Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Wife talking to ex

(23 Posts)
Hubbahubby Sun 05-Jul-15 17:03:15

My oh has started talking to her exes - sometimes intimately - what should I do?

ItsMyFuckingWedding Sun 05-Jul-15 17:14:00

I think we need a little more information.

What history with the ex
What are they discussing
How are they communicating

Hubbahubby Sun 05-Jul-15 17:54:53

He's an ex from about 5 years before we met. They had a great thing to start with but it went wrong that is all I know. It was just chat in the past but has become full on recently. She left her messages open in the pc and he's sent explicit shots with her permission. Fantasy stuff too as well as reliving previous sex life. I don't know what else has been going on
I'm heartbroken

Hubbahubby Sun 05-Jul-15 17:55:32

Others are more innocent at the moment

TurnItIn Sun 05-Jul-15 17:56:36

How horrible. Have you talked to her about it?

Hubbahubby Sun 05-Jul-15 17:58:29

She doesn't know I've seen her messages and I'm torn about telling her. Do I wait and see or do I tell her I've seen the last few weeks messages and appear that I don't trust her? So confused

Hissy Sun 05-Jul-15 18:03:44

End it. She's a cheat and a liar.

Hissy Sun 05-Jul-15 18:05:22

Don't give her any satisfaction of opening up the can of worms that is why you have seen her treachery, just tell her that it's over, that you are ending the relationship and that she has full space to move on, or backwards to wherever she wants.

ItsMyFuckingWedding Sun 05-Jul-15 18:05:29

Wow that's awful.

I would leave if I were you, the lack of respect is astounding. However we all have our own boundaries and if this isn't a dealbreaker for you so be it,you still need to talk about it though.

Hissy Sun 05-Jul-15 18:08:13

I know you hurt, but trust me, do the thing you must do - end it- and you'll start feeling better sooner. Sometimes we have to let the head lead the heart. This is what you must do today.

Kewcumber Sun 05-Jul-15 18:08:16

What are you confused about?

Explicit pictures and raunchy sex chat is cheating in most peoples book.

Hubbahubby Sun 05-Jul-15 18:13:56

We have kids

Anotheroneofme Sun 05-Jul-15 18:41:57

Has it gone further than messaging? You must decide if just messaging is grounds enough to end your marriage

Hissy Sun 05-Jul-15 22:52:28

tell her to go, you need space to work out what you want to do. She needs to see what she'll lose. The kids stay with you.

pocketsaviour Sun 05-Jul-15 23:07:29

Explicit pictures and raunchy sex chat is cheating in most peoples book.

Although it's important to note that it doesn't meet the legal definition of adultery.

OP I agree with Hissy, ask her to move out for a bit so you can have a think about what you want. If she went on her own for a bit, could you manage the kids?

Theoldcauliflower Sun 05-Jul-15 23:07:35

It's so hard when there's kids involved, are they little? For me I would have to go, and I did with my ex I found out and 6 hours later I was gone! She's completely taking the piss love, sorry this has happened to you it's truly awful x

SickInBedOnTwoChairs Sun 05-Jul-15 23:25:21

What do you actually WANT to do OP? Is the trust gone forever or do you think you can get past this if you can understand why she has done it etc. It would be a deal breaker for me as it is not only cheating but underhand and hidden cheating (or an attempt at it) but are there extenuating circumstances ? You must do what you want. Do't be manipulated by her minimising her actions and not taking responsibility for her bad behaviour. Get some RL support from family or friend.

Offred Mon 06-Jul-15 01:24:19

I also think you have to break up but disagree about the kids staying with you.

Kids will never thank you for being used as a pawn in a war between their parents.

If she is currently the main carer then things should stay that way, you should split up and work towards a shared parenting arrangement. Keep the children's lives stable and do not alienate her from her children just because she is a bad wife.

Hissy Mon 06-Jul-15 14:32:38

the W needs to leave to allow her H to understand what HE wants and to work out what is possible.

This is the advice we give women when they discover an affair. the cheater HAS to leave for a bit, the children stay put, the wronged party stays put.

No, it might not be a permanent arrangement, but the cheat needs to see what they are jeopardising for there to be any chance of them mending their ways.

The H here has suffered enough for the moment.

DrMorbius Mon 06-Jul-15 15:01:30

If this is the first time you have experienced anything like this, I would recommend you spend some time and read the various threads on here (including) Wife's cheating - please help and the various posts by Tom Husband's affair

Reading these posts you will get an understanding of the "cheaters script" that will follow, once you confront your Wife. (she didn't mean it, nothing happened etc).

Also these posts contain a wealth of good advice (including books to read) on how to deal with an affair (sexual and/or emotional).

These will help you formulate your actions. Good Luck

Offred Mon 06-Jul-15 17:50:23

Sorry but I think that is terrible advice hissy and untrue. People often tell people who have been cheated on that they need time away from their partner to think yes.

I completely disagree that if someone cheats they should have their children removed from their care to "show them what they have done". That's despicable and abusive behaviour.

The children's stability is always the priority no matter what is going on in the relationship between the adults.

The adults may need space from each other to think so that should be worked out in such a way as to minimise the effect on the DC and then a more permanent arrangement would have to be agreed, again with the children's needs in mind, as decisions were made about the adult relationship.

Offred Mon 06-Jul-15 17:54:07

Who leaves and where they go depends on what is best for the family as a whole.

You simply cannot have a blanket 'you cheated now you don't get to see the DC for awhile while I think what to do' response whether the cheater is make or female. I'd never have done that when XP cheated. Never.

It's what my xh is subjecting me to now - trying to restrict my contact as punishment for leaving him (not cheating) and it's having a horrible effect on the DC.

Hissy Mon 06-Jul-15 21:01:36

Wrote a post explaining better what I meant as it's been misinterpreted,but it got lost. It does not matter, the only people that are of any importance here are the op and the children, the w chose to cheat, she has to be the one to realise what her actions can cause and take responsibility for it.

Not just friends by Shirley glass is a good book to help couples work through infidelity, but only when the cheat accepts and understands what they've risked.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now