Please bear with me. My mind is all over the place at the moment.
When I was 11 years old I was sexually abused by my cousin (early 20's, fathers side). It has taken over a decade to cone to terms with the fact that it was rape. I was groomed and therefore believed in a sick weird way that it was my fault and was consenting.
I no longer have any contact with any of my father's family. including my father himself. He has never been a stable figure in my life. It was one of the main things my cousin was able to groom me with. "your dad doesn't love you. but I do. I'm the only person on this side of the family that does."
Over the past 12 years I have had counselling, therapy and have seen a psychiatrist. I thought I had come to terms with it all but I haven't. The other day I ran into him (cousin) whilst out with my husband. We didn't speak but after just seeing his face I couldn't help but burst into tears and it brought all the emotions back to the surface. I've been deteriorating into a depression ever since.
I feel so fucking guilty. my cousin has daughters himself. that are now around the age I was when he abused me. I've kept quiet for so long and so many other girls may have been abused all because I am too afraid.
at the time of the abuse it stopped because I wrote "something suspicious" in my diary, according to my mother. which lead to questioning. I was petrified and admitted he had tried to kiss me and nothing more. I thought I'd get into trouble. contact with cousin was stopped and nothing more was ever said.
About 18 months ago I got a confession from my cousin. He had been contacting me on Facebook (which I had always ignored). I snapped and asked him what the hell he was playing at contacting me after repeatedly having sex with me as a child. He reply was simply "stupidity".
This morning I couldn't take it anymore. I honestly felt like I was going to throw myself out of the nearest window if I didn't do something. I rang 101 and enquired what would happen if I decided to report it. The lady I spoke to was very nice but it has left me even more terrified than before. I can't help but think that like in a lot of rape cases I won't be believed/ I deserved it/ it's my own fault. I'm scared of telling my family. My husband knows but he isn't very emotive and it's hard to talk about this kind of thing with him.
I'm scared what people will think of me. I'm scared how it will affect my mental health/ marriage/ family.
I'm scared of what people will say about me. I'm just fucking scared.
I'm sorry if I am rambling or not making sense. I can't think straight.
I know it sounds stupid but I don't want to go through the emotional trauma all over again for nothing to happen. A recent eastenders rape storyline put me off reporting it even more for fear of not being believed ( I know that makes me sound pathetic. I feel pathetic).
One day I think "ill report it. I have a confession. It's not my word against his anymore".
Other days I think "he was deny, the evidence I have won't be accepted/ not enough".
I honestly can't get this out of my mind and I'm going crazy. will it be worth it? or will I be worse off? will I be exactly the same as I am now except everyone will think I'm a liar/ slut.
Please help me clear my head and make a decision once and for all. I'm desperate.
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*trigger warning* please help me to decide if I should report my historical rape.
32 replies
KnackardMum14 · 03/07/2015 20:14
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