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Is my marriage over? Very long, sorry in advance..

79 replies

tinfoilhat · 05/07/2015 00:17

There is so much that needs to be told, I could go on and on, sorry this will be long, please bear with me...
DH and I have been married 9 yrs, together for 12. He is now 54, 13 yrs older than me. We have 2 DC, 5 and 3.
Basically, the dynamic that worked when we didn't have DC, is a complete fucking nightmare now that we have them.
I have always been the strong partner in the relationship, he was a very laid-back, chilled out, guitar-playing sensitive, arty type, very thoughtful and generous. I was very independent, gutsy and liked being in control. I knew he had not a pot to piss in, had always rented accomodation, he didn't value money because he saw how much more important other things were in life. (How romantic, I thought!) I had just brought my second house. He moved in after we'd been together a year.
Looking back, red flags should have gone up when he started avoiding social situations and family gatherings, only a few months in to our relationship. I just saw it as he was so content with just the two of us.

We were very happy, then during our first pregnancy it all went tits-up.
A few months into the pregnancy he started worrying about his health and a sequence of scans to investigate his concerns were carried out, all clear. He felt bad that this had taken the limelight off of me when it should have been 'my time' but i of course said don't be so silly. He began falling asleep on the sofa and not coming to bed, we hardly ever had sex whilst i was pregnant because he said it didn't seem right, even though I was desperatly horny! I thought he would be the most caring and attentive dad-to-be but he wasn't, would hardly go near the bump and kept 'forgetting' to take pictures of me as I got bigger. The day after i started my maternity leave he got made redundant. He got a reasonable pay off so we thought, let's enjoy the first few months of our baby together and then he'll look for a job. At 8 1/2 months pregnant I had to dash him to A&e as he had what turned out to be Pnemonia. He was bed ridden for two weeks whilst I desperatly tried to do the decorating that had been left to the last minute. (Mr laid-back turned out to be Mr completely incompetent in the house.) Once my due date arrived I had to keep asking him to sleep in our room in case I needed him in the night, not on the sofa. He didn't manage it very often. Baby arrived safely, all very happy. It was intense to say the least us both being home with the baby - we fussed and fretted over him and, i see now, excluded other family members. As my sister has since said 'it was like you both built up this brick wall and no one could get in.' By the time DC1 was a few months old and DH started to look for work, the recession had kicked in and the bottom dropped out of the job market in his field. I went back to work when DC1 was 10months old because of this, when our mutually agreed plan was that i would stay home to bring him up. Just after DC1 was a year old, i found out I was pregnant. (We had done it exactly twice since DC1 was born.) Although we felt very lucky and did want a DC2, the timing because of DH not having a job was awful. Two days after we found out, DH's mum died suddenly, although she had been ill for some time but it wasn't expected. I was fearing greatly for DH's mental health, he was already very low due to the work situation, our relationship was awful and he went on anti-d's. I worked throughout second pregnancy, but took lots of time off because DH frequently couldn't cope, his request, not mine. Eventually I got signed off for two weeks due to DH's stress (not mine!) as he just couldn't deal with things. I felt that, yet again, I couldn't 'enjoy' my pregnancy because his needs had taken over. I felt awful and selfish thinking this way because of all that DH had been through. By now he was avoiding contact with my family, not even coming downstairs to say hello if they came round.
DC2 arrived safely, still no job for DH. Many thoughts that he should have just taken ANY job, but he seemed to talk his way out of why he didn't. DC2 had silent reflux and I found things really tough with the constant crying and feeling guilty that my precious DC1 was so seemingly neglected. When DC2 was a few months old, my very dear friend and work colleague who was like a Mum to me, was diagnosed with lung cancer and died within two weeks. By this time my sisters were virtually non-existent in my life, just doing their duty at birthdays and Christmas. A few months later DH finally picked up a contract for work, things were looking up. Then, when DC2 was 10months old, my Mum died. She had had a major stroke 8 yrs previously and was paralysed and couldn't talk, but she then got a lung disease and deteriorated very quickly within a few weeks. My sisters acted very callously around this time towards me and it became blindingly obvious they didn't give a shit for me any more. Just before my Mum died, I gave my notice in at work.
A few months later DH's contract wasn't renewed and we were back to square one. I hated having him in the house, he sat on the computer in our bedroom looking for work, but came down and distrupted whatever i was trying to do with the kids at the time. For some reason, I felt I had to prove i could manage it all without him and continued to do all the cooking and cleaning (badly!) despite him not being at work.
