What would you do? (Long and complicated!)(11 Posts)
Didn't know where else to put this but could really use some additional perspectives while mulling this over...
Before I met DH I went through an extremely rough period of my life. I had am 'exit affair' which gave me the power and self-esteem boost needed to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. I was all over the place, lost my job, was suicidal at one point. It was at this stage that I started sleeping around, having 'fuck buddies' and generally being carefree and wild (still early twenties!). I met a younger woman and entered into a very intense friendship relationship, we were both romantically interested in each other but she held back because of the recent end of my long term relationship and her own issues. The friendship, as I say, was very close and intense. I still saw and slept with other people (men), which she knew about, as we weren't in any kind of romantic relationship, and it was fine. However, on a night out I met a friend of hers who became another 'friend with benefits'. Over time I started developing feelings for him. I was honest with her about this and had a conversation that led to our decision to just stay friends and give up on the romantic interest that wasn't going to happen.
She was very close to both of us and became basically the third person in our burgeoning relationship. It was a rocky start as we hadn't intended anything serious, he was unsure about trusting as he had been badly hurt before, I was still rather emotionally unstable. During all of this she, with no warning, unfriended me on Facebook and cut me out completely. She refused to talk to him about it and he decided to give up on it and let the friendship go.
Long story short, a few years down the line he is my DH and we have a wonderful son. I am more stable than I've ever been in my life, I am happy.
She has sent him (not me) a friend request on facebook out of the blue. DH told her that if she wanted to be friends she had to sort things out with me. She has, a few weeks later, sent a long message which, by way of explanation, details basically that she thought my actions over that period were fucked up (true) and that I was mean and passive aggressive at times (also true in hindsight - when depressed and chaotic I am not very nice to be around and can say nasty things as 'jokes' because I feel bad about myself. I don't realise I have done this until after). However she wants to let the past stay in the past and restart a friendship with a clean slate.
I would like that (I have missed her) but am worried for multiple reasons. At the time I had no idea what I had done wrong, asked for an explanation and apologised for whatever I'd done, and cried for days. Now with the benefit of hindsight I would like to properly apologise l I know I am not a nice person at times - but have no idea where to begin or how to do it in a way that doesn't sound like I'm trying to excuse my behaviour over that period of time. (She is not perfect, I might add, and once tried to kiss DH in a club whilst very drunk, but I don't want to bring things like that up with her.)
Secondly, it was after she cut me off that things started getting more stable for me and now DH, and I have no idea how to restart a friendship but now keeping her at arms length to protect myself from the type of drama I no longer want in my life.
Basically I want to make up and let it go but I have no idea how to do that or if I even should. I feel like if I say I don't want to be friends again I'm causing additional drama, which I don't want. I have anxiety issues and am trying very hard to process this calmly and take my time over it, which is why I'm asking for opinions here. DH is very laid back and doesn't mind either way what happens, he just wants me.to be happy.
So, wise MNers... What the hell do I do??
I'm going out today but will check back later in the hope of some wise words I feel like I should probably leave it but I don't want to. I miss her. But ahrg. I'll stop rambling now...
Maybe it's a friendship best left in the past. She is a friend from a chaotic part in your life, she stopped contact abruptly and now blames you for that. She tried to kiss your dh and you don't want to bring that up. She contacted him not you. Then said bad things to him about you. He doesn't care if you are in contact. Leave things be, that is what your gut feeling says.
You say you feel settled and happy with your life, so keep this friend firmly in the past. Say you are pleased she is well and hope her future is everything she wishes. Then de friend/block and move on.
I have friends from my earlier life that I think of often, but I am a different person now and they are in my past.
When you were friends before, was she a stabilising influence on you? Was she caring towards you, or did she share some of the (self)destructive behaviours that you had?
I agree with 43percent, some things are best left where they ended. It's sad to lose a friend at the time, but it sounds like this woman represents a chaotic period of your life. You have grown into a much happier, settled person since the friendship fizzled out, having met this woman at a time when you weren't feeling the way you do now, happy and settled. You've changed, and what you wanted then is a world apart from who you are now. She drunkenly tried to kiss your DH, and now she's randomly got in contact with him, and only contacted you because your DH said he couldn't be friends with her unless she 'sorted things out with you'? Personally I'd be wondering if she had an agenda
but then I'm paranoid
I have no idea how to restart a friendship but now keeping her at arms length to protect myself from the type of drama I no longer want in my life.
You say yourself that you don't want it in your life I think it is best to close the door on this one.
I agree with what 43percent says.
I also wonder if she's after your DH.
Wish her well and move on.
The past is another county etc etc
I agree with the previous posters. I'd wonder if she's after your DH too.
You seem apprehensive about inviting her back into your lives and I think that says a lot. If it were me I'd apologise but let it be known that I wouldn't be revisiting the past. Does your DH want to reconnect with her?
If you were a nightmare then she had every right to cut you off.
She may not have responded to your requests to sort things because she thought it pointless ( well you said you were bad)
At least she is being honest now and if she told you at the time could you honestly say you could have changed just to save that particular friendship?
I think that's a bit harsh Quite. I agree with 43 . This friendship is best left in the past. If she was genuinely wanting a clean start friendship, with no other agenda, she would have contacted you, not DH. I think you could just respond saying that it was a difficult time in your life, you apologise for your bad behaviour, and you wish her all the best but have moved on in your life. Give it some closure, as it were. I don't properly trust her motives, as others have said. Some friendships just run their course, for various reasons. Nowt wrong with that.
I agree it should be left in the past. The fact she has history with you, tried kissing your DH, tried going over the past with him and putting it all on you to me means she's not forgiven at all.
Thanks everyone, I think you're right and that's what I'll do. Glad so many of you are questioning her motives re DH as I have before but thought maybe it was just me! Really appreciate all the input
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