My mums problem with my weight

[Notnastypasty]

I have always been a fairly average size through childhood and teens and a size 10 or 12 til my late 20's when I went up to 12/14.

I had my DD and also developed an underactive thyroid which went undetected at first and led to me gaining weight. I am now a size 16/18. My mum has been very slim her whole life.

She is constantly asking me when I'll be losing weight, what I'm eating and generally keeping on at me. Things came to a head earlier today. My stbxh left me 18 months ago for someone he worked with. My DD 6 has just spent her first weekend at the OW's flat. My mum said it must have been hard for me and did it affect what I ate today
She then came across a photo of the younger, slimmer, child free OW on facebook and said 'she has a lovely figure, if my husband had left me for someone else I would have worked hard to be as thin as her'. She then got annoyed when i got upset by that!

I get her point. I look better slimmer and feel better about myself but I don't let it hold me back. Despite my husband leaving me for OW I've tried not to let it ruin my self esteem. I go on dates, out with friends, coach a sports discipline a few times a week and dress to suit my size.

I said to her that it's her that has a problem with my weight and not me. Her reply was that 'she doesn't like looking at me like this'

I have to say she has been a great support to me and DD and is always there for us but I'm just not sure how to get pass this issue that has been hanging around for the last 6 or 7 years

[Longtalljosie]

She doesn't sound supportive. She sounds horrid

[GoodtoBetter]

Let's call a spade a spade, she sounds like she's being a cunt. She obviously has her own issues around weight. You may look better slimmer, but quite frankly it's none of her business.

[pointythings]

I'd be telling her 'don't look at me then'. I've in fact said similar to my Dad when he commented negatively on my jelly belly - I'd had a baby 10 days earlier, what did he expect? I was in my pre-preg jeans at the time so doing really well and I really let him have it.

Tell her you appreciate her support but that your weight is now off limits as a topic for conversation. Just the fact that she brought up OW as a comparison puts her 100% in the wrong.

[Notnastypasty]

Thanks. I don't mind her saying what she thinks but once or twice, not every week. I've told her before I don't want to discuss it again but she carries on regardless and can't help herself.

[Botanicbaby]

My mum does exactly the same thing it's almost as if she's taking the fact I've put on weight personally. Keeps telling me I looked better as a size 8. I know!!

You have my sympathy I just don't know what advice to offer, I've kept my distance due to other issues but if you need her support just tell her to stop comparing you to ow.

[mrstweefromtweesville]

Your mother is poisonous. Tell her to shut up about it, I had to do that with mine. I told her I wouldn't be taking any more comments about my size.

[RubbishMantra]

My mother's the same. She would photoshop photos I'd send her, or delete them. It's disgusting that she compared you to OW, implying it's your fault he left. Whether you feel/look better slimmer doesn't give her the right to make you feel like shit, at a time when you could do with support, not criticism.

I think some mothers think they have the right to be hurtful, because "they're doing it for your own good." Exactly this behaviour caused me to go NC with my mother.

[FujimotosElixir]

the comment about the other woman was unforgivable, is she nasty or lacking in self awareness?

[Hassled]

Can she articulate why she doesn't like you looking like you do? She must have some serious weight hang-ups of her own - I suspect she's worked bloody hard to stay slim and that it doesn't come naturally, so she's scared of putting weight on herself. Is she projecting maybe - she sees you larger than she'd like to be herself? But you have to call her on it. Sit her down and say how hurtful it is - just spell it out.

As an aside, I'm slim with an overweight adult DD. She's still my beautiful girl - I'll support her in her efforts to lose weight, and I have worried about her health at times, but I'd never say the sort of stuff your mother has. It's not a normal reaction, IYSWIM.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Time to set boundaries. You say to her, "I eat when I feel bad about myself. What do you think your nasty comments make me feel, and therefore do? My weight is none of your business and it is not up for discussion. If you mention it, I will end the conversation." And then do it. If she mentions it, say, "I told you this was not your business and not up for discussion and that I would leave if you mentioned it. So I am leaving." Then hang up the phone, leave the room, make her leave if she's in your house.

Be firm. She sounds revolting. What kind of mother compares her own daughter unfavourably to the other woman?

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Remember - you cannot control her behaviour, but you can control your response to it. So just tell her you will not tolerate it, and then do not tolerate it.

[Myfoofneedspruning]

Your mum is a fucking horrible woman ..how dare she ??

[Lweji]

I think you need to confront her, in a calm and assertive way when she makes those comments.
How does she think those comments make you feel?
Does she think controlling your weight is easy?
Does she think it's worth keeping a man who only is interested in how you look?
Does she think you are only worth as a woman if you have a man with you?

Ask her and look intently at her for a response.

[Fairylea]

She sounds like my mum. My mum has crohns disease and as a result has never struggled with her weight at all and at 67 is still a size 8-10. I have an underactive thyroid like you and a pituitary problem and I just look at a cake and put weight on. I used to be skinny but after two kids I am now a 16-18 and struggle with staying that size. Mum openly hates anyone being fat and thinks it's repulsive. I have learnt to change the subject and just tell her not everyone cares about their weight and not everyone finds it as horrid as she does.

