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Is this old flame a serious prospect?

(11 Posts)
gablir77 Thu 02-Jul-15 01:17:10

I my 20's I had for about a year an on off relationship with what you might term a bit of bad boy, he wasn't so bad but he was a bit rough, into smoking dope and was a bit of a space cadet. Even though he was older than me he was not mature and not good at intimcy or commitment we broke up repeatedly, got back together until eventually I got fed up and moved to Paris to do my post graduate degree finishing with him for good.

So fast forward 15 years and 1 doomed long term relationship into the future and I am single again at 37. I am not a bar scene person but I wanted to meet someone without resorting to dating sites so went out with some old friends and who do I meet but my old space cadet!

We have started seeing each other and straight from the get go he was very keen, saying it is fate, it was sweet and quite a boost to feel so wanted. I have a more intense physical, lust reaction to him than I have ever had to any man so it is very tempting just to fall into his arms so to speak but I don't know if it is realistic long term and at my age I don't want to waste time. Also I really don't think he wants a fling. He is still fun but has really matured and I think he wants to settle down.

I don't really know what I find so wrong with him, he is still a bit rough, very different from the men I have dated since we last knew each other but he has given up the weed and he was always a hard worker and is now the manager of his department (warehouse dispatch). Perhaps I am just afraid he is still the same commitment phobic guy he always was after all he is still single at 40, yes I know!

Am I just being a snob, or am I being realistic?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 02-Jul-15 02:37:42

As I get the distinct impression that you felt superior to this guy when you were with him, and nothing seems to have changed in this respect, it would be far kinder to him in the long run if you pass on this second time round opportunity to find out if "he is still the same commitment phobic guy he always was".

gablir77 Thu 02-Jul-15 02:47:01

I don't think that is quite true. I was crazy about him and he hurt me badly and I probably ran him down in my mind to get over him. I am trying to remind myself we were both just kids back then and to cut us both some slack but that doesn't stop me being scared as hell.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 02-Jul-15 06:18:15

If you don't feel that you're a cut above him why did you describe him as having been "bit of rough"?

You appear to be claiming it's because you 'ran him down' in your mind to get over him, but while you might, for example, have deplored aspects of his behaviour or lack of consideration/courtesy at that time, it's not plausible to run anyone down in the way you describe if you regard them as your social and/or intellectual equal, and the fact you've said that he's "still a bit rough" suggests you don't consider him to be up to your level.

While the relationship might have come to grief partly because it was bad timing when you were 22 and 25, the fact he's still single (and childless?) at 40 suggests that he continues to have an issue with commitment. Has he had any long-term relationships in the interim and is he any better at intimacy?

An ex is an ex for a reason; you've been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. Do you really want to read the book again when you already know the ending?

I suggest you keep your options open and don't be rushed into making this second time round relationship exclusive. It's sod's law that this will make him ultra keen, but you'd be ill-advised to settle for him until/unless he produces a ring and you are 100% sure there's nothing to more to your taste in the dating pool.

sofato5miles Thu 02-Jul-15 06:23:55

Don't do it. You have a post grad and call him rough. You will resent him quickly.

QuestionMark25 Thu 02-Jul-15 06:56:13

I Disagree with the other posters. Like you said neither of you have been married.... I do think that often people get together at the wrong time in their lives and I do know of a happy couple whose history is similar to yours.
I don't think you saying bit of rough is derogatory- maybe other posters are getting wrong impression by you saying that by I didn't take it that way

Just take your time and see how it develops- like any relationship really!

Good luck !

ElectraCute Thu 02-Jul-15 07:10:14

I had a very similar situation several years ago. Had been madly in love/lust with someone in my early 20s and had a v on/off relationship which broke my heart when it finally fizzled out. Ten years on, we met again and he was super-keen, said all the same things about fate etc, the sex was amazing...and within a few months I was bored rigid with him and wondering what on earth I'd seen in him (well, I knew what I'd seen in him but it wasn't enough iyswim!)

I'm not sure 'scared as hell' is a good place to start a relationship from. I agree that, if he's 40-something and still never been settled, he's probably not that likely to now. I can understand the temptation to give it a go, but I'm not sure it sounds like a good bet long-term. You could, of course, have a very honest and straightforward conversation about what you want and see if he's on the same page, but I'd proceed with caution. You don't want to waste a good couple of years on him and find out that fundamentally he's the same commitment phobe underneath and you're now two years further away from having kids, etc.

AuntieStella Thu 02-Jul-15 07:26:48

Look, if you need a rebound shag with someone who you like (but know deep down isn't a good match for you), then jump on him.

Don't confuse yourself by trying to rewrite the past, or convince yourself that you don't feel what you did (and do feel).

It's likely he represents a time in your life when you were free of ties and obligations; and he appears to have continued without them, where as you went down the route you consider more mature but which is not currently going well. An affair with him isn't going to turn the clock back for you, nor will it somehow make you light-hearted and carefree.

I suspect that either you are still confused (who actually hurt who, back then, and does that matter given current hurt?) or trying to find a 'safe' way to hook up with someone who has hurt you before (there isn't one, he could hurt you again).

It all boils down to whether you can have no-strings liaisons, or if you fall for people you sleep with. Nothing wrong with being either, but it does bring better outcomes if you know which you are.

bikeandrun Thu 02-Jul-15 07:37:45

He is a single man with a good job who you really fancy, who is keen on you, why would you not give it a go. Good luck don't carry on waiting for Mr.right when he could possibly be right under your nose! Forget about years ago be careful as you would with any potential new boyfriend and have fun. Its unfair to criticize for being single at 40, would you a woman be seen negatively for this too?

FredaMayor Thu 02-Jul-15 10:32:55

OP, there is a reason the relationship in your 20s ended. The right person is out there somewhere, be forward looking.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 02-Jul-15 12:51:34

If you have to ask, then probably not.

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