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let's imagine...

(13 Posts)
TheHoneyBadger Thu 02-Jul-15 16:26:25

that you moved your child in with your boyfriend who was nice, friendly, harmless etc and lived in a place that made your child happy in terms of friends to play with and access to the beach etc.

then imagine that small, not demonic, things made you realise that said boyfriend was irresponsible, reckless, child-like (sorry) and that these factors made you totally unattracted to him because you had lost all respect much as you wished you could get it back.

imagine the boyfriend is totally passive in terms of ideas or ways to make things better but would do what you 'told him to do' but the idea of telling a grown man what to do was totally unappealing.

imagine that prior to this you had been a single parent for 8 years and had never involved men in your child's life.

not sure where this is leading other than a 'what would you do'. for context i am living outside of the uk though retain links there and i am not 'dependent' on this man other than the fact that my son really likes living here. we have somewhere i own here that we could move back to but ds doesn't want to go back there and would really miss friends and the ease of sociability this location gives.

TheHoneyBadger Thu 02-Jul-15 16:28:36

ack sorry i've just read and realised how vague and pointless this post is. i'm just hoping there are women who will get what i'm talking about and what the dilemma and issues are.

Olddear Thu 02-Jul-15 16:31:40

leave boyfriend, stay in locality child is happy in? Is selling the place you own a possibility?

AreYouSupposedToBeInIowa Thu 02-Jul-15 19:04:04

Leave definitely but try to move closer to where your DC is happy or....just move back to yours. Sometimes life is just simply not a bed of roses. When I was a kid, I wanted to live near to where Skippy The Bush Kangaroo lived but had to suck up the fact that I just didn't. Don't stay with him as you will get increasingly frustrated. Having to make decisions for adults with lazy minds agency, is tedious as hell.

Handywoman Thu 02-Jul-15 19:12:39

Where you live is not as important as how you live.

Sounds like a great place to live and what child wouldn't want that?

Except life is more complicated than that. And you are the adult here.

I'd leave but consider whether staying local is an option.

Twinklestein Thu 02-Jul-15 19:30:12

Can you rent out the property you own and use that to rent a place where you are now?

Get rid of the BF obviously.

Handywoman Thu 02-Jul-15 19:44:26

Am curious as to which small, non demonic things actually turned out to be reckless and irresponsible?

Genuine question.

TheHoneyBadger Fri 03-Jul-15 08:50:57

like owing someone money, in a no surprises way as it was a damage deposit which clearly would need to be repaid when the person moved out, and not having a plan of how to pay it and assuming i'd bale him out. he has since paid me back so it's not the money so much as the...irresponsibility and the assumption side of it.

meanwhile i have a lot of big decisions and changes going on that i'm worried about and his only advice or 'support' was telling me 'don't worry about it'. hard to hear that from someone whose 'don't worry about it' attitude leads to me having to bail them out financially.

then when i tried to discuss all of this he just seemed so... passive you know? his idea was that i should take over all of the money stuff and manage it rather than any plan of how he could deal with things better. i am mum to one child i have no desire to have to 'mother' an adult.

i just feel irresponsible myself now for having moved my son in here.

pocketsaviour Fri 03-Jul-15 09:10:00

his idea was that i should take over all of the money stuff and manage it rather than any plan of how he could deal with things better.

Oh dear. I had a BF like that. I stayed for 7 years. After we split up his house got repossessed because he ran short of booze money one month and cancelled the direct debit... and never reinstated it. I can only thank god we didn't have kids.

I am sure your son loves where you live now, but he would hardly be the first child to have to move areas due to parent's circumstances changing.

You can't stay in a relationship with a passive-aggressive man-child just because your son likes being near the beach.

Melonfool Fri 03-Jul-15 10:45:52

I had a bf like this once - needed a mother (his own mother still bought his underwear).

Dump him. Child will be happy again, you can probably find a way to live in the same area.

Candlefairy101 Fri 03-Jul-15 13:29:09

My husbands this way and I've just learnt to see the great side of this type of personality.

Such as I know you hate how everything is 'don't worry about it' but sometimes when I'm a worry freak and getting. Myself so worked up its nice to here and be around someone who's so easy going.

I do have to deal with all the money and bills but he works for the money and I get to work less time and be with my children, so I just except it and kibda like it because I know what's going on and the ins and outs.

Also because he's so friendly, laid back, cheerful etc at least I know I'm never going to be shouted at because he likes things in a certain order or things have to be done that way etc my husband is so laid back things that may annoy most men about their wife's doesn't matter to him. I know he's never going to hit me, scream at me or put me down.

Know one is perfect , and everyone has there bad flaws, because your partner is so laid back your flaws probably don't bother him lol. My mum and dad have been together since they're 14 and still happy because she says what I just told you,"try and look at there good point" x p.s I've been with my partner since school and yes laid backness drives me crazy but he's kind funny, and will never intentional hurt me xx

Janette123 Sat 04-Jul-15 08:43:09

I think the question you need to ask yourself is if you want to be a mother to an adult man for the rest of your life? Your DC will grow up and make their own way in the world but you'll be stuck with the bf.

Ask yourself what would happen if there was a crisis and you or DC was ill and he needed to step up to the plate? Could he do it or would he be coming to see you in hospital for his daily list of instructions?

If the respect has gone out of this relationship you might want to re-think it.

TheHoneyBadger Sun 05-Jul-15 19:06:34

the thing is my neighbour really wants me to stay too. our kids love each other and me and her have provided a mutually beneficial support network.

she is trying to encourage me to get him to move out and me to rent the place which actually, given his financial messiness and blatant non-need of a proper family home would make a lot of sense.

yet how on earth do you say that someone? hey your other tenants want me to stay, i can provide you with solid income, you will never make good use of this place anyway and i might be a good source of financial security and stability for you....

it is nightmarish to be honest. i knew there were cultural differences but i thought it would be ok like a fool. now not only is me and him not working out but his tenants want me to stay.

pretty sure i sound like the worst person ever.

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