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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Back at my Mum's...........again

31 replies

RokensWife · 04/07/2015 10:19

Hey all,
I was here over the Mother's Day weekend and posted about it. I'm back again. He flipped out last Sunday over something tiny, telling me to 'f*ck off back to that Rat Hole I found you in' etc. Even he admits that he went too far this time. He's never been physically abusive, has outbursts over small things and is a very negative and critical person.
Have never been away for so long. He knows I don't know if I'm going back or not this time. He has suggested counseling (looking into it, very pricey but may get a reduced rate due to having a disabled child) and he has made a doctor's appointment to see the GP about his anger and to see if it's his medication. But I don't know if I've had enough this time. Part of me is devastated that this could be it for our marriage and our family, and another part of me is just yearning for something else out of life and thinking that I've made it this far, I should just end it. I don't know if I should go back and give him the opportunity to get his anger problem looked at.

OP posts:

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magoria · 04/07/2015 10:55

Stay away and give him the opportunity to get his anger problem looked at.

If he does you can go back in 6 months/a year if it works.

happyh0tel · 04/07/2015 11:01

Stay away

Start a new happy life without him

You deserve better

You have no reason to go back

RokensWife · 04/07/2015 11:07

We had a lovely family holiday for a week, came home and he went mad at me on the Sunday. I just worry that I'm walking out on something that can be saved if we see the GP and he has counseling (his dr appointment isn't for another 3 weeks).

OP posts:

butterflygirl15 · 04/07/2015 11:07

you must never have counselling with an abusive man. Why on earth should you go back? He has treated you disgracefully.

CatsandCrumble · 04/07/2015 11:13

has outbursts over small things and is a very negative and critical person.

This is his normal personality?

RokensWife · 04/07/2015 11:14

He needs counseling. We are both under so much stress and he has past issues that need dealing with. I don't know if I should leave him before he has tried it to see if it helps.

OP posts:

RokensWife · 04/07/2015 11:16

The outbursts have got worse over the years and he is very aware of this. We both think it could be down to the medication he is on plus the stress we are under. Our son has just been diagnosed with autism and we are so skint. He lost his Mum at a young age and I don't think he has dealt with it properly. He is generally a negative person, yes. He thinks everybody is out to screw him over (no friends and doesn't get on with most of his family and with none of mine).

OP posts:

Finola1step · 04/07/2015 11:19

I know it can be difficult to get a GP appointment swiftly. The usual pattern IME, is you call up, ask for an appointment, the receptionist asks if it is urgent, you say no, appointment given for two or three weeks time.

So when he made the call, do you think its possible your dh said it wasn't urgent? If so, what does that tell you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2015 11:22

You and he need to be apart and stay apart. He is just now dragging you down with him.

Does he get as angry with other people or does he take it all out on solely you instead?.

His past issues are his alone to deal with, he has to do that without any input from you. You are not responsible for him ultimately.

It takes two to work at a marriage and he does not want to; you cannot carry a failing marriage on your own.

Do not get caught up in the sunken costs fallacy either (all this rescuing and or saving nonsense); you forget here that the damage has already been done. You can never act as either a rescuer and or saviour in any relationship.

RokensWife · 04/07/2015 11:22

We can have an ón the day' appintment at our surgery but you don't get to choose who you see. He's being fussy about who he sees.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2015 11:27

He is just putting more and more obstacles in his path; he does not want to be helped and you're the last person who can help him.

Walk away from him and rebuild your life without him in it.

Eminado · 04/07/2015 11:28

You need sustained evidence of change before you should even think of returning.

Stay where you are.

HE has to sort this out. Stop making excuses for him. Concentrate on yourself and your son.

Eminado · 04/07/2015 11:32

Can i ask you OP:

If someone said to you "see the GP or you are going to lose your family forever" would you quibble over which GP? Or would you be there as the doors opened begging for a same day appointment?

RokensWife · 04/07/2015 11:33

Eminado that's an interesting way of putting it

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Eminado · 04/07/2015 11:36

Sorry i dont know your back story but to me it is simple as that.

If his abusive rages are due to meds or similar, i cannot fathom why he would not try to sort this out.

If its not medical, and he just chooses to treat you badly then well...