Your mum is being vile to you. You can either stand up to her or ignore her but don't let her make you feel bad about yourself just because she is rude.

[AuntyMag10]

Your mother is being really cruel to you. How absolutely hurtful to comment about ow to you knowing the background! I think it's time you give her an ultimatum. To never mention specific things around you and your dd or you won't be spending time with her that much.

[FullOfChoc]

My dad used to be like this. I had a gutful and just let rip at him. Informed him what a small minded, ignorant and rude pig he was being. It was quite a rant. I stormed out of the house and didn't go back for months.

He's never mentioned my weight again.

[3mum]

I agree with the PP who said that your mum's approach is pretty much guaranteed to send you straight to the biscuit tin!

I get really angry with all the focus on weight around women. Somewhere along the way we have lost sight of all the really important things and focussed on the trivial. Who we are should be about what we bring to the world, not our dress size!

Are you a good person who supports friends and family, contributes to people who are less fortunate, a good parent, a decent reliable human being, a valued employee, a creative person, generally a force for good in the world? I'd put any of those way before what size you wear and your mum should too.

Her focus on your weight says far more about her than you.

[Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl]

You've hit the nail on your own head by the title of your thread "My mums problem" about "my" weight.
It's her problem not yours. If of course you're happy with your size. But if you do decide to lose weight. It has to be because YOU want to to to dance to your mother's tune. Or it won't work

[SelfLoathing]

This is like MN LTB at it's best!! Of course your mother is an evil handmaiden of satan!

A question: Leaving aside this issue you've posted about, would you say broadly speaking that your mother generally a nice woman with your best interests at heart or is she someone who is unkind and you have a fraught history with?

If it's the former, she maybe in a very misguided way be trying to help you. If you are being honest with yourself, you probably don't feel as healthy or as good about yourself at a size 16/18 as you did when you were lighter. It's also likely I suspect that if your ex left you for an OW that brings with it it's own depression and self esteem issues - inevitably made worse if she is younger and thinner.

It may be your mother's (very misguided) way of trying to provoke you into helping yourself and get out of your current cycle (as she perceives it). It's not kind but then sometimes that is what we need to buck us up.

There are better ways of doing that that this but just because it's misguided doesn't mean it's the devils own work.

If you would say your mother is generally cruel and manipulative, ignore the above. But if not, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

Entirely sepearately how do you feel? Do you want to lose weight at all? Or not? or is it that you do but it seems to big a hill to climb and you can't face it?

[SelfLoathing]

but quite frankly it's none of her business.

Disagree totally. The physical and mental health and happiness of a non-estranged daughter is 100% the business of her mother. If your mother isn't looking out for you, who is really?

[Fairylea]

Having a pop at someone about their weight is never "looking out for you". Neither is even mentioning their weight. As someone who struggles with weight I can tell you everyone I have talked to who is fat knows they are fat. They don't need anyone else to point it out to them, least of all their mum who is supposed to love them unconditionally and not make negative remarks about personal appearance.

[Botanicbaby]

"It's not kind but then sometimes that is what we need to buck us up."

really? can't remember the last time some unkind remarks spurned me into making changes for the better for myself. as PP said its more likely to have the opposite effect and have you reaching for the biscuits.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Your mother is a cruel bitch. Her comments about your weight might, just might, be construed as semi-helpful if you didn't have a fucking health condition. But the observation about the OW is bloody unforgiveable. How vile she is!

I'd be limiting contact until she can acknowledge how skewed her thinking is. If she can't, she can eff off permanently.

[SelfLoathing]

Neither is even mentioning their weight.

Sorry but this is rubbish. Plenty of people have emotional related weight issues. Sure they may appreciate they are overweight but lack the internal motivation to do something about it.

To take an extreme example to illustrate how daft your suggestion that not mentioning weight is fine for someone you love:

What would you do if a loved one was eating more and more and becoming seriously obese?

"Darling you look great honestly"

More and more pizza.

"Don't worry about the nasty people saying you are overweight. It's all fine"

Delivered to a bed that they were so fat they couldn't get out of. Needed to be drilled out of the wall to be taken to hospital.

Weight is so emotive for women that people become irrational about it!!

It's not just about sexual attractiveness. It's about health. To suggest even "mentioning" weight is not looking out for someone is seriously deranged.

In OPs situation - depends on her prior relationship with her mother.

But lets get real here, being overweight for most people affects your self esteem and is unhealthy. I agree that issues like this should be approached with sensitivity. But are we all supposed to tippy toe around that so it's not even mentioned?

[tippytap]

My mum's the same.

Last time she commented in my weight, it was to tell me I was 'massive'. I've gone from a 12/14 to a 16.

My nan had anorexia. My mum and her sisters have dieted their whole lives (they are now in their 60's), my sister has been borderline anorexic. I'd say my eating is 'disordered'. I remember that I had to diet whenever my mum did.

I am trying very hard to make sure that this does not get passed down to my DD.