We had to borrow money from my Dad to pay our mortgage, or we would have lost the house.
Just as we were in utter desperation, DH had his contract taken up again and was made permenant, although on half the wages he had earned before we had DC.
He no longer sees his own two sisters after disagreements with them. He no longer sees my two sisters, refusing to go to family get togethers. He sees this as sticking up for me and how hurt I've been by them, I see it as convenient that he has found an excuse not to see anyone. He will see my Dad and my Aunt, no other family members. He no longer see his friends from where he used to live, just one a couple of times a year. I have made a real effort to make new friends through the DC, i desperately miss socialising and yearn for a night out. DH and I have been out once on our own since we had the DC, to the cinema.
DH has become like a Victor Meldew character, he moans about everything and anything. When he comes in from work it's like a black cloud descends. The only joy he finds in life are the DC, he is a great Dad in that he will play with them and is very creative in this way. He has put on loads of weight and is now classed as obese, I find him repulsive to look at. I have put on about a stone since the DC, but have kept my figure iyswim. I can't remember when we last had sex, could be over a year ago. The thought of him touching me makes me heave. He has turned into a 50's husband - i do all the cleaning, cooking, ironing and looking after DC's, if he makes lunch at the weekend it is with reluctance. I know he works full-time, but the only other thing he does is sort out the broadband or computer if there are any problems. I deal with all the money, bills, car stuff (he doesn't drive), insurances, everything you can think of. We are several thousand pounds in debt because of when he was out of work. We are barely managing on his wage. The house is falling into a complete state around our ears but we can't afford to get someone to do stuff for us and DH just hasn't got the motivation to do any of it,
Weekends are awful. DH is so knackered from work (which he hates) that he doesn't want to do anything, so unless I take the DC out (which I'm always doing throughout the week) they don't get out at the weekend. Occasionally he'll agree to a walk in the forest, but this is invariably cut short because he's lost his patience with the DC. The only way I get time to myself is if I go out of the house, but with no money to spend this is awkward.
I am so fed up with being strong. He says that he doesn't know what he'd do without me, that I've held us all together throughout the problems and he's right, but for once I would like to know that someone is looking out for me, that I can rely on someone, but I can't. Every single fucking time I have needed him to be strong he hasn't, even gets ill when we're about to go on holiday camping so that I end up doing absolutely everything to get ready for it. I cannot remember one time when he's actually stepped up and been a man!
I feel awful for feeling this way about him when he is so obviously suffering from several major life changes so late in life. He says i've always got to be right, that what he thinks doesn't count, but i feel i've lost out on so much (family, socialising) because of the way he is. I've suggested we go to counselling but he has said time and time again that there's no way he's talking to a stranger and we can sort out our problems ourselves, but we never do! We have the same arguements every time! I told him a few years back that we were in trouble and we needed help to sort us out but he wouldn't hear of it, I still thought we could sort it out but now I fear too much has gone unresolved. Im still so fucking angry with him over stuff that happened since our first pregnancy, i just can't let it go!
I feel like life is already over for me, my children are my world and I love every second with them, but i fear for the future.... If DH is like this now, how awful is he going to be in 5 yrs? He's just so negative and horrible about everyone and everything. I don't want to live like a hermit! I want a life!!
But the DC adore him. How can i take that away from them? Plus, we can't even run one household, there's no money for him to move out. I now really resent that everything we have is almost all down to me, how awful of me to think that way.... I have no respect for him, every time I've needed him, he hasn't been up to it.

I'm so sorry, this has all come flooding out, thank you if you've got this far.

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antimatter · 05/07/2015 02:16

Your DH seems to behave like a child. Maybe he never should have had kids?

I yhink the same of my ex as everything for this type of perdomality is too much hassle.

If I were you I would look for a job. Your younger child will soon be in full-time education.
You can do it!

Not havingvto worry about my ex made my life much easier. More predictable.

He won't change and you will grow more resentful towards him. In long term it may affect your mental and physical health.