RokensWife · 04/07/2015 11:44

Back story is that since we had our son nearly four years ago, he has become increasingly angry. He suffers from anxiety. He fell out with a lot of his family, he has fallen out with the majority of mine. It's always over something small. He has kicked a hole in a cupboard door and pulled the handbrake up on our car when I was driving. I've stuck with him because I really do believe it's his meds (blood pressure) and the stress of us being on one income and having a child with special needs. I'm probably not the easiest person to live with and I probably am very dismissive about a lot of his ideas. He works so hard and he and our son adore each other.

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DurhamDurham · 04/07/2015 11:48

It's so sad that he already has you believing that you are the one to blame. It's his temper, his moods, he'd always find something to be angry about, so etching to kick off about.
I'd stay where you are until he does something long term to sort himself out. It's an awful way to live and both you and your son deserve so much more.

Eminado · 04/07/2015 11:51

Working hard and adoring your son are well and good (and bare minimum standards for parenting if you think about it) but punching walls and pulling handbrakes is dangerous and a terrible example for your son.

Plus the anger is escalating? Next time the wall will be you or your son?

Blood pressure med is not some rare hard to access treatment. Wtf? Why would he not get it changed if it is affecting his life so much?

I think you are trying to wish this away. Understandably.
But you must be strong and clearly communicate that you will not put up with this anymore.
For yourself and especially for your son who cant choose his living environment.

RokensWife · 04/07/2015 11:53

His heart is in the right place. He gets cross with me for disagreeing with him. He will say something like 'our son needs one of those special helmets to stop him from banging his head'.....our son does not head bang or anything like that. So I explained that he doesn't need one because he doesn't bump his head any more than any other child. He turned around and said 'well when he bumps his head and gives himseld brain damage, it'll be you who wipes the dribble off of his chin because you said no to a helmet'

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DurhamDurham · 04/07/2015 11:57

I'm sorry but that's a shocking thing to say about his child and what will happen if he gets brain damaged. His heart does not appear to be in the right place at all. You are not to blame.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2015 11:59

"He suffers from anxiety. He fell out with a lot of his family, he has fallen out with the majority of mine. It's always over something small. He has kicked a hole in a cupboard door and pulled the handbrake up on our car when I was driving. I've stuck with him because I really do believe it's his meds (blood pressure) and the stress of us being on one income and having a child with special needs".

There are many red flags re him here. Stop making excuses for him OP.

But you are in this situation as well and you do not fall out with family, have no friends (there's always reasons why he has no friends) or punch a hole in a door let alone pull the handbrake up when you were driving (a highly dangerous not just to say irresponsible behaviour on his part).

He has done a right number on you hasn't he; he blames you for all this and you believe him. He is a damaged individual but you cannot help him and he does not want to help his own self. He would rather lash out instead because that is easier for him to do.

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/07/2015 12:02

I have never heard of anyone on bp meds say it makes them angry. Most of the elderly people I see at work are on them and they are not angry.

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Skiptonlass · 04/07/2015 12:15

Blood pressure meds do NOT cause or exacerbate anger. The main side effects are things like dizziness, erection issues, weight changes etc. they don't negatively affect mood. So he's using that as an excuse. If anything, they relax you (especially beta blockers)

It always worries me when people try to excuse anger or violence on the basis of stress or life issues. we have little control over what life throws at us, but we do have control over our reactions. A man who reacts violently is just that - a violent man. If you stress and push a non violent man, they may get upset/down/sick with stress but they don't get violent.

Pulling the handbrake in motion could have killed you and caused a serious accident, endangering others. Personally, if someone did that to me I'd be out the door for good. Just that one incident would be bag packing time.

As atilla says, he's playing the "I'm a poor damaged thing, it's all your fault" card. That's pathetic. It's also dangerous. A man who has violent outbursts over trivial things is dangerous. A man who does that and also has no remorse and blames it on others is doubly so.

tribpot · 04/07/2015 12:15

Why do you need to return before he has learnt to manage his anger? (Assuming that is actually the problem and he's not just an abuser). It would seem to make more sense to wait until there is real evidence of his remorse - through his actions, not words.

If he thinks counselling would help, I suggest it's his job to research it and figure out a way to pay for it. However, I echo butterfly's caution about having joint counselling with an abusive person. Joint counselling is for when two people are committed to working out a problem which originates with both of them. In your description he flipped out last Sunday over something tiny. The problem is with him.

RokensWife · 04/07/2015 12:18

He flipped because I worked at a big local event and got free entry the next day (it was completely sold out) so I got up early and thought I'd pop up there for a couple of hours by myself. Son at my mum's and he was still in bed. It's something I'm super interestes in. If he was that fussed he could have got a ticket months ago.

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