Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Not sure what I'm asking for... Reassurance maybe.(8 Posts)
I know I'm a guy, but all men know that ladies give the best relationship advice ;)
Long story, but the short version is :-
Married my childhood girlfriend, had two beautiful daughters. Unknown to me I was suffering from PTSD from events which happened during my time in the forces. This also led to depression, and gradually grew to affect me more and more during my 20's and 30's until I finally realised something was wrong and got some help. By then the damage was done. I'd thrown everything at my ex, including affairs and emotional abuse and still she stuck by me, until one day she admitted she was scared of me and it was like a bullet through my heart. I couldn't stay any longer and left 5 years ago.
Throughout all this, I really cannot ever remember feeling love for anyone. My kids yes... But not my wife, family or anyone else. I was almost without emotion other than anger. Strangely, when my 17 year old cat died, I totally broke down. MY pshrink told me all this is normal with someone suffering PTSD, but that doesn't make it easier to accept.
Eventually I found a treatment which worked, and I truly feel like a totally different person to the one I was for over 20 years.
The last 5 years I've done my share of having fun, dating short term relationships etc... but mostly tried to be there as much as possible for my kids, and to help my ex as much as possible, probably to assuage some of the guilt I feel about how I treated her.
Queue a new lady on the scene. We met and just clicked. For whatever reason we tried to just be fwb. I think it suited us both at the time because we wanted different things from our futures and I had just finished a fairly turbulent but passionate short term fling.
Over time I started to feel more for her, and suddenly found myself admitting to her I loved her. That I wanted to try and make a go of things even having more children.
Without giving too much detail, something happened which suddenly made her put the time we'd be FWB under scrutiny. I was unable to convince her the assumptions she'd made were incorrect, and she cut me off. Just totally blanked me.
So three months on, hope has been lost and I am trying to move on. On reflection I realised that for the first time since I can ever remember, I really, fell deeply in love with someone else. I'd never felt it that I could remember. And I liked it. But damn losing it is hurting still.
So the reassurance I guess I'm after is this. Can you ever find that sort of love again ? I feel like I've had my two best shots with my ex wife and this lady and blown both. Is it possible to be lucky again ?
The thing about fwb is that the boundaries are quite fixed, in that you have that sort of relationship because you specifically don't want to get long term or attached. If you start to expect something else then she probably is going to run a mile.
However being in a long term relationship its nothing to do with luck, if you stop trying to fuck every woman you come across you may have more success.
That is such a MN response, midnight. Where does OP say he has been fucking every woman he meets?
OP. Now you know it is possible, all is not lost. But, if I am going to be really honest, fwb is something I personally would find a turn off. If I man I met told me he had had such a relationship I would re evaluate him, negatively.
But, as I said, you know that you can feel that way again. So slow, down a bit and only date if you mean it, iyswim
The boundaries changed by mutual agreement... That's why it was such a shock. The things we said to each other left me in no doubt as to the depth of feeling involved on both sides.
The question wasn't about whether I'd find a long term relationship. That's possible for anyone to do. You just have to compromise enough of your desires and put up with whoever you find. It's about whether it's possible to find that sort of love again. The sort that means you don't have to compromise...
I'm impressed about how you managed to deduce that from my post. Personally, I thought I'd done anything BUT try to fuck every women I came across. It felt more like I'd tried to fit my life around my kids, and in the time I had to myself, treat any lady I met with respect and see what happened. Sometimes sex, sometimes not. But always with mutual agreement. In the real world, it's possible for single adults to have sex without knowing if there is a wedding at the end of it.
Thanks Lazyloulou. I can honestly say, FWB will not be happening in my life again. If nothing else it meant I wasn't really available to date anyone else properly. In this particular case it all made sense at the time for both of us. Looking back, I should have clubbed her over the head and dragged her off to make her mine ( that is a joke btw ;-) )
I know how you feel Rock. I split from my H at the beginning of the year. I'm not sure if I ever really deeply fell in love with him. For me I thought he was the safe option but unfortunately he was actually an arse!
So now I am 41 single with 2 DC & wondering if I will ever find real love. Everyone seems to be damaged in some way & I am very wary. Although it is early days for me & I have not even started looking.
I would say that if you are open to it & now you know you can feel it then don't give up.
And we'll done for sorting out all your shit.
Hahahaa Lazy & OP
I deduced it from phrases like this scattered all the way through: The last 5 years I've done my share of having fun, dating short term relationships, we tried to just be fwb, passionate short term fling.
Luckily Midnightvelvet, I'm a gentleman... I could deduce many things from your post and put them here if I wanted. But they're not relevant, nor would I do it due to the aforementioned gentleman type that I am. If I told you the whole story, you'd have even more ammunition to form an incorrect opinion of me by, so luckily it's not all there.
Ask yourself this... If a woman had posted that after her divorce she'd had fun and tried FWB, then fell in love would you say the same thing, or would you cheer her on for enjoying her life ?
Now, I must remember the number one rule of any message board. Don't feed the trolls.
Thanks Balders... I'm not the sort to give up... But this did come as a hefty kick to the nads. I'm sure you'll find someone when you're ready. If nothing else you may come through all this knowing exactly what you want, which always helps when it comes to finding it !
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.