Should I call him/get in touch?

[JessicasCat]

Been lurking on the limerence thread and have a big crush issue.

I had a casual relationship that was on/off with a guy I really liked. I think he was just using me for sex but we seemed to get on v. well and he told me that he liked me a lot. I decided to back off because he'd done a couple of bad things that had hurt me. I was really emotionally involved and so avoided him and just stopped returning his calls.

This was all about a year + a couple of months ago. He has called me inthat time but I've just avoided him.

I'm really obsessed with him and recently have been thinking about him a ton.

A gf told me she thought the problem was that it ended because he hurt me and not because I got fed up with him, or he got bored with me etc. So that this has made it harder for me to process - because it always felt that it was "unclosed".

I was thinking about this and was wondering whether I should get in touch with him. This would be on the basis of "what the hell. I think about him all the time anyway, so I may as well get the benefit of seeing him/having sex with him".

A major downside is that - because I ignored his calls before - he may very well choose to ignore any contact from me to "teach me a lesson". That would be a real risk and I'd find that upsetting I'm sure.

But fact is if I'm not over him by now, what do I really have to lose? I'm not interested in any one else. I kind of think f8ck it, have a go.

I definitely think that if he had ended it/dumped me I'd have found it much easier to move on. Like on the limerence thread, the open endedness of it, his repeatingly calling me meant it all still felt possible.

[pocketsaviour]

The fact you are even considering this means you are definitely not thinking straight.

This man hurt you, you got emotionally involved when he was just playing around. Why would you put yourself through seeing him again. You will be straight back to square one.

[ImperialBlether]

Oh god, please, please re-read what you've said there and reconsider getting in touch with him. He is horrible!

This is what you've told us:

• I think he was just using me for sex

• He told me that he liked me a lot.

• He'd done a couple of bad things that had hurt me.

• He may very well choose to ignore any contact from me to "teach me a lesson".

Can you see that this man isn't a nice guy? What were the bad things he did to hurt you? Personally I think the further you stay away from him the better.

[JessicasCat]

Imperial -I get that he isn't exactly prince charming. I do get that. But I'm so crushing on him still after all this time, maybe I should just see him.

I mean better be miserable and actually seeing him than miserable and pining right?

I think it may help me get over it properly once and for all.

[JessicasCat]

What were the bad things he did to hurt you?

He initially told me he was just seeing me but later admitted he had also slept with another woman who was an ex -gf of his, married, in process of getting divorced. He didn't even like her really from what he said. He said - she was "like all those middle aged women getting divorced and sniffing around for a likely candidate for a second marriage." They had sex in hotel and she then kept sending him porno stories he said - I'm guessing he was encouraging it!

He also cancelled on me last minute a couple of times. Once I accepted his excuse. Second time, I was like I'm not going to be disrespected like that. It hurt because I really wanted to see him and knew that by his behaviour he was showing me he didn't really care for me.

[ImperialBlether]

Sorry, but you have to look after yourself here. You know this man isn't looking out for you. You know he doesn't love you. If you go back to him now then really you'll get what you know is coming to you. Seriously, why would you do that?

[Lovingfreedom]

No...plenty of other guys out there. Move on.

[JessicasCat]

"why would you do that?"

Well as I said because I think about him all the time and am not interested in dating anyone else. I'm not over him at all and maybe it's just better to go back there and at least get time with him. It's sooooooo dragging on. I'm not over him and think maybe I won't be untile we have a proper closing out however that comes

Lovingfreedom - that's just the point. I can't seem to move on. I'm only interested inhim after all this time. I can't see it getting better so maybe I should just call him.

[FenellaFellorick]

You want to chase after someone who fucks around behind your back, uses women for sex (how disrespectful of him to sleep with a woman and be so revolting about her! ) and is utterly selfish?

Call him if you want. You're a big girl and it's entirely your choice. But don't complain if he does exactly what he's done before. If you're ok signing up to that and it would make you happy, you have that right and nobody can say otherwise.

[LoisPuddingLane]

No. Your reasoning holds no water at all. It's like saying you have a wound that is not yet healed and you keep thinking about how you got the wound. And seeing as it's not healing you might as well go and open it up again.

No. No. NO.

[LadyBlaBlah]

If you've been on the limerance thread, remember the best way people get over these crushes is to get someone else.

It's ludicrous to walk straight back into something you know isn't right. What is the point?

