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So, today I have taken my engagement ring off

(53 Posts)
Azquilith Mon 06-Jul-15 06:32:57

Because quite frankly, he doesn't deserve me. To his credit, he took it when I told him this, and I also told him he wasn't much of a father either.
He is a good man, kind, supportive, fun, hardworking and my best friend, but I cried and cried last night when I realised that if anything happened to me, he would be completely incapable of looking after our children.
He doesn't fight to see the two he's already got from previous relationships, he is catastrophic with money, and has asked me for a thousand pounds over the last week to bail out family members we've said no more to, or over spending on a night out when I took DS away to give him a break. He can't manage life admin, I do everything - bills, rent, estate agents, solicitors for the house we're trying to buy, childcare, birthdays, car, holidays. Whilst working 60 hours a week, travelling on average 500 miles a week. And I'm pregnant.
And on Saturday he picked DS and I up from the station when we came back with the car running on fumes because he only had £4 out of £250 from his night out left. He couldn't even get DS a drink, because he'd spent it all.
He is now distraught. Has asked me to take all his wages and give him pocket money each week so I can control what he spends, and told me to tell him what I need from him and whatever, he will do it.
But I want a partner, and not another child. I just can't be arsed.

tsonlyme Mon 06-Jul-15 06:37:34

£250 on a night out?! Casino? Lap dancing club? Stuffed up his nose?

He sounds dreadful, as for you taking hold of the money reigns he wants a mother not a wife, it just gives him permission to not take any responsibility. I couldn't live like that.

Nolim Mon 06-Jul-15 06:38:06

It sounds you will be better on your own op. flowers

LineRunner Mon 06-Jul-15 06:45:18

I'd need to know what he spent the money on whilst deciding if I could bear to be in the same house as him.

It sounds so, so stressful.

antimatter Mon 06-Jul-15 06:46:31

A best friend who is kind and supportive would not blow your hard earned cash on night out like he did.
He is selfish and perhaps a show off to his friends, and thinks that you will always pick up after him.

The red light in who he is was there - not fighting to see his kids should have given enough to think about his attitude.

Now do what you have to do.

I believe that people can change but he needs a good dose of tough love and you need to deliver it.

If you want give him a deadline and a clear message with what he needs to do.

However if you think you can't see any hope - move on!

I work long hours and commute over 500 miles a week, have 2 teenager kids and very supportive BF who doesn't live with us and that's hard enough and my stress levels affect my health I believe. You won't be able to carry on like you do forever, you would burn out and kids will suffer.

Look after yourself!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Mon 06-Jul-15 06:49:32

God what's his problem? Alcohol, drugs or gambling? I don't blame you, living like that is soul destroying

tribpot Mon 06-Jul-15 06:51:47

It sounds like what you need from him is for him to be an adult, to manage his own finances, to share in the responsibilities of running a house and looking after children and to be someone who can be relied upon when times get tough.

So, not him, basically. Giving you even more of the responsibility is the exact opposite of what he needed to demonstrate to you. He just doesn't sound capable of being a grown up.

Azquilith Mon 06-Jul-15 07:03:39

I suspect the money went on showing his friends a good time. And probably to lending to some family members who are skint, but who have borrowed over 3k from us over the last 3 months so we'd said no more.
He's asked for my help in helping him to manage himself. And do you know, I could do. I manage multimillion pound projects at work across three continents, managing him would not be difficult.
But I just can't be bothered.
And yes, someone pointed out that the red flag should have been how he treated his children. I knew that at the time, but my father is fairly feckless and so to be honest I've always had the opinion that men, when it came to children were more interested in the relationship that came with it. Plus DS was a bit of an accident anyway (a lovely accident).

Azquilith Mon 06-Jul-15 07:04:18

Yes tribpot, that is exactly what I need unfortunately.

DoreenLethal Mon 06-Jul-15 07:05:14

I don't spend £250 on nights out in a year. Bloody hell.

Keep that ring off! You may as well - he seems useless.

QuiteLikely5 Mon 06-Jul-15 07:09:49

This man is hopeless but you give him everything like a mummy would.

He does not have to take any responsibility for himself as you do it all.

When the other baby comes along things may well implode. No 2 creates massive pressure.

If this man respected you he wouldn't act the way he does.

I doubt you will get him to leave, I don't think you seem at that point.

Be warned your just on the hamsters wheel and always will be with this man, meeting the same conclusion until you finally get off it and wave good bye to him.

