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Do leavers ever look back and realise that they have walked away from a family who loved them all for a bit of "fun"

(55 Posts)
Bambino1234 Sun 05-Jul-15 17:45:25

My left in January.
I except he's not coming back.
I except I don't particularly want him back.

I don't understand though how you can walk away from a family and the reality of it all not hit you.

To know that two families have broken apart so that you can be with an OW

How it's possible not to speak about what has happened or why ?

And just bury your head in the sand.

To miss your family but it's not enough.

Does the loss ever hit them, will he ever feel loss like I have ?!

seastargirl Sun 05-Jul-15 17:51:56

Yes, my dad did. He's now a very lonely man living in a bedsit, with no contact with his children or grandchildren.

It took a long time, but since he left for my mum's best friend (they lasted 6 months) my mum has got a career, met a fabulous man, has gained 3 step children and 6 step grandchildren in addition to her biological grandchildren and is very happy and surrounded by people that love her.

She thought her world had ended, but when she looks back she now knows that it had only just begun. Sorry if that's too cheesy!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 05-Jul-15 18:01:09

I think it's very satisfying for the "left" to believe that the "leavers" regret their actions but suspect that in most cases they don't. They've often had a great deal of time to forge a relationship with the Other Party and a great deal of time to make their decision to leave. That process is denied those left behind.

I know my father regretted dumping our mother and running off with a younger model because he told me so. The grass was evidently not greener. But that was likely more to do with the qualities of the younger model and not the fact of the leaving of his original family.

theredjellybean Sun 05-Jul-15 19:17:02

I am sorry Bambino, especially as you got hurt , but in my situation - no neither my partner nor I regret leaving to be together. The circumstances maybe different to yours, I was in a marriage with a man who unilaterally decided to be celibate when I was only 33, he I think is probably gay or asexual. My partner and I met, while we were both married, we thought about our actions, and did nto carry on our affair for the sake of our families ( both have children) we left each other alone for 6 months and then made contact ( this had all been agreed) neither of us thought at that point we could make our marriages work so we left to be together.
I have worked very hard to ensure my dds understand adult relationships do not always work and that we tried hard to find a way to make them work , but they failed not due to the OW/OM but because the people involved were not happy and never could make each other happy.
We are now a relatively happy blended family and what I chose was to show my dds a normal healthy relationship model albeit at the sacrifice of me not seeing them every day.
My DP is showing the same to his DDs , that adult relationships can be loving, fun, supportive etc.
We think it is worth it and no regrets

theredjellybean Sun 05-Jul-15 19:20:06

i read a quote once which summed it up for me ...

' how did I know when it was time to get divorced....when the need to not see my spouse every day outweighed my need to see my children everyday'

this is crude but actually does resonate...

my DP and I both ( prior to meeting) had felt everyday was a grit my teeth and get through it day but at least i see my children everyday....now i dont grit my teeth , i positively love everyday , but yes i miss my dds on days i dont see them but we are all happier.

ChristinaTweet Sun 05-Jul-15 19:21:34

well said jellybean... sometimes it is better for all involved to move on from an unhappy relationship

theredjellybean Sun 05-Jul-15 19:25:43

thanks...thought i would get flamed...evil OW etc....I do know from reading on here that for many spouses who are just abruptly left it is devastating, i guess both me and DP did go back to our marriages and did the counselling/trying to work at/re fall in love etc etc but sadly sometimes it doesn't matter what you do it just aint there anymore. So our ex spouses didn't find us leaving a bolt from blue.
Its not all plain sailing, my ex was understanding and we are happier as friends now, but DP ex wife would rather they stayed and made each other miserable then they had split up...

Teabagbeforemilk Sun 05-Jul-15 19:49:49

I think most do, even if they stay with the OW/OM and never verbalise it.

Even if its just because they regret the way they did it and the hurt they caused, not because they don't want to be with the person they left for.

I think the majority of people can look back and think they didn't handle a situation in the best way. Even if they don't regret the outcome.

Sickoffrozen Sun 05-Jul-15 20:50:14

Mine didn't. He left for someone else, married her and had two more kids with her. Don't think he regrets it!

pocketsaviour Sun 05-Jul-15 20:54:10

I've never regretted leaving a relationship, and I did leave one relationship for another man (there wasn't an overlap though.)

