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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

DH trip away - feeling annoyed

38 replies

jollyjester · 03/07/2015 12:59

Hi I'm not sure why I'm posting, just want to vent a bit as no one in RL to talk to.

DH decided last year to go on a 2 week trip this summer with a group he had slight involvement with in the past. I wasn't asked if I minded his going to a dangerous country / using 2 weeks of his annual leave / paying a silly amount of money and we resolved our arguments about this. He's going not much I can do.

Anyway there is another woman going who wasn't originally meant to but someone dropped out so she is on his trip.

I'm jealous of her. She's my age but slim / pretty / no stretch marks from having DC & just nice. Shes passive aggressive nice towards me and I hate the thought of her spending this trip with DH doing things that yes I would like to have done but someone has to stay at home with DD.

To be honest if DH and I were to meet now we probably wouldn't be married as we are very different to when we met 15 years ago but we still have a happy marriage with just the usual fallouts!

I did tell DH my concerns and his response was that I should try to be friends with this woman to see that she is nice and not a threat.

Im not really sure what I want, I just want to know how I'm going to get through the trip (he won't be able to be contacted) and the aftermath of stories / photos etc that I'll have to listen to on repeat.

OP posts:

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Newtobecomingamum · 03/07/2015 13:01

Why can't you go? Do you have young children to look after?

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jollyjester · 03/07/2015 13:05

We have a DD who is nearly 4. The country he is going to isn't known for being the most stable and I felt as a parent it would be irresponsible to leave DD. DH is of the school of thought that 'it'll all be ok'

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Newtobecomingamum · 03/07/2015 13:13

Two weeks is too long! My husband has stretched to three days for a stag do but wouldn't go any longer not would I let him!

Like you have said he is using 2 weeks AL (this should be used for family time - a week at most for friends holiday) and the cost of the holiday and spending money (are you all going on a family hol this year? Can you afford for him to spend all this money on his holiday?).

I'm sorry OP he sounds very selfish! Also your daughter is young.. Where does she think her daddy is going for two weeks (on a bloody jolly with his mates whilst you have to deal with everything on your own at your end).

I'm relation to the woman, is she the only female going? How many in the group are going and do you know them? It all sounds a bit odd to me (not meaning that he's up to anything) just strange for a mixed group of friends who I guess will have partners and children too, to all go away for two weeks? Are the other wife's etc letting their hubby's seriously go for two weeks?

Sorry not much advice.., just I wouldn't of put up with that. Piss take to me. Sorry, don't meant that harsh at you.. I feel peed with your hubby!

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Rebecca2014 · 03/07/2015 13:21

So this man spend a lot of money and booked a 2 week holiday without consulting you first? I say you got bigger issues than this woman going on the trip with him. He obviously has little respect for you.

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ALaughAMinute · 03/07/2015 13:23

I'm not surprised you're annoyed! When do you get to go away on a jolly?

Sorry to say but your H sounds a selfish bastard!

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Newtobecomingamum · 03/07/2015 13:27

Also, sorry for all the questions but why are a group of people (especially those with children) going to a country that is unstable for a two week holiday?? OP do you not think it's a bit strange?

Your hubby has responsibilities and a 4 year old daughter. Why is he going to an unstable country? x

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MrsJackAubrey · 03/07/2015 13:49

jeesh, he's taking the piss here! So he's off somewhere too instable to take a child to... but that's okay cos nothing will happen to him? How does he know that?

He sounds horrible!

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TokenGinger · 03/07/2015 14:01

I'd be so annoyed! I've only been dating my partner for 7 months, but even now I'd be annoyed if he went on an ultra long holiday! I've just been away for 12 days, booked prior to us meeting and, although the holiday was nice, I missed him like absolute crazy and wished he was the one I was sharing those experiences with. Just as your husband should be enjoying those experiences with you and DD.

I could understand a long weekend or even a week. My partner is going for a boy's holiday in August for a week, and I'll miss him but I'm happy for him to do that as it means he still has annual leave for us to have a week or two away through the holiday year.

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jollyjester · 03/07/2015 14:02

The group is made up of mostly older people so mostly retired with grown up children, I don't want to say too much but it is aid work which makes me feel bad for telling him I don't want him to go.

We can afford it and we have been away on a couple of long weekend trips and are saving for longhaul next year so its not the money or missing out on family holiday concerns me.

I have got over the fact that it was booked without discussion I do think he was sorry about it when I brought it up.

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jollyjester · 03/07/2015 14:14

With regards to the woman they are the only two in their age bracket with the rest of the group being about 20 years older.

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Fearless91 · 03/07/2015 14:20

Hmm I wonder what it would've been like if the tables were turned and you said you were going away for 2 weeks and he had to look after everything on his own.

When he gets back do it! If he's allowed to do this then so are you.

As for the woman, I don't have much advice I'm afraid. But your H is being an arse and taking the piss.

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Jackw · 03/07/2015 14:21

I completely sympathise - the whole thing must be extremely difficult for you. And he doesn't seem to have acknowledged that properly, with that ignorant and thoughtless remark about trying to be friends. Completely missed the point, there.

I'm not sure it's worth discussing with him any more now. But don't pretend you are OK because you aren't.

So, how are you going to get through the two weeks? I think you need to plan yourself lots of distractions. Keep as busy as you can with lots of fun things. Can you go away with your daughter even if just somewhere in the UK? Visit friends and family? Or use the time to plan something that you really want to do for yourself once he gets back because he owes you one massive favour now.

Plus when he gets back, you don't have to listen to any stories or look at any photos if you don't want to. He does need to wake up to how unreasonable this whole thing is and if you just pretend you are OK afterwards, he might be tempted to do it again.

