Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I need to start living again

(6 Posts)
fedupfreda Sun 05-Jul-15 20:09:49

My marriage of 25 years ended when I found out my husband was having an affair and had had a child with the woman. Although I discovered some awful things - like he'd send her pictures of our children as babies to show her what their kid might look like - I wasn't actually that shocked or devastated because it was the culmination of years of childish, selfish, deceptive behaviour. He was, basically, a tosser. problem is three years on and I'm a virtual recluse. I've thrown myself into my job and hidden away from any idea of having another relationship. I force myself to go out and go on holiday but I feel like a lost singleton freak and am only really comfortable at home on my own. On the relationship front, I guess I don't trust my judgement in men or my ability to get out of something that isn't right. I stuck at a bad relationship for a quarter of a century. I'm 45 and haven't got enough life left to make the same mistake again! What actually shocks me is when I see a good relationship - people loving and supporting each other and genuinely being friends. Can that really happen? I try not to be cynical, but I'm not sure I believe in love any more, or at least that I'll ever get a chance at it. A few words of hope from anyone who's been there would be much appreciated.

mrstweefromtweesville Sun 05-Jul-15 22:03:30

Get some counselling, join some classes. say 'yes' to invitations.
You are ready to enjoy yourself, you just need to find opportunities. People do online dating, you could try that, but just building up your life so that you have pleasant things to do will boost your confidence. Then when you meet someone, you'll be in a better position to know if he is really what you want, or not.

polkadotsocks Sun 05-Jul-15 22:19:54

I haven't been there yet but am a similar age to you and need to end my long marriage to someone who has turned out to be a tosser too. I am worried about being lonely and friendless but would rather that than put up with him and his rubbish.

Maybe try joining a few clubs locally to start to meet new people.I am about to start a slimming group to try to feel better about myself and to meet some local people. It's very hard though as I am not very sociable but I think sometimes you have to force yourself out of your comfort zone to make progress. Good luck

fedupfreda Sun 05-Jul-15 22:20:36

Thank you. My life is mad busy but hardly any of it is about me as a person. I think the counselling idea is a good one. Never done it before but it would be good to confront whatever it is I'm scared of.

fedupfreda Sun 05-Jul-15 22:29:31

Thank you polka dot and good luck to you too. I haven't a single regret about my marriage ending. Unbelievably I tried to carry on even after discovering what he'd done - but it got to the point where my every waking moment was spent thinking about how I had to divorce him and that I was living a complete lie. One morning I picked up the phone to the solicitor and that was it. No going back. You will know when that time comes for you. I just want to start really living again whatever that entails - not just a relationship - but doing stuff I used to love like music and running and interior design instead of the highlight of my week being watching the bloody Emmerdale omnibus.

Zebraface Mon 06-Jul-15 22:34:22

Hi Freda,
Sorry to hear about your marriage break up & its good that you recognise that you need to live a bit.
I too am emerging from 25 year marriage (although his choice to end,not mine). I think it takes a long time to recover after that length of marriage. I find I am very cynical about others relationships, would find it hard to trust again & tbh still feel that I have been damaged for life.
But,I have pushed myself to do things out of my comfort zone which has given me more convenient confidence.
Don't expect too much of yourself. Baby steps. Just choose 1 thing,maybe an exercise class,an evening class, something you can enjoy & this will maybe lead to social events etc. Don't be hard on yourself. It's normal confused

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: