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When you're not sure about the physical attraction... can it grow or is it doomed?

(36 Posts)
newtothos01 Sun 05-Jul-15 11:34:59

I have had two serious relationships in the past, and I am now 32.

I decided to start online dating a couple of months ago, and have met up with a couple of people. One of which was very keen from day one, and I wasn't physically attracted to him. But, as the third and fourth date has happened, I am finding that there is a physical spark slowly emerging. In terms of everything else, I am hugely attracted to him - we speak all the time and I absolutely love hearing from him. He challenges me too, which I like, and is incredibly kind.

My question is... when are you sure? And if you're not sure from the word go, isn't that a bad thing? My sister/mum/couple of friends tell me that sometimes you have to wait and 'give someone a chance,' and the feelings can grow. But others say that they met their partner and that was it... couldn't live without them, wanted to shag them there and then etc etc etc.

At this point I really am just 'seeing how it goes, because I am interested to an extent, but not fully in terms of the complete physical (we have kissed and it was amazing, though). I've never done this before, and always had an initial full on attraction where I fancy them like mad. I guess my question is... is this doomed eventually anyway because the physical spark isn't there?

Thanks in advance for any answers!

Joysmum Sun 05-Jul-15 11:58:45

DH and I were best mates for years, I was really attracted to who he is but not physically.

Then one day had made a move on me, it was good and we've never looked back. He's not my type physically but he's the best I've ever had and we are great together in the non-physical partnership sense.

I'm glad he made the move as I never would have blush

mrsdavidbowie Sun 05-Jul-15 12:02:20

I have recently met someone who is gorgeous, sexy, kind, intelligent, funny, attentive, stimulating.. .physically he is different to previous partners.
But that doesn't matter.

tinymeteor Sun 05-Jul-15 12:13:29

It can definitely grow. Stop over-thinking it and go on some more dates!

MarinaCoyle Sun 05-Jul-15 12:21:14

It can grow. I've usually ended up finding my partners more attractive physically as I've gotten to know them, whether or not there was an instant "spark" (which I often think isn't necessarily about looks anyway; more about a sort of razor sharp wit and flirty banter). Sometimes an overwhelming spark can blind you to deficiencies of character too so it's not all good. Sounds like there's something worth pursuing there. I'd investigate further.

venusandmars Sun 05-Jul-15 12:31:29

It doesn't sound as though there is NO spark, just that it is growing slowly rather than being instant and lustful. But your previous partners (where it was like that) are not people you are with any more.... what might that tell you? perhaps that all the other things that you finding attractive about this new guy are actually the ones which are important for developing and keeping a long term (maybe even forever) relationship.

I have been with my dp for 20 years. He would not have been 'my type'. But the things which keep us strong together are mutual respect, kindness caring and compassion, a shared sense of humour, a healthy blend of challenge and support, similar values in life.... and from this standpoint the physical is easy and natural and longlasting.

Previously I have felt madly attracted but then later found fundamental differences (e.g. approaches to finance or honesty) which could not be overcome by physical attraction.

I think Louis de Bernieres sums it up well in Captain Corelli's Mandolin:
"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two."

newtothos01 Sun 05-Jul-15 12:44:51

Thank you so much for these replies, they have really helped!!!!!

GatoradeMeBitch Sun 05-Jul-15 12:53:08

From what you say there does seem to be a growing chemistry between you. If it's organic and it's not that you are desperately looking for attractive things in him, and if the kiss was genuinely great, then you have nothing to worry about!

newtothos01 Sun 05-Jul-15 12:55:36

I think it is organic... i'm not sure though!!! I like him a lot so I do want there to be some sort of attraction there. I don't think I can force it though, so I guess it will either appear or it won't.

Both my exs were quite attractive and so it was easy. I've not had this uncertain stage before... but then again, my exs turned out to be selfish bastards so perhaps there's a theme there!!

CaramellaDeVille Sun 05-Jul-15 13:00:22

It can grow. 19 years on it grows all the time for me with my DH and I wasn't at all sure when we met! (We were 18). If everything else is good I'd say go for it. I'm so glad I did!

Milllii Sun 05-Jul-15 13:11:13

Venus loved your post smile

moomoomummy Sun 05-Jul-15 13:26:09

Reading your post reminded me so much if my life. Met my husband at age of 33 on an online dating site. We dated for 6 weeks after which I finished the relationship as I thought he wasn't right for me. It wasn't really physical attraction but lots of little things. 3 months later we got back in touch and he gave me a letter , 3 pages long, listing all the things he liked / loved about me. He said that he wanted me to know even if nothing came of it. This stopped me in my tracks. Noone had ever said so many nice things to me before. We got back together and I really really wanted to make it work, however I was still so unsure. But one day something clicked and it became more serious and I became certain. I was pregnant within a year and we have 2 lovely kids. This was 10 years ago.
So its a long winded way of answering you question of " Can it work if its not instant? '" . Yes it did for me. I fancied him from the start and attraction physically was always there. I believe you cant make that happen. I think I was looking for all the wrong things in a life partner and didn't realise it was right in front of my nose. Good luck.

moomoomummy Sun 05-Jul-15 13:28:06

I had been out with some twats too before him - good looking twats. Would have made crap husbands or fathers.

newtothos01 Sun 05-Jul-15 13:33:40

moom thanks for your reply, I am a bit confused with the last part though.. do you mean that you did fancy him from the start but there were more personality things that you didnt?

it's lovely to hear that you went on to have a family smile

moomoomummy Sun 05-Jul-15 13:41:26

I did fancy him from the start . The things that made me unsure were all pretty silly looking back. He got really drunk the first time I introduced him to my friends, Arrived barely able to speak and I was livid. The other things were - his teeth were quite yellow and didn't like his clothes!!! makes me sound so superficial. I also thought he was too short. now I don't even notice his height! So now I am listing things which actually were about appearance and thus they must have affected how I was attracted to him. I take it back , I was uncertain at first. Other things took over and I began to love him for all the right reasons. Oh and he bleached his teeth - without me asking!

newtothos01 Sun 05-Jul-15 13:45:11

smile thank you for this story!! it's made me feel more positive about it and at least given me confidence that it's not a total waste of time to just carry on and see what happens...


moomoomummy Sun 05-Jul-15 13:45:25

Hang in there as I think you sound so similar to me. To this day I feel so lucky that I gave him a chance. When times are tough and you have babies, sleepless nights etc, you want a kind, loving man. Not the best looking/ best sex blokes that you have been out with. I am not says you should settle for someone who isn't right for you but things change as you get older and maybe you haven't been ready for a nice guy until now

newtothos01 Sun 05-Jul-15 13:47:35

thanks so much smile totally uplifted my day as I was feeling all over the place this morning and he's really keen and I was all unsure! Going to give it a few more dates smile thank you x

ALaughAMinute Sun 05-Jul-15 13:56:49

Sometimes the only way to find out if you really fancy somebody is to go to bed with them. If the kiss was amazing and you like him, I'd say that was a good start.

bertsdinner Sun 05-Jul-15 20:43:06

I think it can grow. I've slowly fallen in lust with some blokes I would never find attractive usually.
I once had a work colleague who was not remotely what I would call attractive, quite the opposite in fact. But, he was funny, intelligent, witty anda great conversationalist.
That made him very attractive, and his looks grew on me.

SoozeyHoozey Sun 05-Jul-15 22:19:11

I was mates with dp for a couple of years before we got together, we weren't sexually attracted to each other for most of that time, we were just incredibly emotionally close. Now we're having a baby together smile

newtothos01 Mon 06-Jul-15 10:06:30

Thanks for all the replies smile

soozey although it's not been very long, (only a few weeks!), I feel incredibly close to him emotionally and it's amazing, I love it. The kisses are all good as well, it's just the thought of it going further...I feel a bit superficial!! He does get more attractive the more time I spend with him smile

Anniegetyourgun Mon 06-Jul-15 10:22:05

Here is a topical song:

newtothos01 Mon 06-Jul-15 10:48:03

Haha smile thanks! Wonder why physical attraction can start suddenly with some, then diminish... from the other perspective!

Thenapoleonofcrime Mon 06-Jul-15 10:59:02

If you felt sparks when you kissed, then that's a great sign of chemical compatibility, much more reliable than looking at someone on the outside. I have thought guys are really good looking, but they haven't then been great kissers- or there's just not that chemical spark. I think you are heading in the right direction, how exciting!

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