Separation advice needed - please

[Leavinghome]

Hi Everyone, I'm very new to this but can't afford a divorce lawyer at the moment and would love some help. I moved out of the family home 5 months ago, my husband won't get a job and I can't live with him anymore (lots of reasons). I have continued to pay the mortgage and all of his outgoings while house sitting for a friend but I now need a place of my own for me and the children (they are 14 and 12). I can't afford to do this and support him. Is it ok for me to just stop giving him money when he doesn't have the children? I have some money put aside from the mortgage to continue paying that and the core bills for possibly 6 months. I need to start a life of my own and he is in complete denial that he needs to take responsibility for himself.

[Morganly]

I do think you need some legal advice as it's more than just stopping giving him money. You might need to sell the property so that you can both buy new places. Maybe CAB if you can't afford a solicitor right now? Or start divorce proceedings so that you can sort out a proper settlement.

There are lots of books and websites which give information about how finances are settled on divorce and separation so you could do a bit of information gathering first and a lot of the divorce proceedings can be done without a solicitor so you may not need more than a minor input from a solicitor in order to keep your costs down.

[blueribbons]

You have the children, he should be paying you money! There's absolutely no reason for you to be paying his living expenses now that you're separated, and certainly no legal obligation on you to be doing so. Tell him to shift his lazy backside out of the house and find a job so that you and your children have a place to stay until you can sell the house.

[Isolde85]

Citizens Advice Bureau??

[Leavinghome]

Thanks for replying, did try CAB earlier this year, probably worth a revisit. I can't throw him out, it's a longer story and isn't straightforward. Might be strange for some people to accept but I still love him and don't want to see him on the streets. Am grateful that I am strong enough to start afresh, we all have different journeys.

[elliepac]

Hi. Your situation may seem a strangr choice to some people but I truly get it because I am in exactly the same situation and have been for 14 months. When we split, I just needed to get out because I had had enough (no violence or anything). So the dc's and I moved into my dmum's as she had plenty of space for us and we are still here. I don't want to go back to the house...I want a completely fresh start. Ex's job situation is very hit and miss. Initially we agreed that he would take over bills/mortgage after 3 months..didn't happen. And it hasn't yet. Like you, I want him to stay in the house particularly for stability for the children as he would not be able to afford to rent anywhere nicer than out house on the money he earns. I would be quite happy for him to stay in the house, pay the mortgage, for the forseeable future and agree to sell when the children are older. I earn a decent wage and can afford to rent somewhere nice but only when he starts paying.

Speaking from experience however...I have been too accommodating in order to keep the situation amicable for the children. I have essentially facilitated his inability to act like a grown up and he has continued to rely upon me for money even over a year after the split. If you do not do something now he will never step up to the mark..I have only just realised this. I have now told him that from next month I will stop paying the bills and will move to paying half the mortgage. The mortgage is all i care about. I suggest you transfer all bills to his name and drop some of your contribution to the mortgage. That gives warning. I have told ex that if he doesn't start paying we will have no choice but to sell, that is what solicitors have suggested I do.

Without your own place you cannot move on entirely. I am 14 months post split and happier than i have been in 10 years. I have a great job, fab dc's and an awesome new partner, i feel like i have a whole new start in life but, and it is a big but, the only things missing is my own place.

Sp whilst i understand your predicament. If you don't do something he never will. And you need to move on.

[Leavinghome]

Hi Elliepac. Thank you for posting, really reassuring to have a parallel experience. My husband doesn't have a job and I too have let avoid growing up, initially out of wanting to help him, then out of gratitude, then guilt but I can't do it anymore. I'm going to rent somewhere new, use some mortgage I've clawed back to pay it and the bills for a few months and talk to the bank about what happens when I can't pay anymore. The children need to have both their parents behaving like grown ups and if only I can change things then that's what I have to do. I moved into spare rooms for a few months and am now house sitting for a friend but I need a permanent home to share with the children. My daughter who is 12 was livid when I left her and is only too happy to move out, my son who is 14 is feeling guilty but knows that his Dad needs to change. We can't save our children from all of their life experiences but we can role model for them in the hope that they will learn good things from us. Thanks again for your message, it has really helped me.

[pocketsaviour]

If your children are going to be now living with you, then yes you should stop paying everything except the mortgage (and you should only be paying half of that.)

I accept your situation is probably very complicated but you must now put yours and your DCs well-being first. Your H is an adult and must learn to stand on his own two feet.

I would look at starting proceedings as someone above mentioned, in order to get the house sold. At least then your H will have a share of the equity (and I'm guessing far far more than he ever contributed to it...)