My husband says he loves me but is not in love with me

cath1969 · 2015-07-04 12:12:56

Two weeks ago my husband told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. I felt immediately there was an OW. Over the next few days of talking to him I gradually discovered that he had been interested in someone who he had got close to and kissed. He says that they didn't have sex as he literally couldn't do that to me. He was racked with guilt and spoke of how he didn't know who he was anymore. How he was not a cheater and that he hated/dispised himself and needed time away to sort his head out. He swears that he has ended it with her - that it never really began and called her 'irreleant'. He went to his dad's. We've been together almost 25 years and married for 19 of those. We have two children age 6 and 11. During our time together we have had our fair share of stresses and strains - business problems that have resulted in financial issues/infertility issues and subsequently going through the adoption process (twice)/he lost his mum/my mum had a devastating stroke. I know that especially the last year or so I have been undemonstrative and not been as intimate as we were once but I foolishly thought that was just part of being so busy with life and at some point things would improve - that our marriage was strong enough to take the rut that we'd found ourselves in and that things would get better. I know that I gave so much of myself to the children and that there was very little left for him. He comes sparodically to see our children and we have made time to talk late into the night before he returns to his dad's. I have been honest about the fact that I played a part in all this. I acknowledged that I had been distant/not affectionate/tired and moody with him and that I had been stuck in rut which I have now been catapaulted out of and never want to go back there again. He has admitted that he should have spoken to me sooner and that he now knows that would have been enough for me to make changes if I thought he was even considering not being with me anymore. I've explained how life would be for us if he chose to return and thought he would jump at the chance to be with the 'old'/new improved me. Instead he has said that even with changes, he doesn't know if he'll ever feel the same way about me again and needs more time to think. I cannot believe that he would even consider being on his own/a part-time father rather than giving it another go with a woman who clearly loves him enough to forgive him/share the blame for what has gone wrong in our marriage.

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The OP has been in touch to let us know that this is now causing her some real life privacy issues. We did feel kindest to remove it.