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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

ive been up all night.

(123 Posts)
vicarinatutu Fri 03-Jul-15 05:29:47

ive just let the love of my life walk away. ive deleted the numbers and the messenger services. it was reciprocal. he wasnt going to commit and is in a relationship already.
i left mine when i realised i had feelings for him. i walked away from a relationship of 27 years. like a complete idiot

this is hard. my eyes are like piss holes in the snow. i wouldnt let him end it by text and said he had to call or visit, then deleted everything on the phone.
but now i know whats about to happen.

i feel very alone and have during the entire non relationship if im honest - he was never mine to miss.

so why do i miss him already?

my life is in tatters. im lonely. im alone. i have been for 6 months. i thought things would change but he is by his own admission a coward and nothing ever changed despite promises.
i realise now nothing ever will.
i have to walk away and move on.
i left my home. my dh. my grown up children. my pets.
for nothing. dh has moved on and has a gf. a real relationship while i was pissing about with cloak and dagger bloke who was never gonna commit. its fine - bed made....lying in it and all that.
but right now - id gladly lay down and die. i destroyed my lifes work of 27 years in 6 weeks. 6 months later im in the same boat. i have nothing but debt debt and more debt. i have no prospect of a relationship - ive had plenty of predatory men try it.....ive had at least 2 encounters that were sheer desperation and that i hated myself for.
my self respect is below sea level and my judgement is questionable.
im fucked.
im about to get dumped by someone who never deserved me in the first place....and who i just dont want to get dumped by. but its going to happen or im going to do it for them.
ive waited long enough.
im not gong to meet anyone else am i. im going to grow old and die alone and i cant even have a cat cos i rent now.

pushmepullyou Fri 03-Jul-15 05:40:23

Oh vicar I'm so so sorry. What a shit he is. Well done for having the strength to allow it to end. You will feel better again even though it doesn't feel like it now flowers

pushmepullyou Fri 03-Jul-15 05:41:03

Oh and too fucking right he never deserved you in the first place!

vicarinatutu Fri 03-Jul-15 05:44:13

yep he is a shit. a cowardly cowardly shit who just wouldnt jump one way or the other.
i need to neck a sleeping pill and go to bed i think. before my head explodes.

im regretting this already but i have to stay strong. i was living a half life. a few snatched hours. nothing. ive turned the phone off and i should go to bed.

myshinynewusername Fri 03-Jul-15 05:46:38

I'm so sorry to hear this vicar, I'm crap with advice on things like this, but wiser posters will be along soon.

Just wanted to say that things always seem particularly impossible when you are at rock bottom, but things can always get better, even if its not in the way you think.

As I say, others will be able to give better advice on how to get through all of this.

Thinking of you.

myshinynewusername Fri 03-Jul-15 05:48:52

Yes, go to bed vicar. Sleep deprivation will only make your state of mind much worse.

pushmepullyou Fri 03-Jul-15 05:52:10

That's probably a good idea. I hope you manage to get some sleep. It's horrible having to get over someone you love, but every minute is closer to the time you'll feel better. Shit now though - I wish I could help.

vicarinatutu Fri 03-Jul-15 05:55:48

ive had a bottle of wine v bad idea. but i will go to bed now. i working later.

Fugghetaboutit Fri 03-Jul-15 06:02:32

They never leave their wives. How are your children doing after all this?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Fri 03-Jul-15 06:03:01

Text him, tell him things aren't working for you with the relationship and you want to end it. Tell him not to bother coming over or contacting you again.

Email or call your work now and say you're ill and won't be in today.

Turn your phone off, take a sleeping pill and go to bed.

If you still feel rotten in Monday, make an appointment with the GP

Vivacia Fri 03-Jul-15 06:47:12

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low flowers can you follow Gobbol's advice?

Betsie81 Fri 03-Jul-15 06:53:03

Hi. I want to send op a pm. How do I do it?
Thx

JohnFarleysRuskin Fri 03-Jul-15 06:59:14

Vicar, you did the right thing leaving a relationship that you had been unfulfilled in for a long time.

One day, you'll be glad this guy helped you out of that...and you'll be glad you didn't end up with him. There are better ones out there for you. thanks

ishouldcocoa Fri 03-Jul-15 07:01:18

Oh Vicar... You posted a while back saying how much better you felt having moved out and moved on, so I'm so sorry to read what you've posted.

I hope you've had some sleep by the time you read this, and make it into work later today. It's probably better to have something to focus on, rather than staying at home, although everyone's different.

