Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Affair, forgiven: I made a mistake.

(23 Posts)
Strongbutlost Sun 05-Jul-15 14:46:39

I will try to keep this short.

Back at the beginning of this year I found out, by reading my partners messages, that he had been sleeping with numerous women, continuing to then date them and also having an affair with a married women with two kids, he had not had sex with that lady but I read the love messages, the lies of weekends away and I was a broken women. They were utterly in love.

At the time I was on antidepressants because I had quite simply hit rock bottom, I had believed his lies but equally something in my mind told me they weren't true. I was lonely and believed I was at fault so went on the medication.

I stupidly chose to forgive my partner of all these infidelities: in doing so I also stopped my medication (forced by him: although I'm glad now). I have lost my life long friends who still say they love me but I don't have the guts to see them or the energy to answer there questions.

In stopping my medication I believe I've actually worked through the fog of the previous year of total lies and that I now regret my choice (although I would have been a mess if I'd left then). What do I do. I'm finding it very hard to walk Away or even discuss it. He is a very attractive man, can be very kind and caring man at time, he has "tried" quite hard to change and certainly has stopped all the relationships.

However I'm not happy and I'm wondering if I ever can be with him. He still tells me I need to lose weight for him to fancy me (I am now a larger 10 not a 6/8 as was petite). He has a temper that sinks me into depression every time) and mostly he has an obsession with women: be that porn, Facebook, through work etc.
I have no fun anymore with him, we share no hobbies and he emotionally controls what I do...
He is incredibly secretive over his emails and phone and Facebook: to rhe extent he hides when I'm near him.

We are in our 20.s, share a rented flat and have no children. Financially either can leave apart from the issue of living.

I basically am still quite weak and don't know how to walk... I will be faced with someone who is hurt as he loves me and very angry (he will hate that he gave up the other women for me and then I leave).

How have others had the motivation to leave. I have many friends who will support me. I've thought about councilling but I cancel every time.

SusanIvanova Sun 05-Jul-15 14:53:49

You don't need any more of a reason to leave than being unhappy. That being said he's certainly given you more than enough other reasons to leave. He's a user with a temper and you can walk away, be worth your friends and be happy. Sod what he thinks, he cheated on you. I'm sorry to say it but he doesn't love you, he will be angry because he lost control.

category1 Sun 05-Jul-15 14:54:15

Take this post and email/message it to one of your very good friends that you're afraid to see, and ask them at the end to come help you pack. Telling people, for me, has been a big help.

SusanIvanova Sun 05-Jul-15 14:54:29

be with your friends. not worth blush

Balders74 Sun 05-Jul-15 14:56:09

Goodness he has you exactly where he wants you. Your self confidence is at Rock bottom & he sounds very controlling. Please do a search for the Freedom Programme and hopefully this will give you the tools to help you leave.

You are young and have no children so no ties to this person. And I'm sorry but if he really loved you then he would have cheated on you with multiple people!!

Get out while you still have some self respect. Don't worry about his reaction just look after yourself.

CatsandCrumble Sun 05-Jul-15 15:00:49

(he will hate that he gave up the other women for me and then I leave).

tough on him really. He is extremely lucky that you even gave him the chance to try to change things.

However, a man who tells you to lose weight so he can fancy is you, has a temper and is secretive with phone/FB is NOT kind and caring.

As category said, pluck up the courage to contact a friend and get out.

MatildaTheCat Sun 05-Jul-15 15:23:53

You can't begin to recover whilst you stay with this cheat. Tell as many friends and family as you feel you can, ask for their support and go. Sever all contact and don't engage with any more.

One day you will be so very glad you did this and found out in time. flowers

And the fact that he will be annoyed/ sad that he finished with these women for you? hmm. odd that he's still so secretive with his phone

Go, there is a nice world waiting for you.

BettyCatKitten Sun 05-Jul-15 15:41:29

Get out now, you're worth more than this cheating twat. As for telling you you're too big to fancy as you're a size 10 and not 6/8 shock what a knob!

goddessofsmallthings Sun 05-Jul-15 15:46:47

He is incredibly secretive over his emails and phone and Facebook: to rhe extent he hides when I'm near him.

He 'certainly' hasn't 'stopped all the relationships' with other women and you are continuing to delude yourself if you think otherwise.

Go back on the meds, reach out to your lifelong friends, and keep posting here because you need to break free of this emotionally abusive and controlling misogynist before he breaks you.

Men like him aren't capable of loving anyone except themselves and he'll always treat those women who are sufficiently naive to fall for him in the same way he's treated you.

tallwivglasses Sun 05-Jul-15 15:49:10

He's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Get rid - you deserve better.

Sickoffrozen Sun 05-Jul-15 15:50:41

Don't worry about his future, I will bet you he has someone else within 6 weeks of you dumping him!

