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I wish there was another OW/OM, but instead it is just the demise of a marriage. So worried about impact on children

(33 Posts)
Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Sun 05-Jul-15 22:11:59

No one else is involved. H and I can't be together. We have good stretches, when it's good, but then long stretches when it's constant bickering, building up to horrendous fall outs. He's a good man but I can't stand the volatility. I can't stand so much of the time being ruined by his moods or him bailing on plans we have made. I want more from life.

He is an exceptional father. Our children utterly adore him. They are unaware of problems, as both under 6 and we have the big blow outs away from them. I know that would change with time, and they would become more aware, but I am paralysed with the fear that I am destroying their life for no good reason. I genuinely wish that H was leaving me because of another woman , as then it would be so clear cut. The fact that we are doing this because we are so fed up of the bickering and arguing seems incredibly selfish. I imagine other couples going through this but sucking it up for their sake of the children . I wish we could do that but H is just too much of a drama llama to put a brave face on it. Divorce feels like the only option.

Is there anyone out there who has been in a similar situation? No affair,no emotional or physical abuse, just two people who can't seem to get it right. My question is how did your children fare?

nrv0us Sun 05-Jul-15 22:47:11

If you picture your life a year from now, after a split, what images do you see?

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Sun 05-Jul-15 22:54:55

It's a terrible unknown atm.

I guess on the one hand I will be deeply happy that we are not together. I'm pretty certain though that I will also feel profoundly sad too. How I will feel in a year's time depends entirely upon how my children will feel. And I am struggling to predict how this is going to go

nrv0us Sun 05-Jul-15 22:58:24

How would it go financially?

newstart15 Sun 05-Jul-15 23:05:56

What do you argue about?

pocketsaviour Sun 05-Jul-15 23:10:25

... the fear that I am destroying their life for no good reason.

Oh come on. Children's lives aren't destroyed by their parents splitting up... otherwise we'd basically be a nation of destroyed adults.

Children are resilient. Concentrate your energies on making sure your and your STBXH co-parent amicably and effectively. If he is truly an exceptional father then that will be at the forefront of his mind, surely.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 05-Jul-15 23:13:38

Trust me, if there was OW / OM involved, it would not be clear cut!

I'm sorry for your situation and some people simply do fall out of love and I'm not denying it still hurts like hell, but a marriage destroyed by an affair is not an easy option for us women.

DragonsCanHop Sun 05-Jul-15 23:14:50

Your children will cope as well as you do with help and support from friends and family.

It sounds to me like you know the right answer for you deep inside

headoverthere Sun 05-Jul-15 23:32:47

I'm going through this now, feel the same as you, feel that I'm being selfish as DD loves her daddy & I hate the thought of her having a split family.
But I hate more the impact our relationship has on her. She's 4 & told my parents one day Daddy shouts at Mammy all the time.
I think I knew then what I have to do. For whatever reason DH & I just can't seem to get our mariage back on track. Neither of us makes any effort & family days out are usually dampened by his unwillingness to attend/join in/have fun. Again my DD said to me the other day "we should be just came on our own"
It's a heartbreaking situation. I wish you the best of luck x

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Mon 06-Jul-15 11:39:00

Thank you responses.

I am so scared about the future. I feel like we are taking something away from our children, that they need bad love completely. And that makes me feel rotten inside

We are very comfortable financially, however I am a sahm. I don't know anyone divorced to ask. Will I need to go back to work immediately or will I get a bit of time to do a computer course and sort childcare? So so many questions. I don't know where to start.

There's No EA and nothing physical and no one else. Am I expecting too much from a marriage?

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 06-Jul-15 11:43:26

My children are 5 and 2. I've been separated from their father for just under 4 months. I'm happier and healthier, the boys see their father regularly and they are absolutely fine.

There was no OW/OM, I just couldn't live with him any more. There was no massive blowout before the split either.

It's far more damaging to stay in a bad relationship. My parents marriage was totally dysfunctional, they separated when I was 15 and I am still dealing with the emotional damage it did.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Mon 06-Jul-15 11:59:41

Mygast, very similar situation here.

May I ask why you separated. Did you fall out of love? Was it constant bickering? Is he a fantastic father? My husband is amazingly patient and loving and dedicated to them. It makes us parting seem so much worse on the children?

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 06-Jul-15 12:07:00

It's difficult to explain concisely but he kept letting me down, not doing things he promised to do; we went to Relate 2 years ago and he changed nothing. I kept saying to him that I felt like my love was like a rock and every time he let me down it chipped a little bit away...Eventually there was nothing left. The stress eventually led me to have a breakdown and at that point I decided enough was enough.

As long as your children have regular contact with their father they won't miss out. I think my boys actually have a better time with him now than they did when we all lived together. They love going to see him but they're happy to come home to me.

Just make sure your children know you both still love them and they will be fine, they're remarkably adaptable.

Winniethewylde Mon 06-Jul-15 12:48:40

This rings so many bells with me and my situation. I have 2 young children and am a sahm. My h and I have just agreed we will separate but have got no further than that. No affairs, no abuse just 2 people who have grown apart. He claims to still love me but there is so much history and bad feeling I just can't keep going with it. We've had counselling which I actually think made it worse. I too am so worried about the effect on the children but I know that we are modelling the most horrific example of marriage to them ever and to split would be kindest in the long run. I believe once the love has gone there is no other option. Thinking of you op, pm me if you like, we can go through it together flowers

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 06-Jul-15 12:54:35

Feel free to PM me too OP or Winnie if I can help at all.