I only regretted staying so long.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops Sun 05-Jul-15 21:43:00

I agree with Teabag . Most people would rather beat themselves to death with their own leg than admit they regret leaving an ex and family. It would be the kiss of death to their new arrangement and if they had no way back, why would they verbalise it. I bet in the wee small hours or when the OW turns into a rancorous harpy, they regret it though.

My ex asked to come back after he had gone 6 weeks and I said no. He then just drove back to hers and carried on with his affair and as far as I know he is with her still. I know he wanted to come back. A friend said I should have had him back for two weeks and booted him out as a finger up to the OW (letting her know where she stood sort of thing) but I was well above all that by then but I do have a wry smile on occasion knowing all in the garden is not roses.
I have since met DH and I did the right thing by not letting him back.

Offred Mon 06-Jul-15 02:24:34

I think some do and some don't. I think people who leave because they are selfish and bored and someone has turned their heads are most likely to regret it as they lose an established relationship that they have taken for granted and replace it with one they need to build up but often can't be bothered to.

I think people who stay too long in relationships which are shit but are powerless and afraid to leave and have exit affairs are most likely to be happy with the decision to go even if the affair doesn't last.

diggerdigsdogs Mon 06-Jul-15 02:51:23

my dad told me he regretted not making the marriage work.

my dh does not regret leaving his first wife but regrets not being more involved with his DC. I'm not the ow but we met after they were separated - I was the catalyst for the divorce (instead of just being separated dh filed) though.

I suspect it depends on the state of your marriage before AND how much you're able to lie to yourself.

Bambino1234 Mon 06-Jul-15 09:47:24

Theredjellybean
I do understand where you are coming from.
Having a six month break though knowing you were going to contact each other is only telling me that you went back but had a better off on the side waiting.

I do understand that marriages and relationships fail.
I understand that love dies.
But your partner would never admit to you that he regrets it, as I wouldn't if I were a leaver.

I'm not searching for some divine light to be shone on him - but at the same time, when you leave a family homeless, act in true selfishness and forget your children exist because this "love" you've found is so wonderful I do think there must come a point where you do feel like an utter toss pot for what you have done.

Thenapoleonofcrime Mon 06-Jul-15 13:15:43

Bambino I'm not sure everyone regrets leaving, but I think as you age, the consequences of your decision start to become very visible- in my dad's case, he is now not part of that large and welcoming family he chose to leave, and he can see my mum in a contented older age with a new partner and himself with much much less, as although his children and wider family have some minimal contact with him, it's not the same as being at the heart of the family at all. Family friends the same. I'm sure he has regretted it, but he still wouldn't stop behaving like a twat and I think he'd do so again.

My mum looks at the time my dad left her and thanks her lucky stars she escaped to a better more stable and all round nicer relationship, although at the time she felt like it was an utter failure. She was also happy single for a long time so it's not all about finding someone else.

theredjellybean Mon 06-Jul-15 14:43:20

you are right bambino - i now think our 6 months to work it out plan was probably doomed , I knew my marriage had failed years before meeting my now DP...i guess i wanted to be sure...or trying to ameliorate guilt...i dont know and I am definitely not proud of myself or smug or any of those other things. However for all I knew at 6 months my DP might have told me he had fixed his marriage and didn't want anything more to do with me...we took a gamble i guess that our feelings were real and we did both want an honest normal relationship and not an affair.
But neither me nor DP left any one homeless, or unsupported or abandoned our children. Some people do exit marriages without being absolute s**ts about it.
I really to extend genuine sympathy though to people ( men and women) who are left in awful circumstances...the stories on here make me horrified what some people will do , especially to their children.

theredjellybean Mon 06-Jul-15 14:46:12

and yes Bambino if that is what your ex dh did to you he is indeed an utter toss pot and i hope he knows and feels that.

Bambino1234 Mon 06-Jul-15 14:55:48

Theredjellybean
I didn't come here to scorn anyone after all they say the path to true love is rarely smooth and I guess sometimes you just know that you have met the person to make you happy.

I have found it most difficult to be sidelined, to have to start my life from scratch and ensure my childrens wellbeing whilst in the beginning of our split he was more interested in her and his job.
Settling two children should be the most important thing.