Lweji Mon 06-Jul-15 07:11:04

I do get where you are coming from and you are absolutely right.

If anything, and if he wanted to have a chance (if you are willing to at all - fine if you aren't) he would have to take himself from the family and work at becoming financially responsible, and show himself to be responsible towards his children. Keeping in touch, doing his part, etc.

Otherwise, it's just passing the responsibility for you, bringing in resentment on both parts, and when he fails again, it would also be your responsibility not him.

Rebecca2014 Mon 06-Jul-15 07:35:38

Wow and you got pregnant by this man again?

Eminado Mon 06-Jul-15 07:41:56

I would sell your ring, to be completely honest.

Please do not take on this "project", you have enough on your plate.

Plarail123 Mon 06-Jul-15 07:51:00

It's an LTB from me on this I'm afraid.

Penfold007 Mon 06-Jul-15 07:59:16

Ask the family members to repay the loans.

worserevived Mon 06-Jul-15 08:27:24

Don't marry him. He won't change for the better, over time he'll just become worse. If you split after marriage you'll end up handing over nearly half your assets and possibly paying him spousal maintenance (depends on the facts and the court's view) even if the dcs live with you.

LineRunner Mon 06-Jul-15 08:39:13

I agree that you shouldn't marry him. It would put you tumbling down the rabbit hole.

Twinklestein Mon 06-Jul-15 08:59:35

He's not 'good, kind, supportive, fun'. He's selfish, feckless, unsupportive, all over the place, and I really struggle to conceive how much 'fun' he can be.

How fun is it to be responsible for everything? He gives you no support for childcare, running the house, bills, car, holidays.

I think you need to revise your list of his pluses and admit that he's just an expensive hassle.

butterflygirl15 Mon 06-Jul-15 09:00:44

yep it's a LTB from me too. Please don't buy a house with him either - he will sell you down the river. And yep not seeing his other DC was a huge red flag but hindsight is always wonderful.

Why the hell should you micromanage him and his money. You are not his mother. You say your own father is feckless and this is why you expect such appalling behaviour. I would suggest counselling for yourself as you seem to have appallingly low standards and you and your DC deserve so much better than this.

Azquilith Mon 06-Jul-15 09:01:25

Well, there was absolutely no way I'd ever marry him anyway, he asked me 3 years ago now.
And yes Rebecca2014 I did get pregnant again.
So, actually, I have decided that I am going to ask him to move out. I do love him, and I'd like to make it work, but practically I'm not going to continue to be his mother. He can move out, manage his own life but still be a part of ours as much as he'd like, and we'll see how it goes.

Joysmum Mon 06-Jul-15 09:09:28

Just considering the money thing, sounds to me he's trying to buy friendship and respect by playing lord bountiful.

poppym12 Mon 06-Jul-15 09:32:13

Leave the ring off. I ended up married to a manchild for ten years. it resulted in pnd and self harm. When I wouldn't carry on clearing up his mess, financial and otherwise, as I was depressed and exhausted, he found another 'mummy' to shag. I divorced him. he has not changed. for years afterwards he tried to bring his problems to me to sort out.

Dowser Mon 06-Jul-15 09:35:33

I really feel for you. Managing the family budget should be the priority of both the adults concerned.

He's been plain stupid and greedy.

Does he have form for this sort of thing . Has he a lot of debt?

Either he fights his way back to you brandishing spreadsheets of the family budgets and savings that he demonstrates he will stick too or you cut him loose.

It will grind you down and you don't need three children to look after.

You will resent him and there no room for resentment ina loving relationship.

He's acting like a single guy with no responsibilities and I haven't even got started on his lack of help with everything else.

You can do so much better. That's why he's distraught. He just saw his gravy train go crashing into the buffers.

Feckless doesn't begin to cover it. He needs to go and stand on his own two feet for 6-9 months and when he's sorted his arsehole stupidity out then he can see if you haven't moved on with your life if there's room for another adult in it.

He needs to be shown this thread.

Dowser Mon 06-Jul-15 09:43:19

Well done asquilith.

Not having enough money for a drink for his child. I hope the shame never leaves him.

You sound like a strong woman. It's going to be tough but you won't have the added worry of wondering what he's up too.

Did he have this night out planned and you went away because you had an inkling of what was to come. Not really my business and may not have been the case but just made me think if that was so you were already managing his bad behaviour.

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