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How do you leave, when you've nowhere to go?

(11 Posts)
Freezoo Sat 04-Jul-15 08:49:39

I'm not sure how much longer I can stay in my marriage. I just feel so unhappy, unloved, unappreciated blah blah.
My husband and I have become like bickering siblings, we actively dislike each other. Nothing the other does or says is ever right. I've lived like this for years and I don't want to go another 15 years and regret having wasted all that time not being happy.
The trouble is we have a reasonably large family by today's standards and I have no where to go. If I left, I'd have to leave my children behind with no realistic prospect of ever getting them back. The youngest would come with me as she has cerebral palsy, but the only place I could go would be my father's house who is a heavy smoker. My daughter has chronic lung disease due to her prematurity and was on home oxygen til she was a year old do you can understand why this environment wouldn't be good for her.
I also have no income, no bank account etc. I'd have no vehicle to to get to hospital and therapy appointments. I feel trapped here.
I raise it with my husband and sometimes things improve for a few days but ultimately we just aren't happy together.
Already this morning he's got out of bed in a strop because I swore, and he doesn't like it. He's blamed me for talking to him when I asked him to please not talk to me with food sloshing around his mouth, and we've argued AGAIN over the children being allowed iPads/iPhones/screens at the table before they've eaten, washed and dressed. Every day is the fucking same and he just pleads ignorance and acts dumb. 'Oh, I thought that rule was just on school days' NO!
How can I get out of this?
We have zero communication. We do nothing together. This morning he has taken our eldest to a cheerleading thing 30 minutes away. I thought it'd be nice to drop her off then go on to a large park local to there with our younger ones. He just moans about how stressful it is getting everyone dressed and in the car and says that actually he had planned to drop our DD off and go and get some tea bags. Fucking tea bags!!
We do everything apart. He has no desire ever to do anything alone with me. Whatever I suggest he doesn't fancy. If I suggest going to the cinema by myself, that's wrong too.
I'm 36 and sat here crying over this mess. Years and years this has been going on and I hate it.

wafflyversatile Sat 04-Jul-15 09:03:39

Tell him you want to split up and ask him to leave?

Talk to your local council about housing for you and the children?

butterflygirl15 Sat 04-Jul-15 09:04:36

why are you presuming you need to leave? Surely it should be him. No bank account, no transport and he swears at you. Sounds like you need Women's Aid.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 04-Jul-15 09:06:07

You state you have no bank account; does he therefore control all your access to money as well?.

This is no life for you or your children to be witnessing; they are learning from the two of you about relationships as well and this is abusive on many levels.

What is the situation on the property; is it rented, mortgaged etc?.

Womens Aid can and will help you here; their number is 0808 2000 247.
If anyone should be removed here it is he.

Freezoo Sat 04-Jul-15 09:08:39

I can't pay the mortgage. He is the sole wage earner due to our youngest's disabilities.
Even if I could, he has no where to go either. His business is here, he works from home.
I've told him many, many, many times how unhappy I am and I'm only here because I have nowhere else to go. It does improve temporarily, but soon goes back to normal.
Like today. I've told him this morning that I'm too unhappy to carry on like this and he's just texted suggesting we go somewhere with the children today. He only ever does this to patch up the wound.

Freezoo Sat 04-Jul-15 09:11:39

He isn't financially abusive. The credit card is in joint names and I can spend freely, and the debit card is his name only, but again I can use it freely.
That's part of his argument really. Why would I want to leave when I have a big house and can have what I want? I can't buy respect or happiness though. I'd rather be living in a box with my best friend, than here with someone who doesn't like me.

CluckingBelle Sat 04-Jul-15 09:13:46

Contact women's aid. They may be able to support you with an application for council housing, while you are still living in his home.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 04-Jul-15 09:19:03

If he lets you use his debit card freely (how nice of him hmm) then how is it that you are not named on any bank account.

House is but bricks and mortar and also akin to a warzone. Its therefore no sanctuary for you and your children.

As long as his needs are met then all is well with him, he does not care about you or anyone else.

The agreement here is that this is all on his terms; all the power and control are his. Small wonder therefore you want out and Womens Aid can and will help you here. You need to speak to them.

Howsithanging Sat 04-Jul-15 09:19:22

You don't leave, he does. Especially as you are already the SAHP and have a child with Sn.

If he won't leave, you can separate and start divorce proceedings, both stay in the house until the finances are sorted.

It's not ideal but at least you will be making progress towards a happier future. Otherwise what is your alternative?

Jackw Sat 04-Jul-15 09:35:55

You need to do some research about what your financial and housing situation is likely to be if you divorce. As primary carer, you could expect to get more than half of the equity in the house plus maintenance for the children and you may get some benefits as well. You may not be able to stay in your current house as your H has rights to accommodation as well but you may end up in a smaller house and him in a flat or small house.

Internet research or a book about divorce is a good place to start. If you have a local CAB, they can give you info as well. When you are ready, you will need to talk to a solicitor. Once you are better informed you will be able to make your decision from a position of strength. Oh and I think you should open your own bank account. All grown ups should have one. You can do that on the internet too.

willthiseverbloodystop Sat 04-Jul-15 09:42:05

I think you need to start divorce proceedings. Then you are on the path to separation, and you may end up staying in the house, or if not, it will be sold and you will split the proceedings, but as carer you would most likely get a higher %. I would also talk to the council about getting on the waiting list, don't forget to mention your child's disability as this may help you with points. You can divorce him on unreasonable behaviour and it can be anything really, it doesn't need to be extreme. You;ll be surprised how much more positive you'll start feeling once you take the first step. I was here for years to and actually it wasn;t as hard to end it as I thought it was going to be - once my ex realised I was for real he just left .

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