[LoisPuddingLane]

I've had more crushes on unsuitable people than I can count on both hands. Going back to someone you hurt you is not going to give you closure. It just gives them permission to hurt you again. You are mistaking your continuing feelings for him as something real, to be attended to. When really it's just a sort of hangover to be got through.

[Lovingfreedom]

No don't call him. You are acting as though he's the only man in the world...that's never going to work for you. Get out and meet some new people.

[Lovingfreedom]

You've done really well to stay away from him for well over a year; now block him on everything and keep busy.

[FadedRed]

should I call/get in touch? err NO, repeat NO.
Cannot imagine why you think anything other than NO.
Block/delete phone number etc and do similar in your head.
Move on.

[Finola1step]

What do you want us to say? "why not, call him, it will do you good to deal with all that unresolved tension, go for it". Is that what you want? Because you're not listening to the voice of reason, are you?

You asked for advice and that advice was to steer clear. Strangers on the Internet can see you're on a hiding to nothing. It doesn't matter that you are still obsessing over him a year later. It matters why. This is what you need to resolve.

If you want to call him, do it. You don't need permission. But when one asks for advice, its usually wise to listen to the advice given. Even if it is the opposite to what you want to hear.

[Bucketandshpade]

Long shot, but if his initial is S, don't go near him, he's a grade A twat.

[LoisPuddingLane]

I also think you're missing the drama. It's tempting to think that the drama = relationship or something that is meant to be, because it's so compelling. But it's just drama.

[JessicasCat]

Bucketandshpade

Long shot, but if his initial is S, don't go near him, he's a grade A twat.

Holy fck* but yes it is. Please don't tell me you were the ex-gf that got back in touch with him!?! She was at university with him. Am now slightly freaked out.


What do you want us to say? "why not, call him, it will do you good to deal with all that unresolved tension, go for it". Is that what you want?

Finola that's an interesting question. And I think maybe that is what I wanted. I don't know really. I mean I DO know that this is on the face of it a bad idea. But then I'm so unable to really move on. I haven't met another man who has even come close to getting me to go out with him.

Maybe with sh.t like this, you really need to hit rock bottom before you get out of it. It all just feels so open ended - because it was so casual and I'm pretty sure that he is a bit of a commitment phobe so it would never have been "right that's it" from him. Because he'll see/sleep with whoever can boost his ego or make him look good in front of his mates I suspect.

[JessicasCat]

LoisPudding your analogy about the wound is a good one.

But I guess I feel a bit like, well if the wound was caused by base jumping and is bleeding out and you can't stop it, so will die anyway, you may as well die base jumping again because it was fun on the way down. Before you hit the ground.

Not v. well expressed I suspect and sorry if offensive. not intended.

[KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable]

If you are willing to be a casual sex toy and believe men who mistreat you should be rewarded with sex then jump right in.

[Bogeyface]

But fact is if I'm not over him by now, what do I really have to lose?

The next however many years of being used and then trying to get over it all over again when it goes wrong, which it will.

You are not going to get it out of your system by doing this, you are going ingrain it further.

You wouldnt try to get rid of a nicotine addiction by smoking more cigarettes would you? Or advise someone struggling to come off heroin to start taking it again? This is the same, you are planning to feed your addiction with more of the same and all that will happen is your obsession will grow.....

[kua]

The fact that you have avoided him for the past year is a good thing. You know that this is/was the right thing to do.

A question for you. Is it because it's summer and you are remembering this time last year? Summer brings out a care free vibe, sun, endless evenings etc and perhaps you are missing the vibe not the person?

Regardless of the above he is obviously not a good choice. You know that.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

You know why you should not get back in touch with this guy- because it won't bring closure at all. He will dangle you on a piece of string like he did before, have sex, say a few nice things, drop you, and repeat this behaviour. So, getting back in touch won't bring the end to this crush or to this episode, all it will do is waste your time when you could be out there meeting someone better and more consistent.

I have seen friends waste years and years doing this, in one of my good friend's cases, she wasted most of her early thirties with this gorgeous flaky non-committal guy and by the time, seven years later, that she got out and was ready to find someone nice (which she did) she missed the chance to have children.

Don't waste a minute more time or energy on a loser!

[Finola1step]

Oh yes, the wasted years. I don't think I would like to count how many women I have known over the years who have wasted years and years (usually most of their 20s) of their lives on men who are simply messing them about.

Indeed I wasted 4 years from 17-21. My university years.