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ApocalypseThen · 03/07/2015 14:39

I assume he's sorted out adequate childcare and didn't just assume that you are available for the whole duration of his trip?

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googoodolly · 03/07/2015 15:07

Yes, how would he react if you booked a two week holiday and left him to juggle work/childcare/etc?

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Janette123 · 03/07/2015 15:17

jollyjester,
Can you say which country this is or on which continent?
After the incident in Tunisia I would also be very concerned about anyone I knew going to one of these unstable countries. Has the Home Office put any warnings out about this particular country?
Is there a particular reason he wants to go? Such as architecture, climbing, etc?
He sounds very fixated on this but I would still tell him how worried you are about the country ( I wouldn't mention this other female again) and see if he will change his mind.
I'm sorry, I can't suggest anything else.

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BathtimeFunkster · 03/07/2015 16:08

This whole thing is a total pisstake and it isn't remotely normal to have rows about one spouse spending money and huge amounts of holiday time without discussion because in most marriages nobody would pull a stunt like that.

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Joysmum · 03/07/2015 16:15

So when do you get the equililent amount of time and money he's taking?

Sounds to me your relationship is very unequal.

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jollyjester · 03/07/2015 16:23

Its an African country which is what worries me. Foreign office are advising travel is ok to this country but not neighbouring ones.

He was at a meeting about it last night and is really excited but I just can't even be arsed asking.

I've just been looking at flights ti take DD to stay with a relative while he's gone which would break up the trip and hopefully stop me worrying so much.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2015 16:50

Its awful that he has acted like this without actually consulting you about such a visit and with a group who he has had slight involvement with in the past.

You say this is aid work. Has this been organised by a charity who works in that country?. What experience in this type of work has he got or is this really him trying to act like The Big Man.

He really seems to have no respect for you whatsoever.

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BathtimeFunkster · 03/07/2015 16:54

He's excited?

Yeah, heading to Africa to do "aid work" is just such a thrilling way to spend your holidays.

Is there anything more nauseating than this kind of poverty tourism?

If he was really interested in making the world a better place he could have donated the money he spent to an organisation who would have spent it on something useful.

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morethanpotatoprints · 03/07/2015 16:56

There is no way any decent man would do this, is there?
You are doing without a holiday this year because of this and he is taking 2 weeks leave that should have been family time.
I'm sorry OP but I'm mad for you, he is an arse.
I think he'd be having his marching orders especially as you say you wouldn't marry him if you met now.

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Joysmum · 03/07/2015 16:58

Don't agree Bathtime.

My voluntary work has shown me that organizations are more desperate for people's time than for money.

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Sickoffrozen · 03/07/2015 17:29

I'm on the fence a bit with this one as I like to be able to do things just for me and would always want a partner to follow their dreams and ambitions too. Personally, I would be very proud of anyone I knew doing this sort of thing. Helping others is not a holiday really is it. If he was going to Ibiza with his mates for a fortnight It may be different but maybe it is something that he has felt a longing to do and whilst it is a long time, if it was a one off then I would support this as long as you can afford it.

On the flip side, I am not a huge fan of decision making like this without consultation and agreement. Having said that if your answer would always have been no whatever the argument then perhaps if the longing was great that's why he went ahead.

I am also not a fan of leaving a 4 yr old for a two week period. One because it's very hard work for you and two because she will miss him more than perhaps a teenager would. Could he have perhaps waited 4/5 years and then done it or was it a once in a lifetime thing?

Overall I would let it go and support it but with the caveat that he appreciates what you are doing whilst he is away and gives you some time to do what you want to do in the future.

The woman issue is not something to worry about in my opinion. It has just added to the mix of resentment towards it.

I get the feeling from your post though that you are not entirely happy in the relationship?

I wouldn't be happy if this was a yearly thing though.

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kittybiscuits · 03/07/2015 18:20

I think it's laughable for him to view himself as a caring, charitable person whilst treating you with such contempt.

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PeoniesForAll · 03/07/2015 18:29

I am probably going to be the minority opinion here but I agree with Sickoffrozen.

I think your DH's intentions to want to go and do aid work in a developing country are admirable. Whether it is just another example of 'poverty tourism' and alternative means could have been more helpful is another discussion altogether. However I think it should be commended that he wishes to do aid work. It's not like it's a holiday and he'll be lounging in the sun having his fun for the entire trip. This country needs to do more regarding its apathy towards the poor anyway.

You also said that money is not the issue and you have already been away on holidays together and have another big holiday coming up together. So it's not like his forsaking all of his time off with you and your DD.

I personally do not think 2 weeks is all that long in the grand scheme of things. I have had to be away from my DP for months at a time whilst he was abroad, albeit for work reasons. Yes, you will miss him but two weeks is nothing and will fly by. I am surprised people are saying they would not let their partners go away for more than a few days? I mean they are allowed to relax once in a while whilst acknowledging that you are also, in turn, entitled to take several days off too for a holiday if you so wished.

What I do agree with you on OP, and would also be annoyed at, is the lack of consultation before booking the trip. He seems to have not taken into account that looking after a child for two weeks on your own is a lot to ask for and for this he is definitely in the wrong. And even though you say the trip is affordable it is still a lot of money to just go and spend without discussion. The fact you also expressed your concerns and still is going ahead with it anyway, or not even helping to put measures in place for childcare during that time, is a definite no no and he needs to know that this is not acceptable. He seems to not have taken your feelings into account and on this note I would find this highly disrespectful.

Moving forward, I think you should take this as a sign that you are completely entitled to have your fun too. Plan a break away for yourself and your friends, or even have some alone 'me-time', and enjoy yourself while he stays home to look after the DD. He really has no right to object to this!

The other woman coming along is a non-issue IMO. She wasn't meant to come along in the first place so it's not like your DH was looking forward to it or anything.