 06-Jul-15 12:04:48

Careers advice could help you . Google what's available to you locally. It's still free some areas. Good luck with your new start

SewingAndCakes Mon 06-Jul-15 12:08:30

You sound strong and capable to me. Do you know what area of work you'd want to work in? Office/healthcare/retail/etc? Would you consider volunteering to gain experience and confidence?

cestlavielife Mon 06-Jul-15 12:10:13

please go to GP and get some support. see NHS counsellor to talk thru everything that has happened and also your ideas and options.

see a careers advisor or course advisor at your local college where you can train or retrain.

there is help out there. first step today 1. make an appt with gp tell gp what has happened and ask to see nhs counsellor
2. go online look up local adult college, look at list of courses, see what interests you and book an appt to see the advisers at the college who can sit and suggest the right courses for you which may lead to getting you back into work.
3. go into local job centre plus and see what courses and free training are available.

dont let you ex "win" - you now have the freedom to move onwards and upwards. seize the day.

pallasathena Mon 06-Jul-15 12:15:39

First thing's first, you need to boost your confidence and learn that you are a truly fabulous person. And before you say no I'm not - yes you are!

I'm a great believer in 'fake it until you make it,' its worked so many times for me when I've felt overwhelmed and under confident with stuff. You can do this, you really can!

Is there a college near to you that does back to work courses? If so, sign up for one because the tutors are trained in how to release that fabulous you. Job Centres used to do something similar but I'm a bit out of the loop these days so you'd have to check on that.

Baby steps for now. Then, when you begin to feel fabulous again, get some career counselling or check out classes that give you qualifications you can use in the work place. There are so many options open to you you'll probably feel overwhelmed just looking at them all but focus on your strengths and not your weaknesses. Your interests now come first and this could be the most exhilarating and exciting time in your life you know.

I re-trained and ended up working on contracts all over the world in my forties and fifties. Kids grown and flown, a bunch of qualifications under my belt and a big world to see out there.

Its never too late.


CarbeDiem Mon 06-Jul-15 13:09:08

Yes go to the GP first. Next maybe go to the local job centre and ask them about any training for office/call centres (to stick with what you already know at first) I went on a 6 week course through the jobcentre and got a job quite quickly afterwards.

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