You know? You're at Rock bottom, and the only way is up from here. Life WILL get better.

kittybiscuits Fri 03-Jul-15 07:04:23

What JFR said. Been wondering where you were Vicar. So sorry it's such a bleak time. I don't think you did these things for nothing, but just right now you didn't get the outcome you hoped for.

LumpySpacedPrincess Fri 03-Jul-15 07:04:58

Pull a sickie, wrap yourself up in a duvet and watch a load of shit on Netflix, repeat. flowers

Vivacia Fri 03-Jul-15 07:58:52

It's still a good thing that you left your unhappy marriage, and you still have your children and you can get a new, happier home with pets in the future.

Ashbeeee Fri 03-Jul-15 08:12:57

Hugs vicar.

There's no such thing as a wrong decision, you just need time to get perspective and work your way through the logistics of getting back on your feet again. You would not have left your DH if all was rosy, right now you are looking back nostalgically at something that was not workin For you at the time. The fact that what you moved Into wasn't what you expected and has gone tits up does not make that original decision a wrong one.

Your recovery will take time. I'm impressed with you. In mid life you had the guts to go for what you wanted and needed. Any woman with guts like that has a strong sense of what she's worth and will bounce back. You will. But it will be shit for a while. Take your time, lean on those you love. Take physical care of yourself (eat, sleep, exercise, lie in the sun, cut out the wine). It will get better. One foot in front of the other. A fantastically strong woman like you can do it. You will come out stronger, independent and wiser. And the shitty man, will still be a shit. grin

CantAffordtoLive Fri 03-Jul-15 08:16:56

OP I'm a recent name changer but I've been around MN for a long time and your post is one of the saddest I have ever read, not least because I could have written it myself about 5 years ago.

I agree with the pps, take a day off work and just be kind to yourself.

You still have relationships with your children, its not as if you 'left them' is it? Your relationship with your ExH was not strong enough to keep you together and okay, this last one is a total disaster, but it gets better.

FWIW I rented with two cats smile Secretly.

I'm now over 60 and will very likely die alone as you put it but for the first time in my life I am on my own and I am loving it. I love the freedom and the independence. Okay, sometimes it's a bit lonely but not enough to have to put up with some fuckwit messing with my head and my home! Oh no smile

I really hope you are feeling better this morning. I've read your posts supporting other MNers and you always came across as wise and caring so, yes, he didn't deserve you. And you didn't deserve him, he's a shit.

flowers brew brew

nequidnimis Fri 03-Jul-15 08:29:34

I'm not sure why you deserve such sympathy.

You're too old to fall for the 'my wife doesn't understand me and we never have sex' flannel surely?

Plain stupid not to insist he leave his relationship before starting one with you.

However many tears you're crying, his wife has probably cried more.

I'm not familiar with your story so there may be extenuating circumstances but from this thread it sounds like you've got what you deserved.

I wonder if your marriage was really that bad, people in affairs always rewrite history to justify what they've done. But if it was, and your eyes have now been open to true love etc, it hasn't all been for nothing has it.

Vivacia Fri 03-Jul-15 08:36:27

I'm not sure why you deserve such sympathy.

Sympathy is given because it is needed not because it is earned. I think vicar's getting sympathy because of the wonderful support she has provided, often in the middle of the small hours when others have felt lonely and in danger.

Branleuse Fri 03-Jul-15 08:43:46

bit of Nina for you

www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5jI9I03q8E

Kleptronic Fri 03-Jul-15 08:47:51

Aw Vicar. You will be ok. One day at a time now. Concentrate on yourself now, and keep strong.

nequidnimis Fri 03-Jul-15 08:48:02

I'm not sure how much sympathy she felt for her lover's wife.

You know, the one going quietly mad at home wondering why her husband's so emotionally absent.

Many women posting on here about how their lives are being torn apart by infidelity, so quite hard to take advice from someone who was partly and knowingly responsible for that sort of heartache.

I've never read any of her good advice but she doesn't seem to practise what she preaches; relationship advice from a dumped OW like taking health advice from a crack addict.

AreYouThinkingWhatImThinking Fri 03-Jul-15 08:48:27

Does his wife know about his affair with you? Fuck his life up as much as he's fucked yours up... tell his wife!

Sorry, but he's had his cake, eaten it and now expects to just carry on as normal with his comfortable little life while yours is in tatters?!

Personally I wouldn't be able to just sit back and let the smug twat get away with it!

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