Winniethewylde Mon 06-Jul-15 13:00:13

My your idea of the rock being chipped away is exactly how I feel. He let me down so many times and couldn't be there at the times when I truly needed him. The love I had for him just died. I'm so pleased things have worked out for you, it's great to hear positive stories as I am in the same position as op and don't know anyone who has actively chosen to get out of a marriage which to outsiders seems perfect.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Mon 06-Jul-15 16:23:55

Will message later. Touched by the responses

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-Jul-15 16:38:40

"He is an exceptional father. Our children utterly adore him. They are unaware of problems, as both under 6 and we have the big blow outs away from them"

Why do you describe him as an "exceptional father?". What is this exactly?. My guess is that he is really not Disney Dad either.

Sound travels and you do not even have to row in front of them for them to pick up on all the vibes that both of you unconsciously put out towards each other.

What do you think they are learning about relationships here; they won't thank either of you for the bitterness or resentment and the, "oh if only you knew what I sacrificed for you". That is basically putting him before them. Children are perceptive and they can and do pick up on all the vibes; they may well know that something is amiss (even if they cannot express it properly which is often the case at such a tender age) and you cannot fully protect them from that knowledge.

What kind of a relationship are you modelling for your children. If it's loveless, children may grow up to regard that as the norm.

What do you want to teach them about relationships here?. Its no legacy to leave them. Its not their fault (and both of you will need to explain that to them very clearly and repeatedly) that you as their parents can no longer be together. Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable because these children certainly do notice.

Teabagbeforemilk Mon 06-Jul-15 16:44:41

What are losing out on? 2 parents who no longer want to be together and constantly argue and dislike each other?

nrv0us Mon 06-Jul-15 19:04:34

Very good point.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Mon 06-Jul-15 19:35:22

Attila, I would thank you for trusting my view in my children's father.

When I say he is an exceptionally good father, I mean it.

He is loving, patient, kind, playful. He has never once raised his voice at them, he had the patience of a saint, he will spend an hour playing fairies with my daughter or kicking a football about with my son. He doesn't play computer games, doesn't spend his time with them looks on his phone, he never rushed my son when plodding through homework, he enjoys getting up with them in the morning and doing breakfast with them, he is easy, relaxed and loving with them. He genuinely enjoys their company, and they adore him.

There, that sufficient for you Attila?

As for the rest of the responses, thank you. You have given my much food for thought, and I do so appreciate it. The thing is, we have always had wonderful family times, but then my husband and I will spoil for ourselves with an argument. Always away fr th children, but they are very young. I have no doubt that they will soon become aware and frt confused at how one minute things can be great, the next one could cut the tension with a knife. I don't want that for them. I think we both know what needs to be done. I am just so scared though. Scared for my children and scared for me.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-Jul-15 20:04:39

Ok so you don't like me calling you out on the "exceptional father" comment and I hit a nerve with you there evidently.

He however, seems to be simply doing all the things a normally loving parent would do with his children anyway. Many parents do this. You do similar no doubt with these children but you're not stating that you are an exceptional mother. Why therefore call him exceptional?. That is what I was wondering about, why you used that word at all to describe him as a father.

He is still not a good example of a husband to you so that impacts on these children as well as you. Him being great with his children does not make up for the fact that he is and has been nasty to you. You in turn probably walk on eggshells around him or are awaiting his next outburst, mood swings or argument which could come at any time and without warning.

The most important point here is that even if the two of you do not argue in front of them they know that something is inherently wrong; they simply cannot express it and they simply want to see mummy and daddy happy. Never kid yourself that they do not notice it because you and he do not argue in front of them (I am not suggesting that you do not think this). It is indeed your credit that you are thinking of them becoming more aware as they get older.

Its okay to be scared but knowledge after all is power and you do not have to act on any legal advice immediately. Remaining within this will be a lot more scary and difficult for you all.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Mon 06-Jul-15 20:17:51

Good god Atilla!

When do I say he is nasty to me?
When do I say I am walking on egg shells?
When do I refer to his outbursts or mood swings?

You haven't read my posts or subsequent comments, and it is really frustrating to post asking for help, and to have a poster came on board and create a scenario that the OP quite sumo,y has not stated in any sense whatsoever. The ONLY time that I refer specifically to my Husband as being more to " blame" than me, is when I say he is a "drama llama". That's it.

Anyway, Winnie and mygast, I wil indeed take you up on offer to PM, thank you. Will do tomorrow, as utterly exhausted now. So much the thinking about things, and trig to balance with childcare. It's so draining.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Mon 06-Jul-15 20:21:08

Oh sorry Atilla, I do refer to his moods.

He will go into a mood after an argument whereas I want to move on and snap out very quickly.

But certainly no walking on eggshells or he's nasty to me. He's a gentle soul. But doesn't mean I want to be with him. I don't.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-Jul-15 20:31:38

I have read your posts and all your comments. I do not mind you getting cross but I was referring to his moods and you do point that out.

No-one is forcing you to stay in a marriage you do not want to remain in. You only need to give your own self permission to leave it. You describe this situation as volatile and that cannot be good for these children either. Its certainly not a good situation for you as their mother to be in.

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