Don't waste your life on someone like him especially as you don't have children to consider. You will never e enough for him and this not chasing other women act is just that- he will be back doing that before too long if you stay.

GoldfishCrackers Sun 05-Jul-15 15:56:28

What an utter bastard. He's controlling (forcing you to stop taking the medicine you were prescribed by your doctor), unfaithful, has a temper that affects your mental health, tells you that at a healthy, slim size 10, you're still not thin enough.
See a counsellor. Tell your friends what life with him is like for you. Keep posting here. Hold your head up high and thank god that you don't have children with this piece of shit. You're so much better than this. You're so young. Get rid of this guy and have the lovely life you're meant to have.

clam Sun 05-Jul-15 15:58:16

My word, he's done a number on you, hasn't he?

Please get away from this man.

Fearless91 Sun 05-Jul-15 15:58:28

OP I'm so sorry. You deserve a million times more than him which is why I'm going to be brutally honest with you -

He does not love you. He doesn't respect you.

If he loved and respected you he wouldn't have slept with 1 woman let alone several. He wouldn't talk to you like shit if he cared about you.

If you want to walk away from this nasty human being then do so! Do it now! He'll probably put on the 'I'm so gutted' act but he'll probably then turn quite nasty and have another girlfriend within a few weeks. People like him don't love others, they just love themselves.

Do you want to live your life this way with this man for the next 60 years?

Hassled Sun 05-Jul-15 16:03:15

If you're struggling to cope with the emotional aspect of leaving, focus instead on the practicalities. Do you work? Do you earn enough to rent your own place? What's available in your area - spend time on RightMove. How much stuff to pack - a car load or would you need a van?

I think once you have all that clear in your mind, the actual process of going will seem much more straightforward. And yes, he may well be hurt and angry, but you'll both get over it. And you'll have the chance of meeting a decent, honest man.

DragonsCanHop Sun 05-Jul-15 16:05:46

In your 20s with no children. Run away and enjoy your life with out him.

iwashappy Sun 05-Jul-15 16:17:16

Your motivation to leave is that you will be happier without him. He doesn't sound like he makes you happy in any shape or form, frankly he sounds horrible.

You are fortunate to be in a situation where you don't have any ties to this man; no children and no mortgage. You have your whole life ahead of you, please don't waste it on this man.

I made the decision to end my marriage last year after discovering my husband was having an affair. We had, I thought, a good marriage. I had lots of possible reasons to stay - our children, house, shared business, we had been happily married, I thought he was a good man. But I couldn't stay with a man who thought it acceptable to cheat on me and who must have had so little respect for me to have done that.

It was really hard but I don't regret ending my marriage because a man like that isn't worthy of your love. I am not happy, but I am happier than I would have been if I had stayed with him and I hope and believe, in time, that my life will be brighter again. I believe your life will be happier too if you leave this man - he cheats on you, he's abusive, a bad temper, controlling, you don't enjoy your life and you have nothing in common. There is nothing to stay for other than familiarity and none of what is familiar sounds appealing.

Please get in touch with one of your friends and get the real life support that will enable you to leave and build a happy life for yourself. You will get lots of help and support to leave on here too. Don't waste your life being miserable.

happyh0tel Sun 05-Jul-15 16:34:13

You are unhappy

You are young

You have no children

Your friends are like gold, very rare & will help you

Leave, start a new positive life without this man !

Do something you want to do without this man eg travel, start a new job, go on holiday, start an evening class, take time to be yourself

Set yourself some daily goals
Short term goals
Long term goals

You deserve better

BolshierAyraStark Sun 05-Jul-15 17:13:34

Please tell just one of your friends & let them help you, you're young & don't deserve to deal with this shit. Take the opportunity to walk away now & start over, while you still have the chance.
Do not think about how this will make your fuckwit partner feel, nobody cares.

Lweji Sun 05-Jul-15 17:17:24

He still tells me I need to lose weight for him to fancy me

He doesn't love you.

Even without the rest.

He won't be hurt, perhaps apart from his dented pride, but that is all.

Penfold007 Sun 05-Jul-15 17:23:10

Just being unhappy is a good enough reason to walk away. You are strong so go on make that move and walk away.

junebirthdaygirl Sun 05-Jul-15 19:20:11

Your depression will almost certainly go when you leave. You will not be a victim waiting to see how he will behave but you will be a beautiful strong woman taking charge of your own life. Do it. You will not look back.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 05-Jul-15 19:49:33

You're so lucky - you're young, no kids and no financial ties. Thank god. You can get out and you will. You deserve so much more than this emotionally abusive, sexually incontinent fucker can ever give you.
Call your old friends and tell them everything.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now