Twenty minutes ago my ex dropped off the children from his fortnightly visit. He spent 40 minutes talking to me, pruning my hanging baskets, asking how my family are, asking me about things and general chat - most drop offs I have to hint at him leaving, he had already called three times when the children were with him these are things that make me think that perhaps the family life he walked from wasn"t so bad at all.

theredjellybean Mon 06-Jul-15 15:01:17

i didnt think you were being scornful....i ruminate a lot on my actions and have great difficulty in coming to terms with hurt caused however hard i tried to make it as least hurtful as possible.

Your ex either is now finding the grass inst greener or he is feeling guilty and trying to make himself feel better.

the grass is greenest were you water it ! hence why affairs sometimes seem so much the better relationship because when in throes of it you devote a lot of time and energy to them ...

what would you do if he asked to come back ?
do you want him back ?
I have plenty of scorn for men ( and women) who abandon their children....you can leave and still be a a parent

Bambino1234 Mon 06-Jul-15 15:21:02

I don't want him back.
I would have just liked all of this effort and thought he shows now a few months ago when I was on my knees and had two children to help through this, that is when I needed the attention and help.

I just find it hard that even if you don't love someone it doesn't excuse the hurtful manner you do things in - I mean there's leaving and then there's leaving after dumping a block of crap at someone's door.
How I have been treated I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.
It ruined my character and self esteem.
Made me doubt myself as a mother.
I'm not a bad person and I didn't treat him badly in fact as far as I was aware we were a normal couple, he never spoke of his misery and we barely argued we were excited for a new move and business project.
So it was a shock. Life goes on and it appears my life is slowly getting better.

I suppose in time I will accept that he left and it doesn't matter if it were a whim or a long thought out choice because if he came back I wouldn't let him and if he chose not to come back I still wouldn't have him so I guess either way the door is closed

yougotafriend Mon 06-Jul-15 15:34:27

I am a leaver.... No OM though, just reached the end of my rope.

I miss seeing my kids everyday but not as much as I couldn't stand living with their dad everyday. They're late teenage boys also realistically I didn't spend much quality time with them anymore anyway (we have a great time now).

No regrets whatsoever.

SickInBedOnTwoChairs Thu 09-Jul-15 06:47:47

It sounds like a case of he only has enough blood for his cock or his brain not both, and in that moment he was using his cock but that is now not the case. Sorry to sound so crude but this explains the way some men work. I think my ex was overwhelmed by the OW and living in a love bubble. The bubble burst and he could see clearly what he had lost but it was well lost by then.
I think it did make him miserable for a while that he had done what he had done but he would not have felt like that for long as I think he was in some sort of mid life crisis where he seemed to have the attention span of a goldfish anyway so presumably this new thinking mode carried him through until he was content again?

redtulip68 Thu 09-Jul-15 07:17:14

When my Ex left he referred to it as 'crossing the line'. He knew he could never come back. As for regrets....I have asked him and he's only regret is the manner in which he left (when the children and I were in bed) and the fact that he never spoke to the children about it.

He has always been the kind that once he made a decision he could never come back from it, regardless of whether it is right or wrong! Nearly four years on I'm glad he went. I've grown as a person, I have two lovely children who are a credit to ME, a wonderful new partner who is always there for me and a life. The only thing I regret is that he has subsequently failed to be a father to our two children but that is his choice.

Bambino1234 Thu 09-Jul-15 07:38:31

Thank you all for your replies.
I do understand everyone is different and situations are different.

I also want to make it clear I understand that people can fall out of love, they can choose to leave and fall in love with someone elsewhere, I really do get it.

It's the ones who seem to just leave on a whim.
Had their heads turned at a flick of a switch and just go leaving a family in a pile of dust.

My partner didn't care if I was homeless or that I struggled to find work to fit around the children.
I guess that anyone with a moral conscience will look back and say I shouldn't have left like that etc.

MrsSkywalker205 Thu 09-Jul-15 07:49:34

Mine didn't walk, he was pushed after I decided I wasn't going to try any more when he wasn't.

He realised very soon after and even now I can tell he regrets it because she (OW) is vile actually.

It makes me smile.

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